Beat | A Jenlisa Fan Fiction

Chapter 13

JENNIE'S POV

I stared at Lisa waiting for a response but it seemed like she was still processing what I told her. I studied her face, trying to guess how she felt about what I said, but she wasn't giving anything away. The longer she stayed silent, the more pessimistic I felt.

"Please say something. Anything."

"Jennie... I can't."

I was stunned at her response. Her voice was unwavering but her eyes showed something else. It took me a moment to decipher it, but I was sure I figured it out.

It was longing.

The moment I recognized the look, it morphed to something else. Her gaze hardened and a sense of conviction took over. "I do have feelings for you too but I can't. I don't know if I can go out with you right now. I'm not ready."

"Oh..." Though some part of me knew this might happen, those words coming from her mouth felt like a slap on the face.

"I can't start anything with you without fixing myself first. That would be unfair to you. It wouldn't be right for me to start something with you when I know I can't fully commit. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I led you on and I'm sorry I can't be with you right now."

Her explanation was clear but it seemed like my mind needed a moment to catch up. As soon as her words sunk in, it took all of me to choke down the tears welling up in my eyes.

"...Uhm, alright. I understand."

"Can we still be friends?" she asked hopefully.

I nodded and forced a smile. "Of course. Uhm, I'm gonna go. My parents would be home early today. See you on Monday, Lisa."

I grabbed my stuff quickly and left. The need to get out of there fast was overwhelming. I got to my car and drove. My vision was starting to blur as I tried to keep my tears at bay, but I didn't want to break down in the middle of driving. Once I parked my car and turned it off, I let my tears fall.

The possibility of her rejecting me had been lingering on my mind but I couldn't have imagined that it would feel like this. A stabbing pain in my chest consumed me. Her words echoed in my mind and the more they repeated, the more it seemed as if I was being mocked. I heard everything she said but I couldn't shake the thought that I might not be enough. This was the first time I've ever felt anything like what I felt for Lisa, and having her turn me down was an entirely new kind of heartbreak for me.

I got out of my car when the tears subsided. The sun had already set, so I went straight to my room and laid on my bed. Thoughts about what Lisa said to me ran through my head as I tried to figure out what it all meant for me. I told her I understood—and I did. I knew where she was coming from. I get that she didn't want to hurt me more in the long run. I respected the fact that she was honest with me and I meant it when I said I didn't want to lose her even just as a friend. However, none of these changed the fact that not being with her as a partner hurt me tremendously and made me feel inadequate.

I sent a quick text to Jisoo and Chaeyoung: She said no. I turned my phone off and put it under my pillow. After some time, I fell asleep exhausted from crying.

***

The incessant banging of the front door and the constant ringing of the doorbell jolted me awake. I rubbed my eyes to adjust to the sunlight. Reluctantly, I got up from bed and went downstairs to answer the door. I opened it without checking who it was and saw Jisoo and Chaeyoung standing in front of me. I walked back to my room leaving the door open behind me, sensing them on my trail. I plopped down on my bed and covered myself with my blanket. The bed dipped as they laid on each side of me.