Kahit Kunwari

31

I stood up and went out of the pool area. Maybe we can talk outside. I want this done. I don't want this kind of unsure feelings, I want to give myself a break.

It took him minutes before he went near me. He's holding a hoodie. Lumapit siya sa akin. Natatakot ako. Natatakot ako sa nararamdaman ko. Hindi pwede. Alam kong hindi ko pa kaya.

Marahan niyang sinuot sa akin yun. His eyes is on me, it's always been on me. He's....too much for me. I can't hurt him. Why do I always get in the same place?

Matapos niyang isuot sa akin yun ay sumandal lang kami sa sasakyan ko.
We looked up at the blanket of the stars, it's extending out to infinity.

He broke first the silence.

"I know I'm being too much. Am I?" Aniya sa malumanay na boses.

I didn't answer right away. Caleb doesn't deserve a half baked feelings. I'm still not over Ej. Hindi pa nga ba? Fvck I don't know.

"Ej...he's like a t-shirt that I can't wear anymore, but I can't just throw away. I hold a lot of memories of him. It's still painful, Caleb." Sumulyap ako sa kanya at nakitang nakatitig lang siya sa kawalan.

There was a dead silence. Can I hurt him? I know I'll hurt him more if I will accept everything from him without having the courage to give it back.

"Am I only built to fall?" Basag niya sa katahimikan sa pagitan naming dalawa. I felt an excruciating pain inside me. Why do I always hurt the people who only want to save and love me? I am fvcking complicated.

"I know, Grae. I know it's still him. But I still want to try. I don't want to have any regrets this time." He looked at me and his eyes mirrored his feelings.

"Let's just stay how we are back then." Baka may mabago pa Caleb. Ayokong saktan ka.

"What do you mean?" Taka niyang tanong.

"We're almost strangers before, Caleb." Hindi nakatakas ang sakit sa mga mata niya nang marinig iyon. I won't compete with the pain he's going through, but I am in pain too. In too much pain. God knows how I badly want to forget Ej and be happy for him with Denise. But whenever I think of him loving another girl, I can't avoid it. Thinking that I should be her. I should be the one in that place.

Our love way back then, wasn't wrong. It was never wrong. Loving him will never be a mistake. He used to be my anchor. It was too hard, but I can't control everything. He was never a mistake.

Maybe someday, I can look at them and smile without feeling any pain of the past but just pure happiness of the present. Ej deserved it, he deserved the happiness he has right now. Denise gave him the patience that I failed to give.

He woke up one day, that everything wasn't about me anymore. I know, someday, all these tears will run dry. My eyes won't cry again because of pain.

I almost lost my mom, I lost myself since that day. I lost Ej, I lost dad. I lost.... almost everything.

Napagod ako, napagod siya. I decided to let go of him and it wasn't easy. Nang gawin ko iyon, walang nakakaalam ng nararamdaman ko. They thought it was easy to just throw away the love I have for him.

I didn't throw it. I still have it. While, he no longer have it. He's now smiling. The smiles that nobody should take away.

Pwede naman ako sumugal noon, pero hindi ko ginawa. I wanted, but everything is just too much that time. My family is always my top priority. I hoped that maybe once we saw each other again, it could still be me. Kahit ilang beses ko narinig kay Ally na meron ng iba.