𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬 {𝐿.𝑆.}

𝟛𝟠 ~ 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦

I have been up all night. I can't sleep. My mind keeps reminding me of the fact that Louis hates me. I betrayed him and there is no way to make this right.

It was a stupid thing to do. To let me get so sucked up in it by her. She got in my head and I never let that happen. I see through those tricks. But not this time. And this time I probably fucked up everything that could've been. And everything I could've had...

I decide to write Lou one last message. Desperate to talk to him to tell him what happened. If he'll forgive me or not is his decision to make.

Hey, please meet me at the old willow tree. 3pm. -H. x

I drop down on my bed again knowing he won't even respond. But I get ready and head to get there anyway. I take some blankets and a thermos filled with hot tea with me because it's quite cold still.

I jump on my motorcycle and drive to the fields. After a long walk through the high grass and soppy mud, I finally reach the tree. It's 2.38pm. I'm early but it's better that way. I don't want to make him wait... if he'll even show up.

The grass underneath the tree was just as dry as the grass on the way here. Luckily it hasn't rained in a while. Jet the ground was soggy and muddy at some points on the way.

I sat down on the cold hard ground. I tried not to think about the last time we were here. It was my birthday a few weeks ago. We went on a date together and Lou took me here.

We made flower crowns and did other sappy stuff. He had a full picnic basket full of food with cute plates and cups and everything. We had laid out a red checkered plaid to make it even more cliché. We played a little badminton. Which ended with the shuttle falling in the river, us just watching it disappear in the distance.

It was so small and lowbudget but it was way better than a expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant where we can't even be ourselves. Where we pretend to be just friends and nothing more than that.

I'm full on bawling my eyes out just thinking about it. I'm such an idiot. I threw away the one thing that made my life worth living...

The flowers I bought are laying beside me. It's already 3.14pm. I'm starting to doubt if Lou will come.

I know he read the message but maybe he doesn't even want to talk. Maybe he just wants to ignore me forever. Never letting me get to close again.

That's what I would probably do...

I can't with myself. How could I have been so stupid. So impulsive. So insane to just throw everything away?!

I'm only getting more and more frustrated and angry with myself. I pull my hair and start crying again.

He was the one...
I wanted to grow old with him...
Find out a way to have kids together...
and I threw it all away with one kiss.
In five minutes I ruined my entire future.

Just as I'm about to give up and go home, I hear footsteps coming my way. I look up through my watery lashes to the ocean blue eyes that never seem to be the same.

"Lou..." I let out in a sigh. Trying to think of what to say.

"Hi..." he says softly. He standing right in front of me. Towering over my small and curled up body. My arms wrapped around my knees.

"I fucked up." I say softly looking up at him again.

"You could say that." His tone is cold and nothing like the caring one that gives me comfort. No this voice gives me anxiety. Makes me want to dig a hole and never come out. It makes me feel like I'm the worst human being in the world. And he's right.

"I didn't mean to..."

"You didn't mean to what? Flirt with the guy? Kiss him? Or did the make out part not go as planned?"

"I should've never done it. I know. But-"

"But what Harry. What!" He screams at me his anger now coming out.

I flinch and duck down. "Eleanor... She was getting in my head all day. Trying to make me angry or pissed but- but I didn't let her get to me and- and she said. She said she wanted to make out with him and-"

"So you thought it would be better to do it yourself instead!"

"No. She said I could never get him. Daring me to make out before 12 o'clock."

"Well you won a dare. Have fun with that Harold."

"You don't get it! I didn't enjoy it. It was pure principle. I did it to prove her a point. And I guess she did it to get back at me or something- I don't know. She's driving us apart Lou!" I say pleading with my red rimmed eyes. I look in his and see his expression soften.

"You can't just blame her Harry... I get it but she didn't make out with him. You did."

"And she did it with god knows how many other guys!" I exclaim finding it unfair of Lou to use that as an excuse.

"Yes but I trusted you and I've always known not to trust El. There is a big difference and that is the fact that you damaged my trust." He says nearly breaking down.

"I didn't mean to Lou. I didn't want you to see-"

"You didn't want me to catch you, you mean. So you could've just gotten away with it."

"No so I could've calmly told you after. Without getting in a fight first!"

"Of course you would." He huffs turning around pacing back and forth. "I cannot believe I would actually think that you could keep your tongue out of others mouths..."

His words are like knifes driving into my heart. I've been trying so hard to be the best version of myself because he deserves it. Yet here I am. Breaking his heart. Breaking his trust.

I start full on crying again and feel an arm being wrapped around me.

"I never meant to hurt you..." I whisper sniffing.

"I know Hazz... it's okay. Just never again okay?" His voice is soft again and I nod.

"I promise." I say sternly looking him the eyes. Mine are filled with regret. While his are filled with hope and worry (and still a slight bit of anger...)

I'll have to build up trust again...

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