Saving Her Lost Soul

Chapter 28

As we enter the busy shop Mom grabs a trolley, "You head upstairs grab whatever clothes you want, we will start downstairs in the home section. Come find us when you're done upstairs." I nod and leave them as I head up the escalator. I start in the underwear section. I don't even know why I'm bothering, not like I'm going to be showing anyone but I put a few sets in plus lingerie.
I add some black clothes to the trolley. Black dresses, skirts, shorts. Some boots, PJs and a coat. I also add some running clothes and trainers. Once I've finished I head back downstairs. I find them both in the bedding section. The trolley is almost full of towels, bin, cleaning products, bathroom bits all essential product. "Oh, hey honey. Finished shopping for clothes?" I nod. "Okay, we're about done here." She says placing a couple of bedding sets in the trolley along with pillows and a duvet.
She adds some throws and blankets into the trolley. We head past the stationary aisle and she heads down there. She picks up a notepad, pens and pencils. A3 sketchpad, with sketching pencils. She's seen me draw, I guess she's hoping that I'll start up again. She just doesn't know I draw in my diary. I don't comment on it though. We head to the food section and she places food in my trolley.
I don't place anything in just keep pushing it whilst Dad pushes the other one, "Blake?" I look back at the voice and see Nathan bounding up to us. He picks me up and I actually return the hug clinging to his neck. I'm acting the exact opposite of how I thought I would. I thought I'd close off again pushing people away but I find myself craving contact when once I didn't. "You okay?"
"No," I admit. He continues to hold me as long as I am willing. His strong arms make me feel safe for some reason. I have prefered Nathan over them all, I guess.
"Anything I can do to help?" I release him and shake my head. He pulls my hood down and he frowns.
"I look that bad huh?" I try to make light of my zombie feeling but I don't fool anyone.
"It's not that, well you do look like hell but I haven't seen you with blonde hair. I just guess it's strange for me." Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.
"This is my natural hair colour." I shrug, failing to explain myself very well. "Do you not like it?" Not that I'm that bothered.
"Yeah, I like it. Course, I just wasn't expecting it. It looks nice," he gives me reassuring smile.
"Don't lie, I look like shit." I shove his arm and he rubs it playfully like I wounded him. "I better get going."
"Sure, where's Tyler?" he looks around but obviously he comes up short.
"At the frat house I guess. If you see him though, please don't say you saw me," he frowns at me but eventually nods.
"Sure, is everything okay between you two? I mean, I haven't seen you in a while and he keeps asking if I've seen you."
"Course it is, I'm just going through some shit right now and I want to be alone." Nathan nods and I hug his waist and he hugs me back.
"If you need anything, you know where I am." I nod into his chest and walk away from him. Mom is itching to say something but doesn't. She places deodorant, washcloths, bubble bath in the trolley. I take the bubble bath out the trolley and replace with a strawberry-scented one. I grab my strawberry shampoo and conditioner with the body wash even though I already have some.
I replenish my make up stash too. Mom picks up some tampons and I glare at her. They are so inconsistent anyway these days. I zone out what she puts in the trolley whilst I follow her with it. I stop as we pass the alcohol section. I take a deep breath and walk down it, "Just like I have faith you'll stay sober." Fucking Flynn. I throw my head back and groan. I find Mom and Dad again but they don't mention my sudden disappearance.
"He seemed nice," Mom says casually not looking at me.
"Yeah, he is. Nathan is great," I shrug. What does she want me to say?
"Did you not want to introduce us to your friend?"
"He's not my friend, I don't have friends."
"Then who is he? If he's not your friend, honey?"
"Fuck buddy, or was at least. Since Flynn and my sobriety I'm not interested." They both gasp and try to regain their posture. "I had loads of them."
"Honey, it's not something to be proud of," Mother scolds. I roll my eyes waiting for this shopping spree to be over. We spend another twenty minutes or so shopping. I help with the bags. Dad tries to carry as many as he can up to the apartment what with Mom only having the one hand and me with a cast.
"I'll come back down," Dad insists when he sees me struggling. I nod and take what I have in my hand. I drop the bags as we ride up in the elevator. When we are in the apartment Mom busies herself putting the shopping away as Dad heads back downstairs.
"Honey, here." She hands me a towel my wash bits and pjs. "Go run yourself a bath, you need it." I nod thanking her. I'm glad she kept my black scheme. Black towels, black bathmats, black everything. I've grown to love black.
I head to the bathroom and run the bath. I add in the bubble bath letting the scent invade my senses. I hate that I'm washing Flynn off but I guess his scent has faded into non-exsistant anyway. I get in the steaming hot bath marvelling in the scorching heat.
My stomach tingles as I remember Flynn's hand gliding across it. I remember every little detail of our time in the bathtub. His every burning touch, his kisses. I turn the taps off once the bath is full. My body relaxes with the heat. I wish Flynn was with me here and now. The first time he massaged my head was glorious.
All these memories flooding back even though it's a new place. I welcome the memories but it also causes me more pain. I've always loved the saying, Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. I can't help but cry because it's over but I also love that it happened. He changed me, if I had to choose between not meeting him and it not have happened or for this outcome, I would choose the latter.
I don't want to forget him, it's impossible. It's like forgetting a part of me. I wash my body and hair and I like the fact that I'm smelling more myself again. His voice pops into my head again, "Good, I love you Ri. Don't ever forget that. You mean everything to me. Whatever happens just remember that you are my world. No one will ever compare to you, say it Ri." I remember his exact words. "Yes baby. You are. Remember," he urged.
He knew, he knew he was going to leave me then. I felt something but I tried to ignore it. Why would he say remember, over and over if he's to later say it was a lie? He was always so insistent that I knew his feelings. I was really starting to believe that he could love me. He was a better actor than James was.
I pull the plug and get out the bath. I wrap myself in the soft towel. Once I'm dry I hang the towel on the rack and put on my PJ's. I put Flynn's hoodie back on. It faintly smells of him. When I return in the living room, Mom comes out the master bedroom. "I've made your bed and put your clothes away, I've just got to sort the bathroom out then I'm all done."
"Thanks Mom," she kisses my forehead and I sit on the couch in the corner. Dad comes to sit next to me.
"Have you been taking your meds?" Crap, I didn't even think about them. I shake my head, "Did you bring them with you?" I shake my head.
"Sorry, Dad. I've barely functioned, I didn't think."
"Have you been eating?" I shake my head again. "Ri, you need to take care of yourself." I nod, I know I do. "Shall I order some food before we leave? I'll swing by the frat house and get your pills."
"Sure, thanks Dad." Mom continues to sort my apartment out. Dad orders food whilst she finishes. We eat around the round black table and chairs. I'm glad they've been here with me, they've been great. Dad hands me the keys and explains everything I need to know before they leave.
"I'll be back in twenty to drop your meds off. Take care, Lee Lee. Call if you need me," I nod and they both embrace me. I close the door and deadbolt it and put the chain across. I turn the lights off and grab the throw Mom left on the sofa and curl up on the couch.
The tears start up again when they are gone. I feel better but I still feel dead. The next day, I get up and go for a run. It's the first time I've got up with a purpose. My neck hurts sleeping on the couch even for a couple of hours. I took my meds this morning and my lips tingled remembering Flynn's fingers sliding across my lips.
I push myself harder as I run through the streets. It's the first time I'm out of Flynn's hoody but I intend to wear it when I'm home. The fire in my lungs feel good. I'm slowly starting to function. I still feel pain and lifeless but I'm trying. After an hour run I return to my apartment and lock the door again.
Each day starts and ends with a run. It's the only thing I can do. I've started with one meal a day. My Doctor recommended running so I'm doing it twice a day. I draw in the day to keep myself occupied. The sketch pad actually came in handy. Flynn's face is what I mostly draw. I don't want to forget his face. I can't go back to Duke yet because I can't face seeing him yet but I still need to remember.
Rosie stays with me in the apartment, I draw her in Tyler's hands. I can't forget his face either. I draw my family together, Tyler, Mom, Dad and even Flynn. I don't include myself in the drawing because sometimes I feel like I don't fit. I could spend all day drawing and not get bored, I like to draw every single detail of their faces, all the imperfections.
I keep my diary and my sketchpad on the table. There's a knock at the door and I hesitate, I unlock all the bolts. I bring the hood back up to hide my face again. I open the door and Tyler stands in the doorway. I should have guessed they would let slip to him. He walks around me without an invitation.
"Finally," he mutters. He looks around the apartment but then focuses back on me. "It looks nice, he went all out. Better than mine," he walks towards me and his hands cup my tear stained cheeks. "Why are you crying?"
I swipe my cheeks but he doesn't move his hands, "What do you mean better than yours?" I growl. "I cry all the time, Ty. I don't realise I do it most of the time."
His face drops, "You cry all the time?" he looks sad and almost guilty. "Well, yeah. Dad was worried about you so he bought the apartment next door. We're neighbours," of course he did.
"I should have seen it coming. What do you want Ty? I'm not really up for visitors." I sit on the sofa with my blanket and Rosie. He sits next to me.
"I haven't seen you in almost two weeks. I was worried, I saw you flee the frat house. I didn't know what to think." I shift my weight and rest my head on his lap facing him. He hesitates but then puts his arm around me and the other stroking my hair. My tears come more freely now, "Don't cry, please," he begs.
"Don't leave me," I whisper. Everyone leaves me. He pulls me so that my head rests on his arm and he starts to rock me slowly trying to settle me. I eventually drift off hours later. Nightmares are sometimes easier to handle than when I'm awake.
"Riley," Tyler gently rocks me. "You're having a nightmare." I flutter my eyes open feeling disorientated. I sit up and rub my sore neck again. "You okay?"
"Yeah, you can leave now. What time is it?" I need to get a clock but the ticking generally annoys me.
"5 am." I stand up and head to the bedroom shutting the door. I change into my running gear and join Tyler in the living room. He hasn't moved from the sofa. "What are you doing?"
"Running, I missed my late night run. So maybe I should do three today. You need to leave so I can lock the door," he frowns and stands up.
"Don't you think you're over doing the exercise?" I quickly knock back the meds before making my way to the door.
"No, the Doctor said exercise is imperative. It's the only reason for me to get up each morning," I open the door and hold it open for him.
"Are you coming back to Duke soon?" he asks as he leaves my apartment.
"Not yet, I can't. I've just started living, somewhat. I'm taking each day as it comes. I'm not ready, it really fucking hurts, you know? I thank Dad for doing this, I couldn't stay there. I was going insane. It's better here, away from humans." Tyler laughs.
"Humans?"
"Yeah, I'm an outsider an alien. I don't like human interaction." I pick up a run towards the elevator after I lock the door. I stop outside the elevator and spin on my heels. He's still watching me, "Wait, it is just you next door. Right?"
"No, Flynn's my roommate."
"Gah! Fuck!" I spin and press the call button repeatedly. Why? Why would they think it's a good idea to let Flynn stay right next door. I slam my left palm against the metal doors when they take too long to open. I need out, I can't linger too long. He could appear from anywhere. When the elevator doors open I hurry in and press the ground floor button repeatedly until it closes.
I try to clear my mind when I'm running. Why would Tyler let Flynn be his roommate? He should hate Flynn for hurting me. Do my parents know about this? They should have warned me. I need to be more careful now. I swing by the shop and pick up CCTV to place over my door. The last thing I need is to run into him when I'm trying to avoid him.
I hurry home and grab my phone. I press call, "Hello? Blake?" he answers.
"Hey, Nathan. Could you do me a favour?" I could ask Tyler but I don't need him asking questions.
"Sure, what do you need?"
"Can you come over to my new apartment and fit a CCTV camera? It looks pretty easy but I'm crap with spanners."
He laughs hysterically, "Screwdrivers Blake. You won't need a spanner for it. You spanner!" I laugh too. See I'm not safe. "I'll come over now. Text me your address." I hang up and text him to bring spanners with him. I have no tools.
NATHAN- Screwdriver! You really are a spanner. X
Whatever, I smile into the phone. I shower quickly and get dressed into clothes for the first time in a forever. Just casual jeans and a top minus the hoody. The door knocks moments later and I rush to the door. I unlock it and open the door.
He smiles at me and holds up a screwdriver and a drill. Did I need a drill? I didn't read that. I let him come in. "Hey, Blake. Now what am I putting up?" I hand him the box.
"The human at the store said it was easy assembly. I want it outside the front door and the screen by the door." He nods and sets about his work. "You want a drink?"
"Sure, Blake. Anything will do," I skip to the kitchen to see what Mom bought. 7up free, figures. Caffeine-free. I pull it out the fridge and find a glass. I pour it in the glass with shaky hands.
I return to him as he sets the instructions on the table. I hand him the drink and he smiles at me gulging the drink down. He hiccups and I laugh. He laughs with me but I can't stop. He places the drink down on the table and he launches at me. I run away from him squealing. He launches again causing us to fall over the backrest to the sofa.
I can't breathe as he tickles me pinning me down with his body. "Nathan!" I gasp. He chuckles and gets off me. I smile as he heads back to the door. He grabs a chair and opens the front door pinning it open with broom. I join him at the front door.
"Grab the monitor, Blake. Let me know when it's in the right place." He stands on the chair streching above the door. I grab the monitor and turn it on. I keep looking at his abs peeking through his top.
"How do I know if it's in the right place?"
He laughs at me, "You spanner, just tell me when you see what you want to see. Do you want to see the Elevator? Or just under your door?"
"As much as it will see," I say. I look at the monitor and watch as he moves the camera over, up and down. "Stop," I say and he freezes. He gets out a pen from his pocket and grabs the lid with his mouth and holds it with his teeth whilst he marks it. He gets off the chair and puts the camera down.
He unclips the drill box and inserts an attachment. I watch mesmerised as his hidden handyman skills are impressive. He gets back on the chair and starts to drill the wall. Once he's done the holes he gets off the chair and grabs the camera. "Can you pass me the screws, babe?" I frown at the word babe but go to find the screws.
I hand him the screws and he gets back up. He spends a few minutes attaching the camera. I'm not really paying too much attention, I'm mostly watching him. He jumps down and holds his hand out, "You don't need to hold that, you know." I giggle and he holds it up to the wall, "Here?" I nod and he starts to fix it to the wall. After a few more minutes he looks at me, "All done, piece of cake."
"My Mom stocked up my kitchen so I wouldn't be surprised if there was cake involved," he chuckles.
"Is that an invitation to stay longer, Blake?" he raises his eyebrow. I grab the chair from the corridor and put it back. He starts tidying his tools up.
"Sure, I mean, I could make lunch. It's the least I could do." I shut the door and turn back to him.
"Who are you and what have you done with Blake?" I laugh and make my way to the kitchen. I go through the cupboard.
"I think Blake is long gone." I cringe, "Riley is back, I think." I'm still unsure. Blake was always a wall to keep people away. Having them use my last name was less personal. Now I keep surprising myself with how much contact I need.
"Well, I like this Riley." He pulls himself up onto the counter while I make some sandwiches. Mom stocked up well. I add some crisps to the plates and I pull myself up on the counter when I'm done. He takes a bite out of the sandwich and mutters his appreciation. I shakily hold my sandwich, this is new. Eating in front of others.
I cram it in my mouth without thinking too much of it. "If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?" he asks me.
"Canada, I think. The view is to die for. Or Finland, I'd like to see the northen lights. It's always fascinated me. I've visited a lot of hot countries with my family but never anywhere that I've wanted to go. I've always loved the blue clear sea too."
"I haven't seen you speak so passionately before. You don't normally give much away. I've always liked the thought of africa, see the safaris."
"Hmm, one of my favourite holidays." I admit.
"If you had superpowers what would it be?"
"I guess mind reading. That way I could tell people's true intentions before they hurt me." I shrug.
"Have people hurt you a lot? I'd choose hulk strength I think." I laugh because he already is insanely strong. He's built like a sumo wrestler just muscle not fat.
"You already are freakishly strong, look at those muscles." I touch his bicep and he flexes it, it feels rock hard. I ignore his previous question.
We chat and laugh until we finish our sandwiches. He checks his phone, "Crap, I need to get going. I had fun, we should do it again." He jumps off the counter and helps me down holding my hips.
"Yeah, I'd like that," I say timidly. I hate being alone despite saying I want to be alone. It's unusual for me to seek comfort in these people. He kisses my cheek and leaves with his tools. I lock the door behind him and drop to the floor. The smile fades and the tears return. All the happiness fades as quickly as it came and it's replaced with the pain. I enjoyed an hour or so of contentment from an unlikely source.