Darkness

Conversations

Esther went home that evening, not before reminding Scott about Avi's medication and its importance, and only left when she was satisfied and positive that he wouldn't forget about it. After she had left the apartment Scott returned to the living room and smiled when he saw Avi on the couch.

He was nibbling on goldfish crackers, one by one, and waited for Scott to come back.

"You did good with your dinner" the baritone said and sat down. "You ate quite a lot."

"It wasn't enough for Esther.." Avriel mumbled. "But she doesn't understand that I'm just not hungry. It's those weird pills, they just make me less hungry."

"But are they helping otherwise?"

Avi hummed. "Yeah" he then said. "Still. I don't feel comfortable taking them. Hopefully I can get better with therapy and then...stop taking these pills. It feels like I'm not myself, you know? Just some kind of fake personality."

"To me you're still the Avi I know and love. That won't change just because you're on medication, okay?"

"Yes. I'm- I'm glad you're back, Scott. I missed you a lot." Avriel leaned against his shoulder and closed his eyes.

"Do you want to cuddle?" the baritone asked softly and touched Avi's thigh. "We can get comfy on the couch. No need to wear jeans and sit here. Pj's are way better."

"Or bed?"

"Bed too, whatever you're more comfortable with. I'm fine with either."

Avi thought for a moment before he shook his head. "No. I want to talk to you, we shouldn't do it in the bedroom."

"I understand. Do you want to start?"

"Yes please. I want to apologize for what I put you through. Even though it wasn't my decision to make, I understand and always appreciated that you were there when I wasn't functioning anymore. It was probably a lot to handle but I am glad I was with you and not someone else. Caleb never took my anxiety serious and I struggled a lot, even when he was around. Thank you for...being there and taking care of me."

Scott smiled softly and reached for his hand, squeezed it lightly. "You are more than welcome, Avi. I think I overestimated myself. I always thought that I'd be okay since I don't suffer from an anxiety disorder and therefore didn't need therapy but boy was I wrong. It feels good to talk about what's happening here and what it does with my head."

"It really does, yes. We have to talk more, Scott. Not about random things but our feelings, even though we might think that it hurts the other one. But if we keep doing what we did after the incident in Big Bear we won't be able to move on. Maybe couple therapy would be worth a thought? Not in a negative way but...we clearly have to work on our relationship. I think you don't feel comfortable talking to me about appointments and leaving me by myself? Because it could cause me feeling left alone?"

"Yes, exactly that."

"And I somehow can't manage to ask for help when I don't feel comfortable, when my anxiety is coming up. I don't want to be burden and paired with my disability it always feels like I'm claiming your time, which isn't what I want. I struggle to ask for help before things get out of control."

Scott lightly squeezed his hand. "Does it have to do with Caleb?"

"Yes, I think so. He always acted like I was a burden when I needed some reassurance or a hug. I stopped asking for little things and tried to cope with everything by myself but even when I was still able to see the anxiety was bad sometimes."

"But you know that-"

"I can always come and talk to you, yes. Sometimes I just don't do it because- yeah. I just explained that."

The tall blonde squeezed Avi's hand again and reached out to touch his shoulder. "Always. No matter what time. I rather sit in bed with you for hours and hours and go through breathing exercises than see you suffer through another panic attack. I understand that they will always be there in some kind of form, they belong to you and they are part of you, but maybe we can try to make them easier on your body and less violent in general."

Avriel nodded and smiled lightly. He reached over and felt for Scott, then scooted closer and leaned against his shoulder. "I would like that. Good talk."

"Good talk, yes" Scott agreed and pressed his lips against the man's temple. "Is there something else on your mind or are you ready for bed?"

"I think I am ready for bed. Unless you want to talk about anything?"

"No, I'm good. Let's go." Scott gently pulled Avi with him and brought him to the bathroom, walked to the bedroom and then emptied out his bag. He put his clothes back in the closet and turned when he heard his boyfriend.

The bass sat down on the bed and pushed his legs under the blanket. "Are you putting your clothes away?" he asked and placed his phone on his nightstand.

"Yeah. I'm not leaving anytime soon. By the way, I met with the real estate agent and had a look at the house we both liked. It looked pretty solid and I'd love to take you with me next time."

"It's not like I can see anything though.."

Scott shrugged and reached for pajamas. "Doesn't matter. It's your home too and I want you to feel good and be able to make a decision together with me. It won't be just my house but ours."