HΣIШΔ

summer shit

i scoff at what the octopus wants us to do on our last day here. a test of courage? seriously? he couldn't have came up with anything better than this?

i narrow my eyes as he chuckles darkly, but then i'm pulled along with everyone else to wherever the fuck he had set this up. he decided to take us to some cave or whatever close to the water and at the bottom of some cliffs, but i honestly could care less. i'm still tired as all fuck and i'm not in the mood to deal with this shit.

besides, i've done too many things like this before just because izaya has tried to figure out what makes me tick. i haven't cracked in all the stupid stuff he's made me do, so i doubt this'll do anything at all.

"why can't i just go with rio?" i ask the octopus, who turns pink at my use of her name without honorifics. some of the others notice this, but i don't give a shit, so he just shakes his head.

"because i said so! boy-girl pairs only!"

"what if some of us are gay?"

"just do it, heiwajima-chan!"

cackling at the frustration i caused him, i only stop when i notice the evil look on his face. "what are you up to, you damn octopus?"

"oh, karma-kun!"

"for fucks sake!" i shout, throwing my hands in the air as the redhead struts over from his position next to nagisa, smirking at me the whole time like the smug bastard he is. "i guess we're partners for this, heiwajima-chan."

"i swear to god that if you make any comments, i will hang your intestines on my front door."

he has the good sense to look very unsettled by that, and those that heard my threat look at me in horror, but i just smile innocently before our turn is called to go into the cave.

at the octopus's whole spiel about a "cave drenched in blood" i was even more fed up, and we'd barely started yet. he tried to scare us a little further in, but while karma just snickers at his failed attempt, i keep walking forward.

"so you're afraid of not being afraid? that's a mood," i say, in response to him explaining his own fear after what nagisa had done last night. he just gives me a look, but then a contemplative one shines on his face.

"what about you? what're you afraid of, heiwajima?"

i pause in my steps, looking away from the boy as i think over telling him. but then i just sigh and shrug at the thought. i don't really care and i'm kind of dazed, so it doesn't matter.

"i'm afraid of being a failure. oh, and of being alone."

"huh? why?" he asks after a few seconds of silence, both of us still walking towards something, and i sigh again.

"i'm not smart. especially not as smart as you. i'm like my eldest brother in the sense that i think with my fists more with my head. i fight too often, and i've almost beaten people to death before, which is part of the reason my old school finally got sick of me and begged knugigaoka to take me."

he nods slowly, urging me to go on.

"i'm afraid of disappointing my brothers. i'm pretty much already a disappointment to my parents, since they technically skipped out on my childhood, but it's my brothers i care more about. both of them mean the world to me, and i'm scared of being a failure to them and them leaving me. sure, i have a few friends, but i'm paranoid in the sense that everyone will realize just how much of a shitty person i am and will leave me all alone. i realize how egotistical that must sound, but it's just how i am. sorry for ranting, asshole, i'm just too out of it to care who i spill my guts to right now."