Silver and Cold |h.s.|

18. To Fear a Loss

The door shut quietly, far too quietly compared to the pained expression that had fallen upon your face the moment he'd said that final word.

Harry felt his guts twist and shift, his heart thumping wildly in his chest at the same time that it sunk into the depths of him.

What had he done?

What had he actually done?

He was so stubborn. He knew this about himself. He knew that it was his tragic flaw and yet he hadn't stopped his mouth from forming the words. He didn't stop himself even as he'd watched your eyes lose their sparkle, that honey liquid freezing mid shimmer.

He felt his hand clutch over where his heart should be but he wondered if he even had one to begin with. He didn't know how to love anything anymore. After Blaze and his ex girlfriend...he just didn't know what it meant anymore. To love something was dangerous. It was something that could be held over him and used to harm and injure him.

He'd never loved anything like he'd loved Blaze...except for maybe you. You had crawled into the spaces that had been left empty inside of him after losing his beloved companion. Now, you took up residence in his heart and he was just afraid.

He'd almost lost you once. You'd almost died in front of him as he'd trembled and tried to sew your arm back up. You'd almost died in his arms. Harry was absolutely terrified of how much love he felt for you and the risk of losing you was too great.

But now, this felt even worse.

It felt so much worse just watching you walk out that door in defeat. He knew you'd put yourself out there. He knew how strange this must all be for you because it was just as strange for him. He didn't know what to do.

It was easier to just let you go. To let you get back to your family and your duties to the forest. It was so easy to say all the wrong things and push you out even as he desperately wanted to draw you in.

Harry couldn't admit that he felt the emptiness of his bed every single night. The side of the bed that Selene had claimed as her own was left cold and every night his treacherous mind collected on that emptiness. His protector was gone and his night terrors reared their ugly heads and clinked their nasty claws together in glee.

He'd done this to himself. Of course you wouldn't come to his aid when he'd been so cruel. He knew you had to be able to hear his cries at night and still you didn't come to him. He both did and didn't blame you for it. It was a weird seesaw of sorts, a juggling act of emotions about it all.

On the one hand he was an asshole.

On the other, he was just a man, with scars of his own, trying to tread this new revelation carefully.

He was so tired of fighting his feelings though. He was so exhausted of it and that was why it was so much easier to just let you go. Do the noble thing and let you leave so you could move on. There was nothing special about him, nothing good in him left to give you, so it was better this way.

With his head hung low in disappointment and hurt, he trudged towards the door to lock it behind you but something gleamed from your bedroom that caught his attention.

There, on the bed, was your collar. The one he'd made for you. He took tentative steps towards it and picked the heavy chain up, feeling its smooth weight in the palm of his hand.

Seeing it laying there had triggered something. Something inside of him that couldn't let you go. An enormous thing that longed to hold you and push your hair from your face because he knew the length bothered you. A chunk of him that wanted to press his lips to yours and whisper the depths of his love for you.