The Millionaires Baby

9

CJ POV this chapter contains anxiety so if that makes you uncomfortable or is a trigger then you can skip.

finally after what felt like forever the day was over, it felt like it dragged on for hours. i was just glad to be home and sleep. it was a crazy day for me today.

i don't know why, but my anxiety was at an all time high all day. i think mostly cause the thought of getting a job, that stresses me out. then it doesn't help when you have everyone coming at you with questions about your brother and his fight.

i have been on the verdge of a panic attack all day. but i need to keep it together i can't let them see me like this. especially Cruz and Canyon, they will make a big deal out of it.

so the whole walk home i kept my headphones and in, and was digging my nails into my palms of my hands, i know it's bad but it helps me for some reason. even though i know i will regret it later when i see the blood in my hands.

when we arrived at the house i noticed moms car in the drive way, which is weird. she shouldn't be home till tomorrow.

"moms home that's weird" Canyon voiced my thoughts.

we went threw the front door and could smell food, which meant mom was cooking food for us.

"mom?" Cruz called out and started his trek into the kitchen.

"in the kitchen i made a snack if your hungry" she called out.

"hey you okay?" Canyon question with a raised brow.

"ya i am good, just tired long day" i tried to play it off.

i could tell by the look on his face that he didn't buy it. but much to my relief he nodded and followed Cruz into the kitchen. while i made the quick escape to my bed room. i needed to be alone, i threw my back pack on my bed. and stated to pase back and forth. i was trying to take deep breaths, but i could slowly feel the air escaping me. so i slowly sat down on the floor my back against my bed.

i was taking deep breaths but i couldn't catch any air. i was starting to hyperventilate. all while i could feel tears down my face. i pulled my knees up and barried my face between them still barely catching air.

"CJ honey?" mom called from the other side of my door, but i couldn't respond.

i heard a gasp, then felt her hands on my knees.

"CJ look at me." i heard her say and felt her pull my head out of my knees.

"honey listen to me. take some deep breath okay." she was rubbing my arms.

i tried to listen to her but it wasn't working.

"Tell me five things you can see in the room." she was trying to guide me.

i opened my mouth but nothing came out. "take your time, you can do it okay." she brushed the hair out of my face.

"tv" i barley got out.

"good now four more things" she encouraged.

"clock" it came out slightly better then before.

"mhm now three more" she spoke.

"dresser" my breathing was slowly easing up.

"okay two more." she was trying to force a smile.

"bed" i took a deep breath and actually caught air.

"good and the last one." she says.

"door" i got the last one out and finally felt like i could at least breath.

"alright now take a deb breath in threw the nose out threw the nose " she encouraged, and i did.

"good now do it again" she says.

so i did and i felt slightly better. once she saw that i was breathing better she moved from her knees in front of me to sit beside me. she grabbed her hand in mine and squeezed it. i moved so that i could lay my head on her shoulder.

"feel better?" she asked after a few moments of silence.

"mhm" i said with a slight nod.

"do you want to talk about what caused it?" she questioned hesitantly.

i took a deep breath, "i don't really know, i just felt really anxious all day" i was honest.

"okay and was anything different today then it was any other day?" she wondered.

"kinda" which wasn't a lie.

"okay like what?" she asked.

"well a bunch of people kept coming to me to ask about Colton. and then Tyson offered us all a job. and i just-" i could feel my self getting worked up again.

"okay take deep breath" she guided me agin.

"i just want to feel normal" i sighed.

"well you are normal, your normal in your own way. besides there is no definition of normal everyone is there own kind of normal, but just because you have anxiety doesn't make you any less of a person. so many people have anxiety, i even have anxiety. i get really nervous and hard to breath sometimes before a big case. but i have to just stop and take some deep breath." Mom addressed.

i didn't really know what to say, i just wish i didn't have this.

"how are your hands today" mom asked and pulled my hands up to look. she knows when i have a bad day i dig my fingernails into the palms of my hands.

she sighed, "i will be back with something to clean it okay" she tells me.

i nodded, she stood up and went to the bathroom. i looked at my palm and sure enough it was bleeding. not as bad as i thought though. you would think that it would hurt, but i am so used to doing this i don't feel any pain.

"alright lets clean this up" she came back moments later and sat down in front of me.

"i am sorry" i whispered as she cleaned my hand.

she looked at me with tears in her eyes. "you have nothing to be sorry for honey." she moved so that she could kiss my forehead.

"i was doing good i haven't had an attack for a couple of weeks. i thought i was doing okay." i looked down at the floor.

"do you want to start back up in see your counselor? that helped you before didn't it?" she questioned in a soft voice.

i thought about it for a second, she wasn't wrong. a few years ago when it was really bad, like having a attack almost everyday. i saw a therapist and it really helped me.

"i think that's a good idea" i agreed with her.

"alright i will call her tomorrow okay" she placed her hand on my cheek.

"thanks mom." i offered her my best smile.

"your welcome i love you so much you know that right" you couldn't see a trace a of a lie in her eyes.

"i know, i love you too" i placed my hand on top of hers.

"good now are you hungry? you want me to bring you something to eat?" she questioned.

i nodded my head, "alright i will be back okay."