Prank Week [ON HOLD INDEFINITELY]

Chapter 36: Raymond

Thursday, September 5, 12:00 am

So I get home in my crappy Subaru Legacy 2009, when I see the stupidest shit ever. First of all, Derek passed out, not really news, he gets drunk at least thrice a week. But pink lipstick writing all over his damn face. That's just the stereotypical frat guy for you.

And everyone's asleep. Like what's up with that? Did they all get high on chloroform and acid or what?! Zach usually stays up downstairs at least, and from what I could tell, he was passed out on the sofa too. I just hope that's all they did. They probably saw me pull in the driveway. I start to wake Derek up. Advice: Don't ever try to wake a drunk. They're complete A-holes when they do come to.

"Derek. Derek." He doesn't move. "Big D?" Even if he didn't have one, we can still call him one. See what I did there? "Asshole. Levello. Derek!" He turns slightly. "Motherfucker, wake the hell up before I go all Cali style on your ass!"

Just before I try anything, he jolts up with the stupidest look on his face.

"Dude, I just had the weirdest dream. I was at a Red Sox game, but I was the mascot, Wally the green monster. And I traveled into the Grand Canyon on the Milennium Falcon with Tom Selleck and Ke$ha yelling at me, saying 'Watch out for the vultures, they like ketchup!' And the dream ended with me making out with Bugs Bunny."

Face palm. Why the hell did I join a fraternity? Anyway, back to reality.

"Derek, what happened?!"

"In the dream?" He said, snockered like an Irish man. "I already told you what happened in my dream."

"Not the damn dream, dilwad! What the heck is on your face?!" I screamed at him, forehead vein popping out.

"Stubble? I don't know, you tell me." he said. I swear. What kind of genes have to combine to make a drunk idiot like this one?

"No, Derek." I said, trying to keep my cool. "Your forehead has pink lipstick on it. And it says NAT RULES in all caps!"

"Oh Nat? Yeah Nat's awesome. She's my sister."

"Alright Captain Obvious, where are the other guys?!"

"In bed I think. Caleb and I were drinking a few beers and next thing I know I'm making love to a Looney Tunes character. That's all I know."

"Where is Caleb?" I asked, perturbed.

"Check the bathroom." he said.

I marched down the hallway, pounding my shoes against the floor, and swung open the bathroom door to a horrific sight. Caleb, one of the older frat guys half awake, pissing into the sink, with his floppy brown hair stuffed into Roy's shower cap!

"Caleb! What the hell are you doing?!" I said as loud as possible, surprised that none of the guys started to wake up.

"Practicing my aim." he giggled, his eyes rolling back in his head.

"How drunk are you?" I asked, trying to keep my cool.

"Your mom." Caleb said, laughing hysterically and turning in my direction suddenly, peeing directly on me.

"What the fuck?! What the hell is your problem, jackass?! Go to fucking damn sleep, NOW!!!!!!"

It seemed right on queue, he collapsed. I was still covered in Idiot piss all over my khakis.

I tried to breathe deeply, taking in my thoughts. Why when I leave is it that the guys act so stupid? Somebody has to be sane here. I crept over to the room. Chase lay still and peaceful, like a napping baby. I snuck over to him. His multi colored hair brushed over his face and his nose wriggled up.

"Wake up!" I shook him.

"What the hell, man?" he said, sitting up abruptly.

"What happened while I was gone?"

"Hello to you too, ass." he climbed back under the covers.

"Sorry man, but I get home and everybody is wasted, like what the fuck?"

"How should I know? I've been asleep. You know I don't drink."

"Yeah," I said, keeping my cool. "Not sure if you're a real frat guy."

He swung the pillow at me. "Anyways, what happened?!"

"I don't know man, all the guys are out there on the floor, drunk as fuck. Except... Zach. Where's he at?"

"He usually zonks out on the sofa." Chase rolled over, still half awake.

I ran downstairs to see if our head chef had been caught in a drinking coma too. As I made my way downstairs, I saw a flash of light, almost like a laptop screen. As I walk down the last few stairs, I heard suspicious snoring, but decided to head back up. I've had enough stupidity for one night.

I walked back into the room, checking at Chase, cuddled into the blankets.

"Night man," I said.

"Goodnight," he fell asleep.

I stared back at him for awhile, then shut out the light. I decided to crash on the futon. I'll talk to the guys tomorrow, right now's not the best time...