Kahit Kunwari

25

I don't know how long has it been, I am still trying to cope up in my everyday life. Walang Ej, walang good morning texts, goodnight calls, I love you's or I miss you. Heck, I'm barely living. The first days was horrible. I am waking up not feeling anything, just doing the things I need to do.

Binuksan ko ang gate matapos kong marinig na may kumatok. Mamaya pa ang pasok ko sa trabaho. Greianne is still in school. Hindi ko pa nasasabi sa kanila ni Mama na wala na kami ni Ej. I miss him, God! I miss him so much.

"We have to talk." Ani Ally na galit ang mga matang nakatingin sa akin matapos ko buksan ang gate. Kyrsten is beside her. She smiled sadly at me. I can't smile back. Nilakihan ko ang bukas ng gate at pinapasok sila. Si Mama ay kakabalik lang ng kwarto niya. She's always in her room. Bumuntong hininga ako bago ako sumunod sa kanila sa loob.

"Si Tita?" Si Kyrsten matapos umupo.

I pointed upstairs and she nodded. Umupo ako sa kaharap nilang sofa. I know Ally is mad. I don't know if I have the strength to explain everything today. Though it's been weeks, masyado pang sariwa ang lahat.

"Jayce looks like hell but he's trying to do good in his acads. Caleb and others are helping him to catch up." Si Ally.

Yes baby, you have to do good. Don't just waste every heartache we had and still have. He's strong, I know that. I may have failed him, but I know he won't do the same to me.

"Kailangan ba talaga ng break up, Grae? Kasi wala akong makitang rason para humingi ka ng break up!" Ally hissed.

What's the point of explaining? She must have concluded whatever's in her mind right now. Yumuko ako.

"Ally, Grae is hurting too. She has reasons. Everything must be too heavy for her. All we can do is to be with her." Kyrsten stood up and hugged me.

I started crying when she patted my back. I just need some rest, kaya ko pa naman. Konting panahon na lang, alam kong gagaling si Mama. Konti pa.

"Grae, naiintindihan ko. Nasasaktan din ako. Hanapin natin si Tito! Dad can do something!" Si Ally at lumapit na rin sa akin.

"Ang....sakit sakit. Pagod na pagod na ako. Yung lakas ko, kailangan kong pakawalan bago siya maubos nang dahil sa akin. Masama ba akong tao? May ginawa ba akong masama? Bakit ganito? Bakit kailangang ganito?" I heard their sobs.

"Si E-ej, miss na miss ko na. Pero kasi Ally, Kyrs, ubos na ako eh. Hindi kasi ganoon kadali na kapag gusto mo, makukuha mo. Hindi ko pa kaya. Yung p-pamilya ko, kailangan pa ako. Hindi pwedeng uunahin ko pa ang s-sarili ko." This fvcking pain just don't stop.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Hagulgol ni Ally sa balikat ko.

I still have Mama, Greianne, Ally and Kyrsten. There's still too many reasons to fight. This has its purpose.

"Si Caleb, he's doing everything he can to help Jayce. Ronnie's informing me. So you don't have to worry." Ally let go of the hug.

"Thank you." Yun lang ang nasabi ko.

"Finals na, we will visit again, okay? 'Wag mo masyado pagurin ang sarili mo. Gosh! We can actually support you, babayaran mo naman!" Si Ally nang ihatid ko sila sa labas.