Poe Dameron Imagines

I'm Not Ok

**trigger warning: attempted suicide and severe depression.

**lately my life has seemed very dark, and I tried to express that through this imagine. I tried to write this to the best of my ability, but it's hard to put into words how depression can make a person feel. For all you out there who deal with depression, please come to me, or to someone you feel comfortable with. I can't stand to lose one of your beautiful souls.

You couldn't get out of bed. You wanted to, but you just couldn't. The energy that you lacked prevented you from doing anything. There was only so many days that you could fake being sick to get out of work. You knew that the rebellion needed you.
But you couldn't find your strength.
It wasn't something that anyone did. Nothing happened. It was just your brain. You were so run down and tired. Everything around you lost it's purpose. You just didn't care anymore. The world had turned dull.
It had been 6 days. 6 long days of not getting out of bed. 6 days of not eating. 6 days of no human interaction. People were starting to get worried. But you didn't care. All you could think about was how you couldn't sleep, and how the world was going dark. You just wanted to go to bed and never get back up.
There had been knocks on your door, but you left no reply. You learned that if you stayed silent, they would leave you alone. You didn't want help. You just wanted it all to end. The thoughts inside your head. The painful headaches. Your aching heart.
You were in the bathroom when Poe had found you. You had somehow mustered enough strength to crawl out of bed and into the bathtub. You cried as you took out the razor blades. You had sat there for hours, contemplating if this was the right decision. But right when you decided that it was, Poe walked in.
He saw your ratted hair and your week old clothes. He saw the bags under your eyes and the tears dripping down your face. He saw the razor blades in your fingers. He stooped down beside you and swatted them out of your hands.
"What are you doing?" He practically yelled. You covered your ears and cried.
Poe didn't mean to sound angry, but he panicked. The thought of losing you scared him to death. He crawled into the tub and held you tightly to his chest. You cried loudly as he cradled you.
"I wanna die Poe. I wanna die." You whimpered. "Let me die. I can't take it."
"I don't want you to die y/n. I can't let you die." He squeezed you tightly, as if he feared that you would float away if he didn't hold on.
"It hurts." You were shaking violently.
"Why didn't you tell me y/n? I could've helped you."
"I don't know." You cried out again. Every time you took a breath more pain entered your chest.
Poe carried you to bed. He held you in his arms all night, but you still didn't fall asleep.
7 days.
Poe watched as the life left your eyes. It broke his heart to see you so broken. He wished he'd known what was happening inside your pretty little head.
And he tried to make things better for you.
God, he tried so hard.
He took your limp body and stripped it of its clothes. He helped you into the bath tub where and scrubbed you clean, making sure to be gentle though. He fed you by a spoon, making sure that you ate every bite.
And you loved him for it.
You wanted to tell him so bad that you were thankful for him. You loved him for taking care of you. But your mind had shut off. You were screaming at yourself from the inside, but your face showed no emotion. It was like your body had stopped working. Like it had given up.
It was the 9th day that you finally had gotten some sleep. It was only for a few hours, but it was a much needed few hours. Poe was still right beside you when you woke up.
"Hey sweetheart." He held you close. You didn't reply.
"How'd you sleep?" You wanted to say something so bad. But your mouth wouldn't open, even though your brain was yelling at it to. Poe sighed and closed his eyes, trying to hold himself together. It had been a long few days for him.
But you had been having even longer days than him so he had to keep himself together, for your sake. Poe helped you sit up and he began to help you change out of your clothes. But by some will of god, you had managed to gather enough strength to stop him with your hand.
Your shaking hand traced up his arm, and over his chest, where it finally rested at the base of his neck. You let yourself fall into his chest. His chest heaved as he silently cried and held you tightly. It was as if the pain that you were feeling had somehow made it's way to him.
You felt so bad.
You had to find the strength. You couldn't let him suffer. He had done so much for you. You loved him so much. And he was making you better.
You just had to show him.
"I'm sorry y/n. I should've been here." He cried. "If I wasn't always going on missions and doing so much work, I could've been here."
You slowly lifted your head. His beautiful brown eyes stared down at you.
"I know that you're hurting, and I wish that you weren't. Please don't leave me y/n." He begged you. You pulled him into a hug and rested your chin on his shoulder. Air filled your lungs, and suddenly it was as if you had broken free from the prison that was your mind.
"I slept good Poe." You whispered out. He sobbed out and held you tightly.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he repeated over and over again.
"I love you Poe."
"I love you so much y/n." He sniffed and rocked your bodies back and forth soothingly.
"I'm not ok Poe. My brain doesn't work right. I'm filled with dullness, and I'm still hurting. I just need to you stay." It took so much out of you to say that.
"I'll stay forever, if that's what it takes. It's you and me, until the end." He told you. You repeated his words.
"Until the end."