Saving Her Lost Soul

Chapter 10

My lungs burn and my head is spinning and all I can hear is constant tapping and guns firing faintly as background noise. "Honey, is she still sleeping?" Mother asks.
"Yeah, Mom," Tyler says. Where am I? Who am I? Am I still alive? My body is heavy and I'm too tired to move.
"Well, here is some lunch for you both. Let me know when she wakes." I hear the emotion in her voice.
"Sure Mom, thanks." I hear the door click shut and the tapping continues. "Dude, try not to stare it, it bugs her," Tyler warns.
"Sorry, I don't want to make your Mom feel bad. What happened?" If I could get up and retaliate right now I would.
"No, I mean it bugs Riley." Tyler sighs, "She blames herself for what happened. Once when she was high she started a fire here at our house and she was so high she put her hand in the flames. Her guilt eats away at her. Hand for a hand so to speak. When she's high she does crazy shit." I feel my hand burn like Flynn is examining my faint burn scars.
"Your sister put her hand in the fire?" he says in surprise.
"She hates that Mom lost her hand that day. She thought if she lost her hand too then some of her pain would go away. Fuck was she crazy that day. That's the day my parents decided to send her away. They couldn't control her." I don't register my hand moving into Flynn's hand until I feel him wrap his fingers around my hand. I hate that I seek comfort in him and I let myself when I'm intoxicated.
"Do you think she meant to do that the other day? You know?" The other day? How long have I been passed out this time?
"Yeah," he sighs. "Not the first time something like that's happened. She becomes suicidal when she's high. Last summer it was hell trying to keep an eye on her. I could never determine her dealer until today she was more careful. I spent the whole summer babysitting her. She's been pretty chilled for her at Duke's. Her dealer isn't out there so she only relies on the booze."
"Have you not tried putting her in rehab or something? She's out of control bro, it's not fair on you or your parents."
"Riley knows how to play on our weaknesses. Her threats are real, she pulls the self harm card if we push her or tries kill herself. We tried before," I cringe at the memories and my body moves to the warmth. The burning, it heats my shivering body. "Shit, sorry bro, I'll move her."
"It's fine, don't move her. Let her sleep, she's easier to manage when she's passed out." My head is resting on his lap. He feels so warm, I wish I could stay in my safe haven that he created for me. The darkness takes over my body as I seek my fix.
I wake to the burn again in my lungs and I start coughing over and over. "Sis?" I continue to cough my lungs out, "Take it easy, your lungs will need time to recover after your little stunt." I groan and open my eyes. I lick my dry lips, I'm so thirsty.
"Hang on sweetheart I'll get you some water," Mother says and I watch her leave the room. I look around the room for him until my eyes lock onto him. His black eyes that haunt me now bring me comfort. He's watching me with dark grave eyes but doesn't say anything from the chair in the corner of the room.
Mother returns and passes me the cold drink. I take a mouthful and I spit it out all over Tyler, "Urgh, Riley!" he groans wipes the water from his face.
"Is something wrong with it darling?" Mother asks.
"Yeah, it's water," I mutter and I hear Flynn growl.
She ignores me and asks, "Are you hungry Lee Lee? When was the last time you ate? I hate how much weight you're losing."
"Dunno, Mother. Burger monday, I believe." I hear gasps around the room.
"I'll go get dinner started then. Let me know if you need something darling. Drink the water, it's good for you." I nod and she leaves the room.
"Where's my bag?" I ask and Tyler gets up and crosses the room to retrieve my bag. He places it on the bed in front of me and I grab a vodka bottle. I unscrew it and go to tip it in the glass but Tyler snatches it from me. "Tyler!" I yell. I dig around my bag to find scraps in another bottle.
"Fuck sake sis," he digs through my bag emptying the contents of the bag. Two empty vodka bottles, half a bottle of vodka. Tiny bottle of tequila. "Where did you get all this?"
"From the shop. I stocked up at the supermarket before I came. Jesse took me for a hand job. I just wish I swiped more." I roll my eyes.
"You're under age, how do you get served?"
"Well, in a supermarket it doesn't matter as I fill up my bag and leave. Corner shops are harder but I have one off campus that serves me vodka and fags most mornings on route to class. After I swipe a bottle of wine."
"Christ, it's worse than I thought. I thought you were better at Duke but I guess not. In some ways you're worse." I roll my eyes, "Do you even sober up ever?"
"I try not to, vodka in my coffee hits the spot before class." I look at Flynn who's staying quiet in the corner just watching. "Where's my tequila?"
"Where's your Tequila?" Flynn snaps. "Is she fucking serious? Probably in the bottom of the fucking ocean where you would be right now if we didn't pull you out. Why don't you care about the seriousness about this? All you care about is your fucking drink. You may as well just pull the trigger at least your loved ones won't watch you do this to yourself." He stands up and leaves the room.
"He's in a fucking grumpy mood." I groan and sip the skanky water.
"Fuck Riley, he nearly fucking drowned out there trying to save you. The tide was fucking strong and it was dark, we couldn't find you. He gave you CPR, I'm lucky to have a best friend like him. He saved my sister and you ain't shit to each other. That's how much of a good friend he is to me. Not that you'd know because you don't have any! I was a fucking mess whilst he saved you and for some odd reason so was he!" Tyler gathers up all the bottles and storms out the room with them.
I get up and walk out of his room with my bag and go to my room. I slam the door and lay on my bed. Pink invades my eyes. Stupid childhood bedroom. I grab the mirror off the wall and I throw it against the wall. It shatters into pieces and the sound rings in my ears. I grab a piece of glass and I use the sharpness to try remove the pink fucking wall paper.
I start with the wall by my bed as I stand on it. The glass slices into my hand just as much as it is the wall paper. White walls peek underneath the paper. I use my left hand to pull the loose paper whilst my right hand pushes the glass to slice the paper. The door opens and I feel the burn as I frantically rip the paper. Warm hands wrap around waist and I'm pulled away from the wall. "Drop it, Riley!" he growls in my ear.
I try to struggle out of his hold but it's no use, "Get off me Flynn," I yell. Flynn's hand holds my hand with the sharp glass and I drop it immediately, it clatters to the ground. He doesn't let go of my hand only brings it closer to look at it. The blood feels cold compared to his burning hand.
"What the hell are you doing?" he sets me on my feet but continues to hold me from behind.
"The colour is too much."
"What colour?"
"The walls! The pink fucking walls, I see everything in black and white now. I hate seeing so much god damn colour." I turn in his arms to look up at him, "Accept when you make the colour around you."
"What do you mean?" he gasps.
"You make me see colour when I'm with you when I normally see grey. It's comforting but this, I can't handle it."
"I'm going to get some bandages for your hand. Wait here don't go anywhere," he pushes me to sit on the bed and I sigh.
"Just chop it off, it would be easier," he ignores me and leaves the room. Fuck this, I get up and walk down the hall and stop outside what would be Flynn's room. I push the door open and I curl up in his bed. I let my bloody hand hang over the bed. It's easier in here, less pink, less memories.
The pillow smells musky of his scent. My body craves the alcohol but when I smell him, it's not so strong. When he's close to me that feeling disappears. The door creeks open and Flynn's worried expression relaxes with relief when his eyes find me. "I thought I told you to stay put."
"I couldn't handle another second in there. Besides, no one in my room." He crooks one side of his lip up in amusement.
"I think we've established that rule doesn't apply to me." My hand flinches when his holds it, "does it hurt?"
"No, you burned me again." He withdraws his hand in horror.
"What?"
"Never mind," I need to glue my mouth shut. Bloody hell. He brings a chair over to me and sits down. He places my hand in his lap whilst he opens the first aid box.
"No, don't hold back, Riley. I want you to be open and honest with me. No, I need it. Seeing you walking into the water like that. . ." he closes his eyes to hide his pain. "I fucking need you to open up, Riley. Seeing you do this to yourself hurts me."
"Your touch burns me." I confess as he wipes my wound with an anticeptic wipe. "I'm so fucking cold all the time, you heat me from the outside in. That's how you make me feel shit you make my icy frozen heart beat when you're with me. When I let you fuck me, I felt warm for hours. I didn't crave the drink. I was high on you, so congratulations. Your fucking games to toy with me worked, just don't pour too much salt on my wounds."
He places a dressing on my cut and starts to bandage my hand, "I'm not playing you Riley, I love you." He looks me in the eyes, "You love me."
"No, I don't love anyone. I can't, I'm broken. You create a safe haven just for me. It's like my own person fix, I get high on it. It's better than any alcohol or drug. The alcohol chills me and it's so. . . I feel dead. In my safe haven I'm safe and warm and. . . me." I shake my head. "Fuck it all, stop talking Riley."
"Keep going, I need to hear this."
"After . . . I couldn't cope with my feelings my guilt. I changed. My hair to match my soul, the clothes I wore, I always wear black to match my soul. I deserve to have a black soul after what I did."
"I don't care what you did, Riley, you don't deserve to be punished like this. You don't need to change for your guilt." He ties the bandage and he pulls me onto his lap. It's my favourite place to be. "To watch you with all those guys. . . but it was worse to see you with that scum bag. What wanker openly fingers someone in public? I'm a fucking player Riley but I'm not that psychotic." he strokes my face with his hands, "When he said he was going to fuck you there with everyone watching I felt sick. You would have fucking let it happen too. You have no self respect and you deserve more respect than that. You're a good person underneath your mask. It was the last straw when he tasted what was mine."
"I'm not yours Flynn, I will never be yours or anyones."
"You were mine the minute you let me claim you. I've just been really bad at protecting what's mine." I roll my eyes and his mouth crushes mine. "You.are.mine." I moan into his mouth. I'm fucking hot, "Say it Riley." he growls between kisses.
"I--"
"Dinners ready," Mother calls and I pull away thankful for the interruption. I climb off his lap and head for the door.
"This isn't over Riley, I will make you admit it to yourself." I roll my eyes and head downstairs. I scan the dining room and I sit next to Tyler opposite my parents. Flynn sits next to me on my left.
"Oh darling, what happened to your hand?" Mother stares at my hand.
"Fucking sliced the shitting thing trying to get rid of the shitting wallpaper."
"Could you get any more swear words in there, Riley? Can we keep it civil around the table, please, love." Father says, I roll my eyes.
I watch mother struggling eating her food with only one hand and it fucks me up. This is why I didn't want to be back here to be a constantly reminded of what I did. Mother looks up and smiles at me, I pick up the cutlery and tuck into the corned beef hash. "Sweetheart it's fine. Besides you'll be pleased to know I'm being fitted for a prosthetic next month," she beams at me and I slam my cutlery down causing everyone to jump.
"Pleased to know? Are you kidding me?" I yell, "That only adds to my guilt because now I know that you feel the need to get one. I made your life miserable that you feel uncomfortable." Flynn's hand squeezes my thigh and I jump. I look at him and he shakes his head.
"Honey, this guilt isn't good for you. I'm just thankful we are still here as a family. I only really applied for one because of you. I know you can't stand looking at it, I thought it may help you." I slump back onto the chair and I sigh.
"Okay." I sigh again and pick up my fork and cram loads in my mouth.
"Okay?" Father says in disbelief, "No storming out? No shouting?" I roll my eyes. Flynn's burning out the pain right now.
"Yes, okay."
"I wanted to speak to you, as you seem to be calm. It's the annual halloween fair tomorrow. Will you accompany us? Everyone keeps asking about you. Mrs Webber asked just the other day."
"Fuck Mrs Webber." Tyler snaps and even I gasp, "After what her son did to her. Fuck her is what I say."
"Honey, she can't be accountable for his sins. She's going through hell too." I shove more food in my mouth.
"Why are you so calm Lee?" Tyler looks at me. Oh, I'm deliriously high on Flynn. "After your confession last week I can't see why you are still here."
"Ask me later," I shrug. I'm sure I'll be pissed later. "I appreciate your support Ty I do, I just. . . well I don't know."
They all look at me like my heads exploded or something. "You haven't called me that in so long. What is going on right now?" I put my hand on Flynn's thigh like his is on mine. I continue to cram in the food and Flynn laughs at me. I try to contain my laughter and end up spitting food out as I erupt into laughter.
"You eat food so weird." Flynn continues to laugh with me. I look at my mother who's silently crying, I stop immediately.
"No, please. . . don't stop you haven't laughed like that in so long." I get up and walk into the living room and sit on the sofa. Moments later they all come into the living room. "Honey, you want to play charades?"
"Fuck, yes! That will be a laugh watch Riley act shit out." Flynn chuckles. I grab a pillow and lob it at his head. He catches it with ease, "You wound me Riley." I giggle at his wounded face.
"Okay, I'll get the game out," Mother says. I sit on the floor and lean against the sofa. Flynn casually climbs over me and sits on the sofa directly behind me. Father sits on the sofa opposite us. Tyler sits next to Flynn on the sofa. "Tyler will you keep score?"
Tyler takes the notepad and pencil. "Okay, who's on what team?"
"One of you should be on our side. Us oldies need all the help we can get." Mother says and I laugh.
"Okay, you all okay if I be on their team? And then Lee and Flynn on the other? You aren't going to get pissy are you, Lee?" I roll my eyes. Still, high here. I shake my head. "Seriously, what have you done with my sister?" he jokes and I laugh taking it the way he wanted me to not the way I usually take shit.
"Honey, do you want to go first then?" I nod and stand up probably giving Flynn an eye full of my ass. I grab a card and roll my eyes. At least it's an easy one.
I hold 3 fingers up, "Three words."Flynn says. I hold my hands out in front of me and walk with my tongue hanging out. "Demented rabbit?" I roll my eyes. I use the film action shot followed by two fingers and mimicking walking. Third word I lay on the floor and pretend to be dead. "Sleeping beauty?"
"Flynn!" I whine. He laughs hysterically. I get up off the floor and try mimicking a zombie again.
"You're hilarious Riley, I knew it was the walking dead ages ago." I let my arms fall and glare at him. He continues to laugh and I launch at him. He stands up and throws me over his shoulder and I squeal. I punch his back as he tickles me and I laugh uncontrollably.
"Flynn, you're annoying!" I gasp. He puts me down and returns to his seat. I use his knees to lower myself back down on the floor in front of him. "Your turn Mom."
"Mom," she beams as she stands up. She holds her hand and stump to her chest like she's in awe. Fuck it, I called her Mom not Mother. She grabs a card and looks at it before returning it to the table.
She holds up two fingers. Mimics a film, she points at my face for the first word and I frown. Second one she points to herself and me. "Freaky friday," Father shouts and mother shakes her head.
"Sister Act!" Tyler calls and Mother shakes her head.
"Shrek," I mumble and roll my eyes.
"Pretty woman." Tyler says.
"Yes!" Mom jumps up and down.
"Where the hell did you get Shrek from?" Flynn smirks as he gets up. He grabs a card and looks at it. He mimics film one word. He pulls his jacket off his arms spins the coat and throws it and I laugh. He puts his hands in front of him and thrusts his hips forward.
I laugh hysterically as he acts out the dance to grease lightin'. He points his finger at me and moves it to the other side. I continue to laugh at him and everyone else joins in. He jumps on the coffee table and does the pointy thing again. He puts his hands in the air and shakes his hips side to side. "Are you going to take any guesses? Or are you going to watch me make a fool of myself?"
"I'm enjoying you make a fool of yourself." I laugh so much so that it hurts. He pouts at me and I let him off, "Fine Grease." I giggle.
"When did you learn to dance like that Bro? The girls would kill for that at Duke."
"Can you get off my lovely table now dear?" Mother says nicely. He jumps down and sits behind me on the sofa again. We play for another two hours or so until we all retire to bed. Flynn and I won despite one another mocking each other. I actually enjoyed tonight and I can't help but wonder if that's Flynn's burning presence.