when to let go | l.h.

twenty two

i don't want to believe that luke is upset with me because we've never fought before but, i'm not going to pretend i don't don't notice how short he has been with me lately. i know i probably hurt him but that was never my intention. i felt something with the kiss and that scares me because i don't know what it means. when luke kissed me, it was nothing like any kiss daniel and i had ever shared. something in the back of my mind was holding me back though. even with luke's lips pressed to mine, daniel still haunted my thoughts, the good and the bad. i didn't miss him and it took me awhile to figure that out; i missed the idea of us, i missed the imaginary man i made him out to be in my head but, i still couldn't help but feel like part of it was my fault for not being good enough. i can't be selfish though. i don't want to hurt luke, he was right. i need to figure out my emotions.

it's been a few days since the kiss and i've tried to just give him some space and let him cool down a little. i stood in the kitchen before work, making lunch for not only myself but also luke. he walked in without saying a word and i watched as he poured himself a cup of coffee before sitting at the table. i didn't want to bother him so i just put a sticky note on the lunch bag with his name on it and a little note to have a good day before placing it next to his car keys. i grabbed my own and walked out the door without a word.

i knew today was going to be a long day, just like the last few have. what makes it worse is that i can't even text luke to read his funny little messages that make the day go by faster. the only thing i was looking forward to was getting to talk to calum when we ate lunch together later. i began to busy myself with work seeing as i had a lot to do before i even considering lunch.

***

"cal what do i do?" i groaned after recapping what had occurred the other day.

after grumbling about how luke didn't tell him of our kiss himself he finally answered. "there's not much i can say laila, i see why luke's upset. it does sound like you were playing with his feelings."

i groaned burying my face in my hands. "but i'm not, i don't mean to. i'm just confused."

"have ever thought of talking to daniel?"

i snapped my attention back up to calum who sat with a serious expression. "i can't do that cal.."

"why not? obviously you need closure," he shrugged. "or you're still in love with him and in that case you'll know when you see him. either way, i think it'll help you sort out your feelings."

i stayed quiet for a little thinking about what he said as i ate my lunch.

"yeah... maybe you're right."

the rest of my shift went by quickly, which was shocking considering i had to stay late to finish up some paperwork for my boss. the drive home wasn't too bad either since the initial work rush had passed already.

when i walked inside i was greeted by a plate of food sitting on the counter with a note beside it.

laila, as a thank you for lunch xx

i smiled gently at the note. even when luke was upset with me he still managed to be one of the sweetest people i knew. i truly wasn't even expecting luke to acknowledge that i had made him lunch but, i was grateful anyway. i quickly sat down and ate the food in front of me before it got cold.

luke hadn't said anything since i came in but i knew he was still here because i saw his car in the lot. i quickly washed up the dishes before heading up to my room to change into something more comfortable. i took my time wiping off my make up and changing into a large t-shirt i'm pretty sure was luke's, along with a pair of leggings. i threw my hair up into a bun and sighed looking at my appearance before turning away. i went straight to luke's bedroom before i lost any bit of confidence i had.

"lu... luke," i coughed awkwardly knocking on the door and pushing it open. "can i talk to you?"

the blonde glanced over at me and i couldn't help but notice the fullness in his usually bright eyes. with a nod he moved over on his bed to make room for me. i slowly walked into his room and sat beside him playing with my fingers.

"thank you for making me dinner.." i mumbled after a few seconds, unsure of how to start the conversation.

i watched him mid from the corner of my eye. "thank you for making me lunch."

i mimicked him, nodding slowly as a silence took up the room again.

"um so I know you told me to forget this..." i started, glancing at the boy beside me. "but, i can't luke." i felt him tense beside me.

"i know you're hurt, you have every right to be upset with me but, i just want you to know i'm not purposely playing with your feelings. i know what that's like a-and i would never wish that on anyone."

"is there a point to this laila?" he mumbled.

i took a shaky breath. "i talked to calum today, to try and sort out my feelings..." i trailed off and see the boy sigh in annoyance. "h-he thinks i should talk to daniel, for closure."

"he what?" luke snapped. i winced at his tone. "you're telling me that in order to figure out if you have feelings for me you need to talk to your asshole ex boyfriend, who cheated on you might i remind you?"

"i know he didn't treat me right okay? but, four years is a long time and i was blindly in love with him. that doesn't just go away. you can't be mad at me because i got my heart broken..." my voice came out smaller than i intended while luke only scoffed.

"i don't know why you came in here to rub it in my face that you're going to run back to daniel."

"i'm not-"

"save it laila."

"no!" i snapped back. "when did you turn into such a jerk?" i mumbled standing from his bed.

"i'm sorry i fucking kissed you when i'm still confused about my feelings but, you can't be mad at me for not getting over him in a month. whether you like it or not, i need to talk to him." i sighed and rub my hands over my face frustratedly.

luke didn't say another word as he got up from the bed and headed past me to the door. "so you're just going to run away from me too?" i chuckled sadly and shook my head as i went to my room.

i laid down feeling the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. what am i doing wrong?

i laid there quietly in order to try and calm myself down before grabbing my phone and texting daniel.

daniel
can we talk? tomorrow at 6?

{author's note}
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