Roman Sanders One-shots

Intrusive Thoughts

TW: thoughts of self-harm, thoughts of gore, thoughts of suicide/relating to suicide descriptions of gore, a bunch of other Intrusive Thoughts

Sorry for the content drought. Sorry, this is a bit vent-y, but this is the content I've decided to write.

I think I might be developing a slight self-harm trigger, so I might avoid the topic for a while.

Roman wasn't one to be labelled as the kid with intrusive thoughts, and generally, he wasn't. His brother was the one with the actual condition while Roman was, well, Roman. 

Roman was the happy and dramatic theatre kid who was a bit obnoxious when you first meet him but turns out to be a total sweetheart.

But what worried his friends was the days he was distracted and nervous. When he grabbed his wrists and rubbed them even though there was nothing there.

When they asked, he stopped immediately and brushed it off. They weren't sure how to convince him to tell them.

Roman didn't have the illness intrusive thoughts, but rather some thoughts of it.

Somedays his mind would ask horrid questions and urge him to do things to himself he wasn't fine or comfortable.

He knows self-harm is bad.

 But his wrists feel weird. 

Odd.

They want the cold sharp metal of a blade but he resists. 

He opts to rub them but it has no effect.

He's tried running them under cold and hot water.

Sometimes he wondered what happened if he jumped from a tall building.

Would his bone shatter on impact and stick out? ]

Would blood pool out of him?

Would he suffer for a long time? 

Or would he die as soon as he hit the ground?

How would the rush of air feel against his body?

How long would it take for him to fall?

Horrible, horrible thoughts flooded his mind.

What if he cut his arm off? He though one day but shook it off, terrified when it kept coming back.

he just wanted them out.

He tried acknowledging them, and they'd go before reappearing a bit worse than before.

His parents only knew because he had a breakdown in front of his father when they got almost unbearable.

He didn't think Remus knew. 

Not from what he's seen.

He rejected the idea of seeing a psychologist or therapist.

Thinking of therapy made him feel as though he was traumatized instead of just having disturbing thoughts.

He also didn't want his parents to worry about money. They were already sending him and Remus to private schools and that sucked up enough money, especially when you count living expenses of food and paying bills on time.

And because of this, he felt alone.

Scared.

Broken.

Crazy.

He rejected them in any way he could.

He felt weak when he cried.

It was just in his head and he didn't want the pitying reactions he got when he told some friends. 

It made him feel like a baby.

Immature.

Attention-seeking.

So he hid.

He buried them on pretended they didn't exist.

He knew it would just make it worse but he was desperate.

Some things felt better unsaid.

He didn't need help.

This was his battle to fight, and he didn't need others to help him out of pity.

Because it was pathetic.

He was pathetic.

He knows he should ask for help.

But his parents would just blame it on his distractions like writing and his phone.

Call it an addiction to it, but he needed something distracting so he wouldn't do it.

Sometimes he wished he could just vent away all the emotions he's squashed into a bottle into art so the bottle would end up exploding and shattering.

But he wasn't sure how to stop the sharp glass fragments to explode in his chest and make him have another breakdown.

Because nothing worked.

He didn't know any healthy coping systems he enjoyed that could or would help him.

He needed help.

But he was also scared to receive it.

Because of the pity.

Because of the money wasted on him that could be used better on more important things.

He knows this isn't healthy.

But all he can hope is that when he's older and if he still has them, he'd gather up enough money to get help when he can get a part-time job or something.

He hopes there's a way to get rid of them.

And all he can do right now is wait for some opportunity to get his brain fixed.

Because he doesn't want to suffer.

Not at all.

As you can see here, I mixed in my personal problems with other things that could or would make sense in a human AU.

 For e.g. Remus himself having Intrusive thoughts and Roman being a theatre kid.

Thank you guys for sticking with me when I was struggling and when I am struggling.