The Insider Ghost Ship: She Said, He Said

CHAPTER 24: He Said: About 'Disturbing the Calm Water'

"Abeoji, may I have another sandwich to go, haejuseyo?" U Ju requested from his Dad politely.

"For Mo Ne?" asked Ik Jun.

"Ne. I promised her yesterday that I will bring her back a sandwich today."

"Arasseo. Finish that up first, and we'll get one before we go."

Ik Jun stared with fascination at his son as he struggled to finish the Egg Drop sandwich in his hands.

"Ya, U Ju...." He began, since it seemed the sandwich would take quite a while to be finished. "I haven't met Mo Ne yet. I think I need to. You've been talking about her quite a lot."

"Soon, Abeoji."

"Yaksok?"

"Yaksokhaeyo, Abeoji."

After eating at Egg Drop, playing at the park and going to the bookstore, the father-and-son tandem went home with new bedtime stories to read. After doing the dishes and cleaning up, he went to U Ju's room and saw all the new books scattered on his bed, apparently having a hard time choosing one.

"Appa, what should I choose?"

" If you can't decide, you can just close your eyes and point at whichever."

Which was what U Ju did. After two bedtime stories and an update on Mo Ne, he got tired and went to sleep. Ik Jun stayed by his side.

He stared at him like there was no tomorrow. His son was growing up so fast—too fast—between his eyes he could hardly keep up. He was afraid that if he fell asleep tonight, he would wake up to his son all grown up, working at the same hospital with him, already married to Mo Ne and also a father to his own son.

He smiled at the thought. If he could only know what tomorrow might bring, so that he could prepare for it. But nobody did, and nobody would.

For instance, he did not know that he and Hye Jeong would end up in divorce. He did not know that she would cheat on him. And he did not know that U Ju would have such a profound effect in his life.

And he also did not know what would become of him and Song Hwa. He had confessed three times and still no answer from her. Perhaps it was a sign that he should no longer expect one. Painful as it was, he was beginning to consider letting go of his feelings for her to hold on to their friendship. It was the next best thing, and if he could not have her as a lover, he would take her as a friend. He already had for twenty years; he could still do so for another twenty.

Whatever it was that was going on in a woman's mind and heart were truly something someone needed to dive deep into. He thought he knew how to understand women, but what was happening between him and Song Hwa was proving him wrong. For the past twenty years, there were times that he felt she had feelings for her. That it was him whom she considered most special amongst the four of them. That it was him whom she looked forward to spending her life together with.

But he knew that was not the truth about their situation. She had feelings for Jeong Won then, she might still have until now. That did not change the fact that they could not be together because it was Gyeo Eul that Jeong Won loves. That he, Ik Jun, is the one that loves her. That could not undo what had already happened. And that could not make her do something against her will—for instance, love him.

That night, when Director Ju innocently asked why 'nothing' happened between them, he knew exactly what he was talking about. That was why he reacted the way he did and was the first one to do so. He somehow felt guilty, because saying that 'nothing' happened between them was not entirely true. He was grateful, though, that Jun Wan was the first to speak up. When he asked if there had been any, he knew his secret was safe. Unless of course, if someone had previously read his mind, or if someone caught him looking at Song Hwa at that moment. His heart skipped a beat when she turned to him, after Jeong Won turned to her, while trying to find an answer to Jun Wan's question. His best option at that time was to turn to Seuk Hyung, whom he believed would only turn to either Jun Wan or Jeong Won, thus ending the loop of stares and dropping the subject.

But, man, how I miscalculated that situation!

When Seuk Hyung dropped the bomb and told his story of rejection, he could not help asking why, even though he already knew. Somehow, he was wishing for a different answer to the same twenty-year-old question.

She said she liked someone else.

The thought kept playing in his mind. For twenty years, he dealt with it. Knowing it was Jeong Won who was the reason behind Seuk Hyung's rejection—and most likely his, too—was like an allergic reaction that he had to endure every time it was triggered. And the way things were going, it seemed that no amount of antihistamines would help him overcome this allergic reaction for now. He felt as if an anaphylactic attack was imminent.

Thinking of losing Song Hwa might really cause him to lose his breath. He had learned to live every day of his life for the past twenty years with her in it, he did not know if he could unlearn it. If he could, would it take another twenty years? If that was so, then he would be a senior citizen before he gets over her. That would be a great waste of time. Or would it be not?

As Seuk Hyung wisely put it after learning that his father's last will was for him to run the company, he did not want to waste time because it was too precious to spend on things he did not want to do. And he was holding on to those words. He chose to remain a doctor, help people who needed him, spend time with his dearest friends, and play in a band. His goals might be simple, but for him, it meant his whole life. And he is happy because he knew he made the right decision.

In his case, if he would choose to let go and forget his feelings for Song Hwa, that could mean a painful continuous process that he had to live by, until when he did not know. Or would it be wiser if he just keeps on confessing until she gives in and accepts? Would it be better if he just continues hoping for the best until she tells him not to do so anymore?

When he confessed, Song Hwa did not say a thing—anything—regarding the matter. She had her reasons why she kept silent, and he had his reasons why he keeps expecting. Although she, not saying anything about it was torturing him for quite awhile now, when he came to think of it, he would prefer that than being outrightly rejected.

Unless, Song Hwa says so, he would not stop loving her even if the feeling was not mutual. And until Song Hwa says no, he would still hold on to the hope of love between them.