Escape || an LGBT+ story (DISCONTINUED)

Chapter 55

'You're really in your comfort zone today.' Joshua notices with a smile when the others have left.

'I know right?' I sit down on the edge of his bed. Joshua is lying down again since he is tired. I take his hand and play with his fingers as my mind wanders off again, to Jake.

'What's on your mind?' Joshua asks me.

'Well, you see...' I start. 'I was thinking about when Jake... assaulted me, honestly.' 

I have referred to it as "the incident" or "what Jake did to me" before. This is the first time I'm naming what he did to me out loud. 

'Hm?' Joshua invites me to elaborate.

'Well, the memory of him kissing me and touching... that area. Actually, I couldn't think about without feeling the same emotions all again. I just constantly re-experienced it, as a lot of things triggered me. But today, I have noticed that it feels more like a bad dream, in flashes. I can imagine it was just a nightmare. And it's also more in the back of my brain. It doesn't hold me back anymore. It doesn't paralize me anymore. My dysphoria is not triggered by it anymore.'

'That's great, Jay, and I'm very happy for you.' Joshua is genuinely smiling, but his voice sounds a bit hesitant.

'But?'

'I don't want to sound pessimistic, but if it's gone suddenly like this, do realize that it might come back as well.'

'I know.' I say. 'I've thought about it as well. And I've decided to follow Lara's advice. She told me to see a therapist, but I didn't want to talk about it. Right now, I feel like I've passed the first stage. The stage where I am unable to talk about it. I am ready to talk now. To someone who can help me overcome this.'

Joshua looks at me with a soft gaze in his eyes. 'I'm proud of you, Jay. You are so strong.'

I blush, before I continue. 'Also, I might be ready to forgive Jake soon.'

'Already?' Joshua looks doubtful again. Whenever I mention Jake, he becomes slightly aggressive, sometimes I feel like he's more angry at him than I am myself.

'Hear me out. You know I believe he is truly changing, and the fact that Nick is backing him up if he falls back is reassuring me a lot. And now that I am going to try and get over it, I'd like to start at forgiveness. He is truly sorry and has shown remorse. And the burden of having a grudge is truly too heavy, I think.'

Joshua nods, letting go of my hand to help himself sit up. 'You know, I think you are a really beautiful person, Jay.'

'Gosh, what's with you and compliments today?' I mumble, blushing.

'You deserve it.' Joshua smiles at me.

I bite on my lip to try and prevent the big smile that is trying to break through, as I am quite flattered by his compliment. After all, I am not called a good person everyday. I don't know if I am one either.

'I don't know whether I can forgive Jake, actually.' Joshua says. 'Forgiveness is not my strong point, especially when I think of what he did to you. Even though you may be doing better now, I still want to give him what he deserves. My best punch.'

'Well then, why not do it? After you've recovered.'

'I don't know when that is.' Joshua's tone changes at once, his face is slightly glum. 'I can't even move my toes yet.' He looks at his toes and so do I, but there's no movement. 

'And feelings?' I ask.

'Well, I can pretty much feel everything, lightly. But it's like one-way traffic. I receive information, but I can't send commands.'

'Don't worry, it will probably just be a matter of time, like the doctor said.' I say. His scan of last Saturday has shown that no nerves are permanently damaged. When I heard about it, I was so happy, it felt like a burden fell of me. Joshua will be able to get up soon, he won't have to be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. I haven't destroyed his dreams. 'Your muscles are probably not used to movement yet. After all, you didn't move for three weeks straight.'

'Hm.' Joshua's tone is still slightly dejected. It breaks my heart. After all, the reason why he is like this is me...

As if he reads my mind, he says: 'Don't blame yourself, Jay. I know you do, but it's not your fault.'

Resting my head on his shoulder, I sigh. 'I know~'

Joshua laughs lightly. 'We're both such overthinkers.'

'We really are.' I sit up again and look at him, and we laugh.

'Why are we like this?' I laugh.

'I don't know.' Joshua chuckles. 'But I like us.'

I nod. 'So do I.'

I take him by surprise when I hug him, but he hugs me back. 'Woah, are you happy?'

'Yes.' I say. 'I am very happy.'

***

Word count: 817

***

I've written up until chapter 60 in my notebook and because the time difference is so small, I am starting to mess them up while typing it out, oof. It went wrong at chapter 54 so basically I have spoiled chapter 57 because I thought I made a mistake while writing and it was after that chapter, but I have corrected it now. Anyways, I'm sorry to my consequent readers lol. I'll try to keep all this sh*t together in my head.

Also, I might publish a nine-chapter short story on here soon, so that could mean I will update Escape less for a while. Aside from the fact that I have some stuff for school this week. Again, I am sorry. Oofs.