delicate | ethma

31

Emma

"God, I missed you so much," Daniel said, getting into the passenger seat as I picked him up from the airport.

I smiled as he took my hand and kissed it three times.

"I missed you too, babe."

"Awe you look so pretty today," he said as I started driving. He leaned over the console and kissed me on the cheek. "I'm so happy to be back."

"Can we have a lazy day today, babe?" I asked.

"Of course. I love lazy days with you."

"We have to stop by my studio first though. I left a couple things that I need there."

"Okay."

-

Daniel pressed his nose into my neck as he gave me a hug, both of us breathing each other in.

"You smell good, babe," he said, kissing my hair.

"New shampoo. It's supposed to make my hair softer."

"I like it," Daniel said, lifting me up. I wrapped my legs around him, kissing him on the cheek as he carried me to the living room. "Let's watch The Bachelor."

I smiled, sitting up on the couch after he set me down on it. "You actually wanna watch The Bachelor with me?"

"Of course. It makes you happy, and I get extra cuddles."

I basically tackled him, so he was laying down, and then I gave him two pecks on the lips. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, baby. I'm so glad to be home."

He tightened his arms around my waist, and I laid my head on his chest as we turned the television on.

Days like these made me happy, but they also made me feel confused.

I loved Daniel. I did. And I was always so happy with him.

The issue was that I felt the same way about Ethan.

Whenever I hung out with Ethan, I found myself only rarely thinking about Daniel. It was the opposite when I hung out with Daniel.

When I was alone, my mind couldn't be more torn between them.

Daniel was like my safety net. I knew he was always someone I could fall back on. Staying with him was the easier thing to do. I loved him, and he loved me.

Isn't that all we should need?

Ethan was the more adventurous route. If I were to be with him, it would be more difficult in the beginning. I'd have to break off my engagement; something safe, just to take a huge risk. What if I broke up with Daniel, and Ethan and I didn't work out?

Isn't it just easier to stay with Daniel and have to wonder about the other path I could've taken?

The risks were dangerous, but isn't that what makes it special? If you can make it through those, you make it through anything.

There was just some part of me that really thought we could make it if we tried. It would be really hard, but if we loved each other enough, couldn't we make it?

I didn't want to break Daniel's heart. That was the hardest part. Yet, I felt like I was already breaking Ethan's.

I couldn't figure out if I was happy with Daniel, or if I was content.

What if this all ended, and then I felt that way about Ethan? Was there a high expectation that wouldn't be met? Was I wishing for something that wouldn't be as great as I dreamed it to be?

I loved both of them. Either way I was gonna hurt one of them, and my heart was going to break for him. I didn't know what to do.

Five months before the wedding, and I didn't even know if it would end up happening.

Daniel was safe. Everything would be easy with him.

I decided not to make any rash decisions. Every bride freaks out at some point, right?

Daniel and Ethan couldn't be more different from each other, yet I felt like I loved them both the same. I knew if I stayed with Daniel, I wouldn't lose Ethan.

But I knew that I would lose Daniel if I went with Ethan.

That was the scariest part.

I started cuddling him extra close, kissing him extra lovingly, and cherishing every moment with him. Maybe this would help me figure things out. Maybe this would help me fall deeper in love.

At the same time, maybe this would help me let go of him if I was going to choose Ethan.

Nothing was making sense to me. All the while I'd spend hours in Ethan's living room editing pictures while listening to him play his guitar.

Lately he had been getting so into the music, that I couldn't help but just watch. He'd close his eyes, hang his head down, and just let the music flow from the strings of his guitar.

It was like he wasn't even on Earth while he played. He was so at peace, so relaxed. It was like he was in his own personal realm of existence, and I got to witness that. It was one of the most beautiful moments I've ever witnessed.

Something so beautiful you can't even capture it. You just have to bask in the glory of the moment. The beauty of it can only be seen with the naked eye, and not through a lens.

Watching Ethan become one with the music was like watching a sunset. It was like seeing a million different emotions at once. It was like watching out the window as your family drives through the town you're vacationing in. Watching Ethan wasn't a vision. It was a feeling.

The kind of feeling that made me wonder what it would be like to sit in the living room together like that for the rest of our lives.

The kind of feeling that made me wonder if I can go through with my wedding.

The kind of feeling that made me realize that this choice is only ever going to get more difficult.

I still don't know how the hell I'm supposed to make this choice alone.