Heal Me

54 Days After

I'm cold...so cold. I feel chilled to my bones, and nothing, no amount of blankets or heat could warm me. No amount of motion or movement could defrost me.

I am endlessly frozen. Alone. And the world around me continues to move, the sun will still rise and fall, the seasons will still change the birds will migrate. I am an insignificant speck of dust that can be blown at the first breeze of the morning wind. I feel utterly alone.

But if I open my eyes, separate myself from this darkness, I will see my mother's kind and loving eyes looking down on me as she holds me. I will see my father's worried expression forever etches on his face and my brother's sad, grim frown as he tries to hold himself together. And the worst part?

I am the cause of it.

I have given them pain and suffering, I am an obstacle in their everyday life. No matter how many times they say they love me or want the best for me, I can't help but wonder...how much better they'd be without me. How much easier their lives would be.

Knowing I cant stay in this peaceful darkness for too long, I open my eyes, and I'm met with everything I expected.

These thoughts are always something I try to hide, I try to suppress but when the dreams get real bad, when my suffering becomes their suffering, I can't help but think...

Mom pulls me into a tighter hug, knocking the thoughts out of me, "my baby girl." She slowly rocks me, back and forth, back and forth, catering to me as if I were a baby, waking up from a nightmare. And in some ways I am. I'm unable to care for myself.

After a few calm moments, I finally muster the courage to ask, "what happened?" My hoarse voice hurts as I speak.

I look up at mom and see her eyes glossed over as she looks at dad.

"We think you had a dream or something."

"I don't remember anything," and it's true. All I remember is-wait, "did I sc-scream?" I shudder and I can see the tears thickening in Mom's gaze. That's all I need to know.

Mom lays in bed with me for a while, dad and Callum only a yell away-ha 'yell' isn't the right word to use after what just happened, but you get the idea- and when she thinks I've finally fallen asleep, she creeps out of bed, tucking me under the covers. I barely hear the door shut but once I feel her presence disappear, I open my eyes and peer into the night sky. It's roughly 10 o'clock, not too early nor late, and yet the world seems asleep. Neighboring houses are dark, with only a porch light or a bedroom light on. I open my window to feel the chilling breeze cling to my skin. It's the only way I can fully calm down.

I love the way it chills you. It claims its home in your body and forces its way into your bones to preserve the feeling of what was. In most cases, we try to remember the warmth, of a time where our fingers and toes weren't numb. But I always try to remember a feeling and I am yet to recall.

I watch out the window as the time passes, my mind clear for once. And soon the houses all dim, and noise seize to exist. I hear my parents go to bed, and see the hall light fade from the crack under my door. And it's then, in pure darkness, when the world is at rest, that I am not.

And everything comes rushing back.

But this time, I do not submit to it. I do not fall victim to these endless thoughts and questions of my entire existence. Instead, I quietly get out of my bed, slip on leggings, and a t-shirt as well as sneakers, and make my way out of my room. But I pause under my doorsill and walk back into my room. I go into my desk drawer and grip the paper I had wedged back there years ago. I place it under my pillow, just in case.

I first pass Callum's door and I pause. His light is out, but I'm out sure if he's asleep or not. However, I press my hand on his door, as a lame attempt to touch him, reach out to him. I rest my palm on the wood and take a deep breath. "I'm sorry," I whisper, my words barely auditable as if I fear to wake the night. I drop my head in defeat, my body yet to move, for a few more moments.

I drop my hand and follow my feet down the dark corridor, stopping at my parent's room, their door is shut closed. This time, I rest both palms on the door and whisper so many more things than 'I'm sorry' but I know words could never properly express the way I'm feeling.

Such few words in suck little time.

I close my house door and step onto the porch, letting the winter night consume me. I start my way walking aimlessly down the street. I balance on the curb, drunkenly losing my balance every few seconds but the only thing I'm intoxicated with is my own insanity.

I pass by a street lamp and see my breath form a cloud in front of me and I pause. And I remember:

I

     Am

             Still

                        Alive

My thoughts play out, just as I expect them to with my mental state and I just keep walking. A subtle breeze passes my and I wrap my arms around me, but I don't try to remember. I just let my legs take me to where I wish to go, though deep down I know exactly where I'm heading to.

I see the number of trees grow and the number of houses lessens. The street lights are more spread out, and there are no cars parked on curbs. This only makes me feel even more alone.

And I stop. My feet pause their walking and I look up at the house in front of me. I can do two things right here. Walk away and let my mind kill me. Or continue going and let curiosity kill me. Either way, I'll be dead, so it might be nice to get some answers first.

I feel separated from my emotions, like a ghost in my own body as I look up at the house before me. It's not a rather big home, because it doesn't house a big family or any family for that matter. It just houses him and his uncle who I am yet to meet. 

I take a deep breath and step onto the stone pathway that leads to the front steps. I slowly make my way close to the house, and I feel parts of me coming to life. Like I'm not so alone anymore. Just as I reach the base of the steps, the door opens, and my heart leaps out of my chest. Not in fear, but well, I'm not exactly sure why.

However, there he stands. The man everyone forgot.

"Alice," he whispers, "what are you doing here?" His voice grows louder.

I remain silent as he scans my body and I shift under his gaze. "It is freezing outside, come in," he sighs as opens the door for me. I slowly walk up the steps, and he places a hand on my lower back guiding me into his home. For the small second, he touched me, I didn't feel all that cold.

He drapes a coat over my shoulders and scans me once more. "Why are you crying?" He slowly whips away my tears I didn't even know I dropped.

"Ezekiel, Alice she-" someone walks into the room and I don't even have to look at him to know his voice. "Is right here," Frederick's words are slow, careful even. I slowly turn to face him and my heart drops.

"Alice, how about we-" his words fade from beside me as he holds on to my body, catching me in the coat he had given as my body gives out.