Agent Alaska: Recollection and Freelancer

Season 7: "Don't Get Me Started"

Years ago...

A child in black hair and blue dead eyes, named Conor, was laying in the grass, covered in his blood. His eyes giving up on him as he felt himself 'bout to die. Before his eyes could close, a massive figure comes running to him.

???: "Blargh argh" [I got you, little one...]

Cut to Valhalla.

Sarge: "Attention: Blue Team! This is the Red Team! We are here to destroy you! Your long reign of being the shittiest team around is about to come to the sudden and cataclysmic end! We will give you a few moments to suck in the horrors of this announcement! And then return for your reaction. Be right back!"

Sarge backs down towards Red Base, where Simmons and Grif are standing.

Sarge: "Hehe. Alright, that oughta scare the bejeebus out of them!"

Simmons: "Actually, sir. Since it's just a couple of them over there-"

Grif: "And one of them is an idiot..."

Simmons: "-I don't really see the point in psychological warfare."

Sarge: "You're right, Simmons. It's not really accurate to refer to one person as a team. What's better? Blue Person? Blue Man? Bluetonian?"

Grif: "Wait, doesn't blue team have like 3 freelancers?"

Simmons: "What I meant was-"

Sarge: "Bluetard!"

Simmons: "...What I meant was, I don't see the point in announcing to them that we're gonna attack. Why don't we just do it?"

Sarge: "There's an order to this, Simmons. We can't abandon protocol just because we have an advantage! We have to give them a chance to see the errors of their Blue ways! To lay down their arms and meet their fellow men at the table of peace, where we can work together towards a better world. A world that's better, because we poisoned their food at that table, and stab them in the eye with a fork. And take all of their stuff."

Simmons: "...Dibs on the computers."

Sarge: "Noted. Now watch that base. Tell me if anything changes."

Simmons: "Yes, sir! And sir?"

Sarge: "Yes, Simmons?"

Simmons: "I just wanna say, I'm glad I was here to see you on your day of victory. It's been a long time coming."

Sarge: "Yes it has, hasn't it? My skills as a leader have really taken us far. It must've been quite an honor to serve with me. (pause) Ah... okay. Glad we had this talk."

Simmons: (hopeful) "Are you glad I'm here too, Sarge?"

Sarge: "Of course I am."

Simmons: "I knew it! I just could-"

Sarge: "The squad's kill-death ratio is the most important measurement when evaluating sergeants! If you had died, that would've hurt my numbers."

Simmons: (sniffs and walks off) (dejectedly) "Glad I could help!"

Sarge: "It's better to keep a little padding in our stats! That way, if we're far enough ahead, I can stab Grif in the face, and still stay in the lead."

Grif: "You know, I'm standing right here."

Sarge: "Right where I want you: within face-stabbing range!"