(WARNING : Maybe some depresive thoughts and mentions of suicide)
Yoongi's point of view:
"Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? You don't look like someone who will marry someone this young" the question caught me off guard. Taking note of my sudden change in behaviour, the other interviewer clarifies.
"This question is just for the company to protect our staff and their relatives. The fans can get pretty wild for the workers here. It's okay if you don't have a girlfriend"
"It's also okay if you have a boyfriend. People at our company support all kinds of orientations" the third individual adds, the shock still not dissipated from my face.
"I would, would like to be excused for a moment, please" I speak up after some time, the words spoken by them not being registered in my head.
"Sure. The washroom's that way" he points "Take your time"
"Thank you" I enter the washroom, splashing some water to my face. Recollecting myself, I make my way back to the room.
"I do, I mean I do have a girlfriend. She's j-just, she's admitted to a hospital currently. She's not doing so well"
"Oh I'm sorry about that"
"Well, we've decided to keep you as an intern. Maybe shift you as a full time worker once we see your capabilities. Some of the lyrics that you've submitted makes us believe you can be a great writer under the guidance of your seniors. You don't mind that, do you?"
"No. No, not at all. Thank you for the opportunity. I will not let you down"
"That's all for today. Are you comfortable in starting work from tomorrow?"
"Yes sure"
"Oh great. All the best for your new job" he smiles at me as I get up to leave the room.
"Hey....hi Hobi" I call him as soon as I get out of the building, going towards my car.
"Hi hyung. How did it go? They like you?"
"Yeah....I'm starting work as an intern tomorrow"
"Intern?"
"Hmmm they said they wanted to see if I have the potential to work full time for them"
"Oh. That's alright"
"Yeah. I'll be at the hospital for the rest of the day if you want me"
"Hmmm...okay. Seo yeon might drop by sometime later. Should I ask her to bring food for you?"
"Yeah you can go talk with her"
"Huh hyung. What-what are you talking about?"
"Don't think I haven't seen the hearts in your eyes when you're talking to her. Everyone knows you like her. It's too obvious"
"Seriously, hyung?" Hoseok sounds done with the teasing.
"What?! I'm stating the facts here"
"Whatever just take care, okay?"
"I'm not a kid" I scoff, knowing that he just rolled his eyes at me on the other side of the phone.
"Hey, hyung. Before you go, is it really that obvious?"
"Yeah but don't worry. She is probably oblivious"
"Oh ok"
"Yeah bye now. I need to find a cab"
"Hmmmm bye"
I take a cab to the hospital, sitting with her, talking with her, more like talking to her, telling her about my day as I usually do. Seo yeon brings me my lunch at noon, sitting with me to keep me company.
After she goes, I bid my goodbyes to Erica for the day and take a cab to the cliff, my safe place. I realised that I've been going there a lot in the past month. I sit there for hours, talking to myself, pretending everything is okay. I feel lost at times like these. No one to talk to. Alone. Quiet. Peaceful. That used to be what I yearned to be. But she brought the colours into my dull life. She was a friend. I had never seen her as anything but a friend and Jimin's sister.
Then the day when she was laughing around in the park, I was just offering her the last sandwich with a smile on my face and that's when it clicked. I liked her as something more than a friend. I tried to ignore the feeling. It was new. I wanted to sit there for days and see the stars sparkling in her eyes whenever she spoke about something she liked. I had never felt anything like that, probably didn't deserve to. But then I started hanging out with her more often, couldn't stop myself anymore. Her laugh, her giggles, her smile, her pout, her frown they made my day a whole lot better.
Now I'm desperately trying to fill in a hole in my chest. I can't seem to feel anything even if I want to. The happiness, the sadness, the pain, the anger, the hatred, I can't feel anything. My life has almost become stagnant. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be doing a favour by giving up on life, if I'd just kill myself off. My friends' constant worry for me, Sung Jae's hate towards me, people's judgemental stares when I break down at any time of the day, the looks of pity showered at me, all gone. If I could just get the courage to pick up a knife and slash myself.
But then I realize the grief I would be bringing down on the people who love me, my friends. I want to move on, I really do but every time I try, all the memories come rushing back, her smiles, the mornings, the promises, the cries, the screams. It all comes back and it just becomes too much for me to handle.
I wonder how long it would take for someone to notice my act. I hope it isn't going to happen in the near future because then I won't know how I would justify myself. They have given me so much. They trust me to tell them anything that disturbs me but I don't want to be a burden to them anymore. I want to stand up on my own but I can't feel the floor beneath my hands.
I tried going for any kind of therapy to try and forget but I can't. I can't forget the cause of this mess. I can't forget her cries that rung out in my ear that night. I can't forget that she is in the hospital because of me. I can't forget that I'm waiting for her to get up. Jimin told me to look for another girl to date, to give up on her. He told me that he didn't want me to give up on my youth sitting by her bedside. But as days go by, I can't bring myself to care about anything. All I want is for her to get up. Maybe I'm acting selfish but I really can't live with the guilt anymore.
"I don't like to talk about my situation. Because I know if I talk, I'd cry" – Sahil Verma.
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A/N : Hello! Hope you like the update!
Do you think he would try to kill himself after all that overthinking?
Anyway, hope you are enjoying your day or that you have a good day ahead...thank you for reading
