delicate | ethma

28

Ethan

"What the hell was that?" Olivia said, walking into my dressing room and shutting the door.

"Knock much?"

"No. You answer me, Ethan. That wasn't a concert. That was you trying to say something. That was two hours of me having to watch Emma's heart break all over again."

I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I just stared at the floor.

"Olivia—"

"Ethan, there's something going on and you need to say it. Right now. It doesn't leave this room, but I know you need to let it out.

And finally, I broke down.

"Emma is the love of my life, Olivia. She is. There's no one else I've ever wanted to be with more than I want to be with Emma. Before I met Emma, I didn't know what love even meant. I didn't know how it felt. I had no fucking clue. And then, the second I saw her in Toronto—I, I couldn't even believe she was real, and I just knew. I knew. I fell for her so hard, and so fast, and I should've just fucking told her the first time I knew. Have you noticed that I haven't dated anyone since I met her? I can't even think about dating another girl. Because I already know Emma is better for me than anyone else ever could be," I said, taking a pause. Olivia was silent, knowing I had a lot more to say. "There's no one else I could ever feel this way about. I'm so fucking in love with her, Olivia. I've loved her this whole damn time. She's the only one I've ever felt this way about. She's the only person I know how to feel this way about. I didn't know what love was until I met her, and now she's gonna marry someone who isn't me. That's not even the worst part! He's so good for her, and I'm afraid he's better for her than I ever could be. Emma is the love of my life, and it's my fault that I'm not the one who got to put a ring on her finger."

"Ethan-"

"Olivia, you can't say anything. I will deny it every single time. She deserves to be happy, and if that means I can't be with her, then so be it."

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Olivia asked, sitting down on the chair. "Listen. Your feelings matter too, and we've all seen how down you've been lately. I think you need to tell her for your well-being. I know you want her to be happy, but don't you think she deserves to know the truth? Don't you think you owe it to yourself? Even if nothing changes, at least she'll know, and you can find peace because you won't have to hold it in anymore."

"Liv-"

"E, it's okay. If you just tell her, she'll understand. Do you really wanna go the rest of your life wondering what would've happened if you said something?"

 "I don't know. I'll think about it," I told Olivia before I walked out of the dressing room. I didn't go to the after party that night. I just went home.

I have to admit that I kind of knew what I was doing when I created the setlist for the show. But, I needed to. That was the only way I felt like I was allowed to express how I felt. I didn't realize how much of an idiot I was being until Olivia came to talk to me after the show.

I couldn't sleep that night for a number of reasons. 

First of all, I was anxious as hell. I felt like Emma was either gonna be really angry with me, or it was simply going to be awkward for a little while. Second of all, I was just worried about Emma.

I was worried that I brought back unfinished business that was too late to resolve. I was worried that Emma knew how heartbroken I was, and I was worried that she was breaking her own heart thinking about it. I almost didn't want to know.

I wondered if she was still awake. It's not like anything would happen if she was, but I wondered.

I couldn't stop thinking about what Olivia said. What if she's right? Maybe Emma did deserve to know everything. Maybe I deserved to finally pour my feelings out, so I didn't have to bottle them up anymore. 

As I laid there awake, Stormy scared the fuck out of me when she jumped up onto my bed. I didn't even realize that she had snuck into my room before I shut the door.

I didn't mind though. It was nice to have some sort of company. 

She laid down next to me, and rested her head on my stomach as I started to pet her. "Hey, Stormy," I said. Her little puppy eyes looked up at me, and her tail thumped against the covers. "Did you have a long night too? I had a long night," I told her. "God, Storm, I'm getting old. 28. That's crazy. I've known Emma for almost seven years now. I've been a part of the band for almost ten years now. Time goes by so fast, doesn't it?"

Stormy let out a little huff as if she could understand a word of what I just said. I carried on.

"What do you think, Storm-storm? Should I tell her how I feel?" Stormy wagged her tail, but I knew it was just because I was talking to her. It had nothing to do with anything I was actually saying.

I laid awake pretty much the whole night, feeling the tiniest bit better just because Olivia let me vent about everything I've been trying so hard to keep to myself. I needed that. I was thankful that Olivia made me spill about my feelings.

I had no idea if I was going to tell Emma or not. Either way it'd change my life somehow. If I didn't tell her, I'd watch her marry someone else. I knew that telling her would be a huge risk.

What if she didn't feel the same? What if I still had to watch her marry another man? What if she did feel the same? Where do we go from there? What if she felt the same, but married him anyway? 

I had so many questions, and the scariest part was that I didn't know if I actually wanted the answers or not.