delicate | ethma

26

Ethan

Somehow the next few months felt like the longest months in my life, yet time seemed to pass by so quickly.

You know how it's September, and then Christmas is like two weeks later?

That's how I felt.

The holiday season came and went, and I turned 27. Stormy had a growth spurt until she was the size of a full grown Labrador. She still thought she was small enough to lay in my lap, but I didn't mind. She was still a puppy to me.

I spent a lot of time writing music. In fact, it seemed to be the only thing I was ever doing.

The guys and I were doing a lot of local gigs, but nothing too crazy. We had small shows in LA once or twice every month or so.

Two of our recent songs reached the charts on Spotify and Apple Music, so our band was starting to get even more publicity from that.

I was still keeping myself busy, so I'd stop thinking about Emma all the damn time.

Emma and I still hung out every once in a while, mostly while I was helping her with photography stuff, but we still managed to have fun while doing the work.

The dynamic of our friendship was always consistent, and that was something I was forever grateful for. We could go to each other for anything, and we both would be there for each other in a heart beat if something was wrong.

If I'm being honest, I got a little bit emotional after I got off stage after a show one night, and Emma picked up on it immediately. She put her hands on my arms, and with a concerned look in her eyes she asked if I was okay.

The only problem was that I couldn't tell her the reason why I wasn't. On the verge of the tears I was trying so hard to hold back, I told her I was okay. She knew I was lying and instantly threw her arms around me, giving me a hug that I've needed for a while now. I breathed her in, feeling like I could hold it together, and Emma told me everything was going to be okay.

I still didn't tell her what was wrong, but she made it known that she was there for me. I'll never forget that moment.

Somehow I felt better, but also worse at the same time. Knowing I was so in love with her, but I couldn't do anything about it.

At the end of the day, I just cared that she stayed in my life. But I knew we cared about each other too much to not be in each other's lives. That was just the truth. I think we both knew we needed each other in some way or another.

Olivia was kind of my go-to because she was the only one that knew about my still-existing feelings for Emma, and I could trust her to not say anything about it. Olivia was a great friend to have.

I could tell that Emma knew there was something I wasn't telling her, but I was grateful that she didn't pry. I think she knew that I'd tell her if I wanted to.

I'm not saying I didn't want to, but I was trying to do the right thing by keeping it to myself.

It's not exactly the most polite thing in the world to tell an engaged woman that you're in love with her.

It wasn't only that. I truly did want her to be happy with Daniel. He was a great guy, and they made each other happy.

Once in a while there were still moments that gave me the hope I shouldn't have had. Stolen glances, laughing at each other's jokes, and accidentally finishing each other's sentences sometimes made me feel like there was still something there. Maybe those things are best friend things, or maybe it was something more and it wasn't just me. It was Emma too.

I actually started working on a solo album, just because of how much music I was writing. I still remember sitting on my couch with my guitar, and Emma sitting on the floor of my living room with Stormy as I sat there and just played around with the six strings.

Days like those where we didn't even need to be paying attention to each other to enjoy the time we spent in each other's presence gave me a glimpse of the life I've been wanting since I met her.

She was editing pictures and playing fetch with Stormy, and I was fiddling with my guitar. Other than the music flowing from the strings, we sat there in a comfortable silence. Emma was someone that silence was never awkward with. There was no obligation to fill the silence. We talked when we needed or wanted to, and we were quiet when we wanted to be.

Forced conversations were always the bane of my existence, but conversations were never like that with Emma. They were just natural.

Sometimes we'd talk for hours on end, or sometimes we'd sit in silence for hours on end (well, besides my guitar).

It started to become a frequent thing that Emma would come over while she edited pictures, and I would play my guitar and write music while she sat there.

I was grateful that Daniel was someone who understood that Emma and I were best friends. He never was jealous, and he trusted her enough that it was normal for her and I to still hang out together.

In fact, Stormy got so used to hearing Emma's car that she started to recognize it whenever Emma came over. Emma's car was one of the only ones that Stormy didn't bark at besides mine.

Something about Emma being in the room with me while I wrote music made me feel at peace.

At that point I wasn't even trying to mend my broken heart anymore. I was just trying to learn how to live with it.