blush [ moonbae ]

twelve

One thing was for sure:
Kevin had never been on this side of Google before.

It was rather late, and Kevin sat alone in his room as usual. He was on his bed this time, laying on his side as he scrolled through page after page of articles on the internet.

With every click he found himself to be more and more stressed. Every answer to the questions he'd googled told him exactly what he didn't want to hear.

As night fell, it left him haunted with his thoughts as usual. It was starting to piss him off, so he'd opened up his web browser and typed a number of searches, trying to come to terms with what exactly was happening to him.

"Five physical signs you're in l... Jesus christ," Kevin mumbled to himself as he read off yet another article title, wincing and scrolling past.

He paused, feeling a sort of weird guilt overtake him. Okay, maybe reading it wouldn't hurt. Just out of curiosity.

He swiped back up, clicking on the article in question and waiting as it loaded.
The website's headline greeted him, making Kevin sigh to himself. Again, he couldn't believe he was doing this.

Number one: You feel excited and relaxed at the same time. They somehow make you nervous but also comfortable.

Number two: You can't seem to talk normally. It feels like you speak without rational thought.

Hell nah, he was out. Kevin laid his phone face down on the mattress, staring out into the dark room that laid before him.

There was no way. Not even a single percent of a chance that the article was talking about what he was going through.

He laid silently for a second. Taking a breath, he picked his phone back up, continuing to scroll. It would only be wrong to not finish the article, right?

Number three: You want to touch them all the time, whether you're alone or with people.

Kevin shut his phone off.

No, was all he thought to himself. He was straight. It literally was impossible.

He took one of his pillows and brought it down to himself, hugging it tightly. Couldn't he just not think for once? Just... fall asleep and not worry about it?

Lord. He was attracted to Jacob Bae. In a totally non-heterosexual way.

Kevin whined into his pillow, squeezing it so tight that he would probably suffocate it, had it been alive.

He had no idea what to make of himself. A straight guy crushing on a boy? What a joke.

Kevin took a moment to calm himself, rethinking over his options. One last time he thought over the possibilities of only being touch starved, or even just loneliness.

Both ideas seemed to mock him, and Kevin shied away from them. How stupid did he have to be to even consider those?

He buried his face in the pillow, feeling like a complete and utter dumbass.
The butterfly feelings he'd had towards girlfriends in the past were there once again with Jacob, familiar as ever. But he was male, and Kevin had ignored it.

He opened up Google once more, anxiously typing in the search bar. Couldn't he at least figure out if this was normal?

Thousands of threads and articles titled something along the lines of "I'm straight, but there's this one guy..." stared back at him, their numbers comforting. He clicked on a few, briefly reading over their contents.

Okay, so, maybe it wasn't that bad. Even though the thought of his situation made Kevin so nervous he felt sick, at least he knew there were hundreds of others just like him.