Saving Her Lost Soul

Chapter 8

I'm dressed in black jeans and a black biker top. My hair in a high ponytail with makeup on. Think that's good going in ten minutes. I pull on some shoes and I go to grab my phone but I can't find it. The door opens and Flynn walks in with a pile of clothes under his arm and he's freshly showered. Darn it, I wish I had time to shower.
"So, I got your clothes back from dickhead's room," he places my stuff on my bed and I rummage through and find my phone. I slide it in my back pocket of my jeans. My bag is also with my clothes, I remember it being left in his car. I open the bag and the bottles are missing.
"Umm thanks, where are my bottles?" I look at him and straightens up waiting for a fight.
"I got rid of them, you heard the Doctor, Riley. No alcohol, how do you afford all that shit?" my cheeks flame in anger. He can't fucking decide this for me.
"It's my life, Flynn! If I choose to drink myself to oblivion that's my problem. I can't afford it, well my parents pay for it or I swipe it."
"Swipe it?" he raises his eyebrows and stalks towards me. I back up against the wall.
"Well, yeah. Inconsiderate bastards keep the good stuff behind the counter. The other stuff is there for the taking. I don't pay for shit that I don't need to," he throws his head back and laughs at me. Fucking twat. He pins me against the wall and my heart flutters. My heart is letting me down, I think that's pretty ironic considering I don't use it. I don't love, I'm not capable of it. So for me that organ is pretty fucking useless.
"You're bad, Riley Blake. My bad lost soul." I roll my eyes, he cups my face with his hands. His lips claim mine just as his phone starts vibrating. "Your brother has bad fucking timing." I slip out of his hold and grab my bag. I normally crave alcohol as soon as I'm awake but today has broken that spell. I'm high on Flynn, I don't understand it but the alcohol chills me. Flynn burns me, makes me hot on the inside.
I pull the door open and wait for him to leave the room before I lock the door. He holds my hand through the corridor and down the stairs. He withdraws his hand as soon as we reach the bottom floor. I frown at the back of his head. Why doesn't he want to hold my hand around people? Why do I want to hold his burning hand?
When the cool air hits me it normally sends shivers down my spine but today it's refreshing. Tyler beeps his horn when he sees us and I hold my middle finger up at him. I climb in the back as I don't want to fight. Me? Not wanting a fight? Since when? I don't bother belting in, what's the worst that could happen?
Flynn changes the radio station as soon as he's in and Tyler pulls away. "I have a bone to pick with you two." I groan, what could I have done now? "Riley next time you have sex with Tristan make sure you fucking gag him or make sure I'm not in the house. Listening to him scream your fucking name. . . just urgh!"
I pull my phone out and read another text from my mother asking for me to call. I delete it as soon as I read it. "And you Flynn Archer, Matty said you had a screamer too last night. Get in there mate! Was she good?" I roll my eyes.
"Best fuck ever." I scoff, bullshit! I sit sideways on the seat and rest my legs on the back seat. I scroll through facebook to pass the time.
"Riley, Mom has been trying to contact you again. We need to leave friday after lunch," I roll my eyes.
"I'm not going. How many times do I have to say that shit?"
"You'll break her heart if you don't go."
"Well ain't she lucky to have a fucking heart."
"Sis, please. I'll do anything."
"Can you take away the bad memories there? Can you go back in time and change what happened that day? Fuck Tyler, when I'm in that that house it's like I'm reliving that shit."
"Sis, never have I ever? Was it him? Why did you never tell me?"
"Pull over!" I scream.
"Riley, we ain't doing this. Keep driving Tyler," Flynn growls.
"They are my secrets to bear. I ain't letting anyone in anymore. To go back to that place again, it doesn't feel right."
"I want to help you sis. You're struggling, you need to talk to someone even if that person isn't me. It's eating away at you!"
"It isn't, how can something eat away at me when I'm fucking dead on the inside! Just drop it Tyler, I drank too much and I should have just fucking lied." Tyler pulls up into a parking space and I quickly get out the car. I lean my forehead on the window when it's closed to get some peace of mind back.
We walk to the courtyard and I see flashes of red. I blink refocusing my eyes and see the red head bounding towards us. She goes straight to Flynn and kisses his lips. Fucking bastard, I knew he was fucking playing me and he's not even pushing her off. I turn my back on them but keep my feet planted. "Hey, I'm Regan. I haven't met you before, I'm Flynn's girlfriend. I'm trying to get to know all of his friends." I roll my eyes and turn around, Flynn is eying me up and down.
Regan is holding her hand out to me, "I don't have friends. He ain't shit to me. Don't waste your time on me," I growl. She lets her hand fall and she fights back a tear, fucking pansy.
"Can you play nice, Riley?" Tyler snaps.
"I am playing nice, for me." The burning is fading now. My body trembling with the ice taking over my body, slicing through my veins. I let him in, why did I do that? I let him fuck me because he played on my . . . I want to say emotions but I don't feel. I don't understand anything anymore. Fuck this, I walk away from them.
"Where you going now? We need to dicuss the plan for friday?" Tyler calls.
"Fuck you! I'm going to the gym and then to the corner shop to get my alcohol!"
"Don't you fucking dare, Riley!" Flynn yells. I don't look back but I stick my middle finger up at them. I hear Regan gasp, probably at my attitude, she sounds so innocent. I make my way to the gym and change into my gym wear. Fuck, they are used but who cares? I need to shower after anyway.
I start on the treadmill again. I need to push this feeling out of my body. Although I like the burning it's associated with Flynn fucking Archer. I need to push him out my system. I can't be weak anymore. He's just like him and I can't be controlled like that, not again.
I push my body to the max, my legs burning as I pound harder on the machines letting the music take over my body. Fuck, I need it! I need the alcohol to seer through my veins. I'm never letting Flynn control my life. If I want to drink I damn well will. I look at the time on the treadmill and see I've been running for 40 minutes straight.
I turn it off and walk shakily to the weights. I see Tyler and his friends come into the gym with Flynn. Why is it I see him everywhere? My body is so tuned into him. I feel his eyes burning me before I see him most of the time. Flynn says something to them and they walk off to the x trainers and Flynn makes his way to me.
I stack the weights on and I pull the bar down as I sit down. I don't look at him when he stops beside me, "Riley, we need to talk." I ignore him as I continue to pump my arms up and down, "Riley! Talk to me," he places his hand on my side and I gasp and the fucking bar pulls me up again. "How much weights do you put on these things?"
"As much as my body can take." I growl as I release the bar and sit down again.
"Look, nothing has changed. Last night was amazing for me. I have to keep her as my girlfriend so to speak. Your brother fucking threatened me to stay away from you. I won't ingore his threats, he's my best friend but I don't want to stop what this is between us."
"There is nothing between us, do you hear me? What happened last night. . . I won't let it happen again. I won't have you play me, not like he did. I was a fucking idiot last night, I don't know what happened but you ain't getting close to me again."
"Don't say that. We got somewhere last night, you know that."
"No, I don't know that. The way I see it I was a foolish fucking bitch, I let you toy with me. It was fun but I'll stick to one of the other guys in future."
"Don't fucking making me jealous. Tristan has already been warned to stay away from you. You feel something with me Riley, I make you feel! It makes you feel vulnerable and you're scared so you are pulling away from me. They make you feel dead, I make you feel alive!" I stand up and push passed him toward the locker room.
I know he's following me, "You don't know shit! You're awfully sure of yourself." I snap as I'm pulling out my wash bag out of my locker.
"I know you better than you think, Riley. I see shit others can't! You've let me in more than you wanted but you did."
"It was a foolish mistake. Won't happen again." He grabs my wrists and pins them above my head with one hand as he pins me to the lockers with his body.
"Stop tormenting yourself. You've been calling yourself every name under the sun since I met you. If you let yourself feel you'll be happier," he lips softly touch mine and mint invades my senses.
"I'll be more miserable," I whisper.
"We could be something great, I could heal you. Let me show you how good we can be," his eyes bore into mine and I can't think clearly.
"I'm broken beyond repair. I'm never going to run right, I'm not a car you can fix, I'm scrap metal. He broke me," I confess.
"The best things in life are the hidden treasures that needs the time and effort put into them, the longer it takes the better the reward." I tilt my face away from him but he grabs my chin to make me look at him, "Tell me what he did," I shake my head but he keeps his hand on my chin.
"I can't --"
"Flynn!" Tyler calls and he pushes away from me. I walk away from him and leave the locker rooms as Tyler enters. I need a fucking drink. I shower and dress and I head to the bar just outside the campus.
I sit at the table I like to sit at in the corner with a double vodka on the rocks. I get my diary out and write down all the fucked up things going on in my head. All the feelings I don't understand, the fear I feel when thinking about going home. I wish I was numb again but I'm cold as ice. I down the drink and order another one from my phone. I draw those burning eyes but instead of drawing what everyone else sees in those eyes I draw the flames coming out of his eyes.
I stay here for a couple hours and I know it's lunch time as it starts to get busier. I put my headphones in to block out the noise of the chatter. I order drink after drink after each one is finished. My head is clouding and my cheeks are flushing from the alcohol. I look at the burning eyes on my page and I feel them burn my skin but I know it's not the drawing burning me.
I look up and I see them all sat around their usual table. Flynn with his arm around fucking Regan, leaning into her and Tyler has a blonde on his lap. Fuck my life, I feel like they are throwing it in my face. They can be normal, having open relationships but I can't. I need to be on my own. I down my 6th glass and it chills my stomach.
I order some food and another drink. Sometimes I can go weeks attending every class and others times I can't get my ass to the boring lectures. I draw my broken heart on a blank page, I've always enjoyed drawing but never wanted to take it up as a career and I've never really told anyone about it.
It's my way of escaping, I draw the blood spilling from my shattered heart. I draw in pencil, never colour. My life is black and white, sometimes grey, never colourful. "Blake, join us." Jesse calls and I look up.
"No thanks, you're only good company in your bed." I shrug and all the guys laugh around their table. I go back to my drawing and my food arrives. I shove the burger in my mouth and start to chew. I'm here watching them all living, I feel like I'm sitting on the line between hell and life. I'm not living here on the outside but I'm looking in watching everyone else living.
I never used to feel envious until now. I've tasted happiness with Flynn, he's my escape even when I'm sober but I rely on no one. I wash the burger down with the vodka. Thankfully Flynn leaves me the hell alone as he is flirting with his red head. I've gotten used to blocking things out but now and again my treacherous heart betrays me just like it is now, aching over him.
I look up and see Tyler sat in front of me, "So, I'm leaving the frat house at 12.30 pm friday. We can stop off somewhere for lunch before we get there." I slam my diary shut so he can't see anything in there.
"When I take my last fucking breath you'll regret making me waste my breath keeping telling you the same fucking thing."
"I call sibling code on this one," Tyler shrugs. I bang my fists on the table and everyone stops talking to look at me. Sibling code for us is when the other calls rank on the other, we can only do it if there is no other choice. We made a promise when we were younger to always respect the fucking sibling code. He hasn't called code in years.
"You're an arsehole!" I just don't know what else to say. "If I drink myself into my early grave that's on you! If I have to go I'll make my own way there." I stand up ready to make my exit but he grabs my wrist.
"Come on, I'm going there anyway, why must you be difficult? We can make a road trip out of it like the good old times." I snatch my wrist back.
"Good old times are long gone. I don't need you and I don't need anyone. From now on, it's me on my own." I yell and realise people are still watching our scene.
"You don't need to, I thought we were finally getting somewhere." I grab my diary off the table and reach for my bag.
"Then you're a fool." I turn on my heels and slam the doors open with my palms and leave the pub. If only there was a way to sever the tie to my family. If they weren't my family I wouldn't have to deal with this shit. I could be long gone partying, getting high numbing everything.
I punch the wall on the way out. "Riley!" I roll my eyes as I hear Flynn calling my name. I keep walking, I'm too sober for this shit. I walk down the road with him following behind me, "Riley!" he grabs my wrist and pulls me around, "Just wait, please."
"What do you want Flynn? Because I sure as hell know it's nothing I can give you." I try not to look into his burning eyes so I don't become weak to him.
"I was seeing if you were okay. You seemed upset," he's an idiot.
"I'm not upset, I'm angry! I don't get upset. Anger is the only thing I allow myself to feel. He's an arsehole for forcing me to go home!"
"You feel it Riley, I know you do. Under the anger you are scared to be back there." He holds my chin and makes me look at his black scorching eyes. "Maybe you didn't before me but I'm bringing emotions out of you that you thought were long gone."
"You're right, which makes the decision all the more right to push you away. You hurt me and I've tried so fucking hard to block that shit out for a long time, I'll do everything I can to stop that!"
"I won't let you push me away!"
"Too bad it's out of your control," I pull out of his hold and continue to walk to my destination. I ignore the dirty looks I'm getting from bypassers, I'm used it by now. I'm relieved when I make it to the corner shop. I hear the familiar bell when I open the door.
I head to the back and grab my usual bottle of wine and shove it into my bag. I'm not even that careful today. I walk to the till, "Vodka," I mutter. He grabs my usual bottle, "No, the bigger one today."
"Riley, don't do this. Do you not remember what happened yesterday?" as the guy turns back around to get the vodka I slip some chocolate in my bag.
"Of course, I just don't care. It changes nothing, this is me. I can't change," the guy rings up the till and I curse at the price, "Bloody scamming bastards."
"You don't care if you die?" he says with surprise.
"Nope," I shrug as I swipe my card. I pick up the bottle and leave the store. I untwist the cap and hold it to my lips and tip the bottle up and let the liquid pour into my mouth. Flynn snatches the bottle away from my hand sending precious liquid flying.
"You might not but I fucking care. Your brother cares, your parents care, even the tossers in the house fucking care. It makes it harder for me to accept you fucking them when they care about you."
"Well you are all bloody idiots. You don't know me, they don't know me. Not the real me so you can't say shit like that."
"Fuck Riley, why must you make everything so damn hard? Accept that we care and don't want you to drink yourself into your grave."
"You make it sound so easy. I'm not like all you lot, I can't sit and have a meal with people. I can't have friends, I can't share a bed with anyone, I can't let people in, I can't go out with people and have fun."
"That's a lie, Riley. I can sleep with you, in fact you sleep peacefully with me. Your brother said you have nightmares, I heard one before but you don't get them with me. What does that tell you? You even laughed during our meal the other day."
"Do you want to know what that tells me? It tells me that you're good at acting. Good at making me think that you care. I just need to work harder to push you out, I can't let you in and then have you break me like he did."
"Who is he, Riley? Why won't you tell me what he did? I'm not him, I may have a bad rep but I want to be good for you. I fuck any girl that I want, be with any girl that I want. I know I've got that bad boy rep but I feel something more with you. I've never loved anyone before and I love you, Riley."
"You can't love me. You don't know who me is." I snatch the bottle back from him and screw the cap back on and I run, run far away from him as I can and luckily he doesn't follow. I can't be what they want me to be. He can't love a zombie, he's wrong. He said he loved me and it was a lie. No one can love me it's just not possible.
It goes against the natural order of things. He's trying to add colour into my life, I see specs of colours when he's around but I must hold on tighter to the black, white and grey. Changing is too hard, it's scary and if I go out this way that's how it was supposed to be. God chose for me to take this path, if my heart gave out then that's his choosing. Who am I to say otherwise?