A Day in the Night Sky

Kabanata 24

Begin

The world will never stop and bend. No matter the hurt, no matter how hard, it will always continue to spin and spin. And spin. And spin. Until it makes a full turn and it begins to take another again. It's a never-ending cycle.

And we have to go with it. Freely.

I spent months travelling from country to country. Matapos kong bisitahin si Tita Eva sa Japan at mag-celebrate ng Pasko at Bagong Taon kasama niya, nagtungo ako sa Spain at Portugal kasama si Daddy. Inikot ko ang buong Europe. Wala namang problema sa pera. Dad said it's alright.

In my travels, I never once took a picture. The first and last photo I took was the shikizakura in Aichi Prefecture. 'Yon lang. I wanted to preserve the memory of one of the things my mom loved alone.

Days became longer. Habang palipat-lipat ako ng pinupuntahan, nasasanay ko ang isip kong mapunta sa ibang bagay. I met new people. I had new experiences. I did the things I was never given the chance to do before.

It was fun while it lasted.

Then came the lonely hours of the night. Ayokong mag-isip. Naging malala ang insomnia ko nitong mga nakaraang buwan. I was near to overdosing myself with sleeping pills just so my thoughts could quiet down for a bit.

"How are you, darling?"

I was face-timing my dad. Umuwi siya ng Pilipinas noong nakaraang linggo. Tanging kasama ko lang dito ay si Manang Esme at iilang mga bodyguard.

How am I? I'm good. I have to.

Ngumiti ako. "I'm doing good, Dad! You don't have to worry about me!"

Hindi siya sumagot. Imbes ay tinitigan niya ako nang mabuti at sinuri ang buong mukha ko. I know he's not convinced. I'm not convinced too.

"You've been travelling a lot lately. Hindi ka ba napapagod?"

"No. Actually, masaya! I get to... experience other things."

Tumango-tango siya at ngumiti.

"How's your first therapy session? Kailan ka ulit tutuloy? And your meds? Have you been taking them?"

Bahagyang nawala ang ngiti ko. I have stopped taking my meds months ago. Hindi ko na rin kinontak si Doctor Garcia magmula noong nagset ng schedule si Daddy sa mga therapy session ko kasama siya last week sa Madrid.

My first psychiatrist diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and anxiety. Sa Pilipinas na rin sana ang treatment ko. Pero sa kagustuhan kong lumabas ng bansa, naantala 'yon. At ngayong may schedule na ng therapy sessions, ako naman ang umaayaw.

"I-It's doing well, Daddy. Maganda r-raw ang result ng unang therapy ko. I'll continue, probably a-after San Marino," pagsisinungaling ko.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I just feel like the world's sucking me too much into its bottomless void, that no matter what I do, they're all helpless right from the start.

"That's good, darling. That's good! I want to see you happy."

He was visibly happy. So I will be happy for you, Daddy. Pipilitin kong makalimot at maging masaya.

And that's what I did. Or maybe, was trying to do.

"Why do I have to undergo... a therapy?"

This was my first consultation with my doctor in Madrid. Nagkataon na may binisita siyang ospital sa Madrid kaya madali siyang nakontak ni Daddy.

Doctor Meredith Garcia smiled warmly at me. She's a Filipina, that's why her smile radiated a sense of familiarity and seemed a bit more warm than the other doctors I've come across here.