delicate | ethma

27

Emma

The year went by in a flash, and all the sudden Daniel and I were celebrating our two year mark of being together.

And our almost one year of being engaged.

We were still doing great. Work was going great, The Reckless was still doing great, and our friends were all doing good.

It was the time between now and the wedding that certain things were started to shift, and it all started at the first concert of the year.

I didn't put two and two together when Ethan told me I had this concert off, and he just wanted me to relax and watch the show.

In fact, I had no idea what was going to happen. Daniel, Olivia and I had front row spots, and it felt strange for me not to be taking pictures. Somehow that night is the easiest to remember than any picture I've ever taken.

If you remember, The Reckless started to become famous from their covers of songs that they'd change to make into their own.

Tonight was all cover songs.

I didn't get a chance to look at the set list for the show, but I knew it was cover night.

Things started out easy with a classic Fleetwood Mac song called Silver Springs, then a couple of random breakup songs. As the concert went on, I realized there seemed to be a theme.

All of the songs were about loving someone.

And from the first note of the eighth song (which I didn't realize I had been counting), I knew he was singing all of it about me.

For the rest of the first half of the concert, I felt frozen. I couldn't bring my eyes away from Ethan. Even with the thousands of people in the audience, it felt like it was just us two sitting in his living room while he played his guitar and sang.

Songs such as Taylor Swift's All Too Well, or Bob Dylan's Make You Feel My Love, made me realize that Ethan's heart was broken because of me. That girl he wanted to be with; to settle down with was me.

I did this to him.

The realization hit me, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. My heart felt like it was where my stomach was supposed to be, and I felt so sad; I felt so angry at myself, yet heartbroken for Ethan that the whole world seemed like nothing was right.

It was during the second half of the concert that I couldn't take it anymore. Drops of Jupiter by Train made me feel sad enough, and then two songs later I was hit with Cherry by Harry Styles.

Teardrops On My Guitar hurt pretty bad because it made me remember the night that Ethan wouldn't tell me what was wrong. He fucking told me he was okay when he had tears in his eyes.

I had never seen Ethan cry before, and that hurt my heart to see him hurting like that.

The One That Got Away was what tore my heart to shreds, and I told Daniel we needed to go home because I wasn't feeling well.

I didn't even have to ask for him to know that I needed to be alone.

I immediately got into the hot shower when we got home, and I finally lost it. I was trying so hard not to lose it in front of Daniel, because he  would've known something was going on.

It wasn't just a normal crying session. It was me grieving what I had with Ethan, it was me grieving all that could've been but wasn't, and it was me crying because it was my fault that Ethan wasn't okay.

I broke his heart, and now my heart was breaking more than it ever had for anyone.

The boy that broke my heart in high school was nothing compared to Ethan. Brooks was nothing compared to Ethan.

Ethan was the person I wanted to call when something good happened during my day. He was the one I wanted to go to when something was wrong.

But when I was crying in the shower that night, I felt like the world was simply upside down. I hurt Ethan, and I hurt myself by doing that to him. To my best friend.

The guitar player in Toronto at the club Olivia dragged me to all those years ago.

The man that changed my life.

He's the one that fucking started my career! He's done so much for me, and we've been through so much together.

I felt like I was gonna be in that shower forever, crying and aching over the fact that I hurt Ethan. Crying and aching over the fact that all hope was lost for us.

It took me an hour and a half to pull myself together, and I didn't even get dressed after I got out of the shower.

I just put on a robe and brushed my hair.

I climbed into my warm bed, and I fell asleep as soon as my head was against the pillow.

In the span of three and a half hours, my world felt like it crumbled, and the damage was so emotionally draining that I needed all of the recharging that I could get.

Ethan left a handprint on my heart, and he changed my soul for the better.

It's hard to pretend to love someone, but it's even harder to pretend not to.

That's when I knew I was still in love with Ethan. I had been denying myself about it, but that's when I finally broke and admitted it to myself.

I didn't know what I was going to do. I did still love Daniel. A lot. I just loved Ethan too.

I decided not to make any rash decisions while I was upset, but I knew that the day I would have to make a decision was eventually coming.

I had two men in my life that I loved with all my heart.

I didn't know how the hell I was supposed to choose one.

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A/N: I made a Spotify playlist of the songs Ethan sings for Emma at this concert.