A Day in the Night Sky

Kabanata 38

Lost

The scenery was splendid.

Flowers scattered everywhere. Colors splashed all around the place. The sun stood brightly among the clouds. It was the perfect day.

But the one that stood out the most was the sunflowers my mother always loved since then.

Marahang dumampi ang bulong ng hangin sa aking balat. Tinanggal ko ang bitbit na payong at naupo sa damuhan. I smiled.

"You've got taste, Mommy."

Niyakap ko ang aking mga tuhod. Nanunuot ang init, ngunit nanatili pa rin ako sa aking posisyon.

I sighed. How long has it been since I gazed at their faces? 6 years?

Nailibing sila sa pribadong lupain namin dito sa Candelaria. Napapalibutan ng mga bulaklak ang buong lugar, lalo na ng mga sunflower. It was my mom's wish since then to be buried here.

Sa magkabilang-gilid ay ang mga kapatid ko. Kuya and Ate's smiles were wide. Si Mommy naman ay pormal na pormal pa rin.

Had they grown more, and got older, would they have their own families now? May pamangkin na siguro ako. And I'd spoil her. Or him. Well, maybe both.

I'd spoil them so much that my siblings would complain and reprimand me for it. I'd give them the world. I'd love them and cherish them.

I chuckled at the thought.

Hindi na mangyayari 'yon. At tanggap ko na. Time has long passed.

Ngayon lang ako naglakas ng loob bumisita matapos ang lahat ng nangyari. The first thing I did when I went home was to put up my business and get the case done as soon as possible.

Kasi pakiramdam ko, wala akong mukhang ihaharap sa kanila. Sa tagal ng panahon na namuhay ako sa labas ng bansa at walang ginagawa, I don't think I have the right to see them until I get them to rest peacefully first.

"I miss you guys. So much."

I didn't cry. I'm happy now. And I've come to realize a lot of things.

It's been two days since I left the hospital. Nabalitaan ko kay Daddy na hindi pa rin pinapalabas si Chaos dahil sa injuries niya.

"Ano'ng gagawin ko ngayon, Ate? Chaos has been giving me the headache."

And in those days, I spent it thinking about what will happen from then on.

I was selfish. If only I listened to him, then, maybe he wouldn't have to be there. Maybe we won't be in this mess.

Mahirap mang aminin para sa akin, pero tama si Eliza. Kasalanan ko ang lahat ng 'to. It makes me question my promise to him. That I wouldn't leave.

"Siguro... kailangan ko munang lumayo, Kuya?"

This is not just about the world being against us. This is not just being afraid of what might happen to him if I continue staying by his side.

Patuloy kong tinanaw ang malawak na tanawin habang kinakausap sila.

"What do you think, Mommy?"

The six years abroad gave me some time to heal. But I feel like I never grew much. I was still that selfish girl from years ago. Ganoon pa rin. May mga nagbago man, konti lang.

Pain and grief will teach you a lot of lessons about life. But it will never tell you how to live, nor will it guide you how to grow. Nasa atin pa rin 'yon, kung susubukan.

And I want to grow. I want to deserve him. If staying away from him would mean I'd grow a lot better, then I will.

I stood and bid my goodbyes. I left tulips there. Sa lahat ng bulaklak na naroon, wala ang paborito kong tulips. At gusto kong bigyan sila ng bagay na paborito ko rin.