The 65th Hunger Games - EDITING

Chapter thirty-eight

A high-pitched scream filled with terror finds its way to my ears, making me jump on my feet, ready to run away. Curious, I wait for the sound of the canon, but it doesn't come. It seems that even the arena is waiting for something to happen; the peaceful chirping of the birds has been replaced by a heavy silence. Time itself seems to be stretching as if it was trying to savour this brief moment of calm. I hear a second scream, now filled with pain. It's not too far from me, maybe two hundred yards, probably less. Could the Careers be closer than I thought? Unless they started exploring, that theory doesn't make any sense; the Cornucopia is still a mile away. It's probably someone else. At this point in the Games, I'm sure I'm not the only one who started to kill; allies are probably starting to turn on each other.

After what seems like an eternity, the loud recognizable sound of the canon resonates in the arena. It doesn't take long before the birds start chirping and flying around again as if nothing happened. In a way, I wish I was like them: high in the sky, hiding from the human eye. I wish I was safe. I grab my backpack and start walking towards the place the scream came from. It's a stupid strategy, but it's the only one I have right now. One way or another, I will have to face whoever killed that girl before the end of the Games and doing it while that tribute expects it the less is the best option.

I don't know whose canon that was, but this is only a reminder that the feeling of peace and safety that I took for granted at home is something I will never be able to feel again. Even if I somehow beat the Careers and I go back to District 4, I don't think I'll ever lose this awful constant feeling of being in danger. Doubt, fear and dread begin filling my mind. I don't consider the idea that I can get out of here alive impossible, not since I received the trident. This weird mix of nasty feelings come from somewhere else: the realization that I will never win. I may be crowned victor, I may go home, I may see my family again, but I will never really be the winner. In a way, I will forever be trapped in here. This arena and all of the monstrosities that happened here always will be a part of me and I will have to carry the weight of the bodies of the dead tributes on my shoulders for the rest of my life. This is not the first time that this thought crosses my mind, but now that I'm so close to the end, it just feels different, more real. Once again, Viviana's words echo in my mind. Even if I wish she was still alive, I'm glad she will never see the monster that I've become the second I decided that I was going to kill someone this morning. It's crazy to think about how much I've changed in the past four days. In such a short amount of time, I went from the boy who helped his parents with everything to the boy that kills with no mercy. I was the kind of person who would fight someone older and stronger, just because he or she attacked a weaker kid or stole from a poorer citizen and now, I'm worse than everyone I used to fight. I stole a life, I killed someone. As horrible as I feel right now, I know I would be able to do it again and that's exactly what makes me a monster. Not only do I know I could, I know that I will have to do it again and soon; I have to end the three remaining Careers, even if that cost me the little bit of humanity I have left. As my father was pulled away from me, I clearly remember him telling me to not let the Games change me. He now figures on the list of people I've failed. I feel like that list becomes longer every single day. I wonder when was the exact time I deceived my father; was it when that boy exhaled his last breath or was it the exact moment I decided I would kill someone with my own hands? I don't know why it affects me that much. Maybe because I know what loss feels like and that by taking a life, I break apart a family, I end friendships, I kill the children that this person could have had.

I don't think I will feel this bad after killing the Careers. I won't enjoy it of course, but it definitely will not be as hard. I don't know if it's their attitude, their eagerness to kill or the flagrant amusement they have seeing other tributes' distress. It's probably a combination of all that. Maybe I just hate them and I'm projecting my own fear and regret to avoid being hurt. It wouldn't be the first time I did that. After my brother died, I kind of became an expert at projecting my insecurities on other people when I was the one to blame.

Before I even realise it, I'm hiding behind a tree as the voice of two people arguing becomes louder. I recognize it instantly; it's the Careers'. I can't understand what they are saying yet, but the boy seems annoyed. Unlike me, they are not trying to be careful. They are loud and they don't care about anyone hearing them. It can only mean one thing: they have weapons and they are not afraid to use them. I tighten my grip on my trident, weirdly hoping it's going to make me invisible. I can hear my heart pounding loudly inside of my chest as if it was going to somehow get out of my ribcage. They are getting closer and closer; I can now understand clearly what they are saying.

"If you wanted to do it yourself, you just had to find her first. It's not my problem if you're stupid and useless!" shouts the boy.

"It was my turn! You killed the last one. You're just trying to gain some points for the ranking." angrily replies Adriana Wrenquill, the girl from one.

"Both of you, shut upbefore I slit your throat! There are three other tributes left. They'reobviously going to come back to the Cornucopia soon. I take the boy from fourand you guys can split the other two. Once that is done, the real fun begins."