Heal Me

32 Days After

WEDNESDAY

The voices. Every noise that has forced its way into my ears, into my head. The sounds that penetrate their way into me, molding me, creating me into one big pile of words outlined in a human being consume me. They consume me. They have more power over me than myself.

And just as it all becomes too much, just as I can start to feel each beat of my heart, feel my body working to inhale and exhale, making the unconscious decision to keep myself alive I need to leave. My emotions seem to slow, my thoughts are calm but eerie, all formulating one answer: I need to be alone.

I exit the cafeteria, feeling each step I take as I walk down the hall, yearning for the one door to open my tranquility.

I open the door to the small courtyard, letting the cold January air cling to my skin. Instead of letting this air corner me, suffocating me and letting its icy temperature penetrating my skin, it becomes a soft blanket draped across my body.

I look at the rock pathway, leading to a fountain in the center. In the warmer weather, it comes to life spitting clear water soon to be caught in the stone base, and the cycle repeats, again and again. But now, it is covered in a blue tarp, shading the beauty it gives.

I look at the small picnic tables placed across the lawn in a perfect yet careless manner. When the days are warmer, students come and sit out here during lunch, but now the tables are vacant, its benches too cold.

And the trees, normally full with its green leaves sprouting from the branches, creating scattered shade to shield us from the warm sun, now bare covered in a thin layer of frost.

The courtyard seems bare and empty, glazed in winter's bitter frost but that is what draws me to this place, time and time again. Its silence and tranquility that is missing from my life and it's so different compared to the fast-paced and loud life we all rush through.

It's here in this moment where I feel everything and nothing at all.

I take a few steps down the pathway and that's when I feel something pulling me further. And I follow it. My steps, little by little guide me to the covered fountain where my gaze finally settles on someone.

And this force inside of me pulls me closer to him.

"Hi," I break the small silence forming between us. I thought it would be weird if I kept walking towards him and not say anything like I was lurking around.

He turns to meet my sapphire blue eyes and smiles at me.

"Hello, Alice," he greets me, as formal as always, "would you like to sit," he mentions to the spot next to him, underneath the bare tree.

I give a small nod and sit on the cold grass, but I don't mind.

A small feeling settles in the pit of my stomach as if something more should be happening but isn't. As if I should be reaching, yearning for something but aren't.

"I had heard you were in an accident, I apologize if I am prying, but are you okay?"

I've been asked that question so many times in the past few days. 'Am I okay?' And the truth is I have no idea.

"Time will tell, I guess," I shrug my shoulders.

"What happened, if you do not mind my curiosity."

"Uhh, I was driving late Friday night, to go pick up my friends, when I lost control and swerved off the road," I tell Lennox the exact words I told the officers.

"Is that all that happened?" He asks but I can't help but think of how peaceful the night was, how small the world seemed, and how calm I felt. It's a shame it was just a dream.