Kim Jungwoo, known as the unsociable beauty of the campus, paint himself as an ordinary junior college student. But that was just a mask to cover his anxiety-driven life filled with nightmares and self-doubt, which resulted for him to seek for the '...
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With sobs wracking my whole body I slumped down on the floor, devastated by what happened a few moments ago. Yuta just walked out of my apartment clearly hurt and mad and I'm going to lie if I didn't say it scared me. We usually have a few rows whenever he learns that I'm entertaining someone, but I think this time was our last.
The thought of it made my chest throbbed in pain as I sat on the floor while crying my eyes out. It hurts, so much. To know that you cannot say yes because you have things to consider. He didn't think about my feelings, all he did was pushed his way and gave me an ultimatum without letting me speak my mind.
I cared for him too, in my own discreet way. Small things like not giving Taeyong my consent to court me because I thought we could spend and enjoy more time together. But his suggestion made me scared. Scared of what will happen if I said yes to his idea of running away, scared with what it might cost us. Scared that if I took his hand I might change my mind later on.
I leaned my back on the wall while my tears kept flowing out. My eyes found the vase he just threw earlier and the roses that Taeyong gave me were crushed into a pulp staining my carpet with red blots. I wish it was easy, I wish we didn't belong in the same family.
Yuta didn't think about it. Our family. Our life together if we ran away. Sun-hee. But I did, since the day I found out about his real feelings for me. I thought about our family abandoning us, about people judging our relationship when they found out, about Sun-hee hating him for two-timing her with me, his cousin.
To be honest, I hated myself internally for a long time. I hated myself for letting our relationship grew to something like this, I hated myself for caring about him, and I hated myself because of the wrong choices I made in my life. But I didn't tell him anything about it because I knew he will take it as our problem, where in fact it was mine and mine alone.
But I think this is for the best. I wanted him to hate me, to blame me. It was better than him blaming himself. I wanted him to be happy with Sun-hee. I wanted him to be free from the likes of me.
A burden. A parasite.
I gave out a loud sob and clutched my chest. But why does it hurt so much then? If I was okay with everything?If I was ready to let go of him? I remembered everything from the first time we met until the last time we have spent the night together. I remembered how he was always there when I needed someone to lean on, how he always took care of me when I get sick, and when he would cook my favorite dishes. It was all fresh in my mind. But it will only remain there, a memory. A memory I can only revisit freely to remind myself that it's something that I don't deserve.
Deep inside, I wished I can freely say I love him too. But I can't. Because I don't. Loving and caring were two different emotions that test each other's limits within a fine line.
