1.2 The Chronicles of Us - Rewound & Retold

Chapter twenty-nine

Time for some reassessment.

After buying a hot dog and smearing a generous amount of mustard—no ketchup—on it, I sit down underneath the statue of some historical figure. I could check the bronze sign next to me, but I couldn't care less. I've been postponing this moment for two days and it has been nagging me the whole time.

I sigh, take a bite and stare at the blades of grass that grow between the cobblestones. It's not an interesting sight but a perfect excuse to keep my mind otherwise occupied a little longer.

Stop stalling.

All right—fuck.

Okay, I like a girl. This girl lives in my apartment. Crazy but true. Crazier so, I don't mind it at all. I like her presence, her silly trivia and her giggle-laughs. My life has never felt so warm.

Staying on the topic of crazy stuff, this weird-as-fuck-and-outta-this-world-gorgeous girl loves me. I really don't get it, but she does. What are the odds that a girl like her would love a guy like me? Madness, perhaps.

She's brave too. I mean, she confronted my snarky ass with her feelings. There was a fifty-fifty chance things would've gone differently that day. I'm not a sociable guy and I hardly ever react the right way. Now that I think about it, I definitely didn't react the right way.

Anyway, she came with me and I love it. Question is, do I love her?

The damn butterflies give me a mental bitch-slap. Yeah, of course, I fucking love her. Yesterday, I smiled at the sun for no reason but noticing the yellow fucker. I even stalled at some flower store and wondered if she prefers orchids over roses. Insanity, is what it is.

How the hell did this even happen? I know her for what? A month? I never thought it would be possible to fall so quickly for someone. She brought me to my knees, though. All it took was a pretty smile.

Yes, I love her.

It's the most fucked-up thing I've ever felt. It's worse than the depression. That darkness is what it is, a shitty feeling. It doesn't try to be anything but that.

Love, though, is the great pretender. Chemicals are rushing through my body, making me feel like I've got marshmallows in my head. It's all sweet and fantastic.

For now.

Once the chemicals wear off and the dopamine levels go back to normal, what's left? No, love is the end disguised as the beginning. And yet, I can't fight it. I can't follow my own reasoning because—fuck—I'm head over heels in love.

I always thought it would feel more ... toxic. But it's more like a bug-infested heap of potpourri has been stuffed down the entirety of my chest cavity. That doesn't make any fucking sense and it sure as hell doesn't makes sense how fucking good it feels.

I'm so happy it hurts. It must a premonition of the pain I'll have to endure at some point. Does it even matter that I love her? It doesn't promise a positive ending. What if her feelings fade? Or mine? 

Thanks brain.

I throw the end piece of my bun at some birds and then smile. Fuck. All these dopey smiles are straining my jaw. I suppose, it's better than having a sore mouth after a night of teeth-grinding drugs. 

Ellie will be ecstatic when I tell her how I feel. She'll jump in my arms and show me her grandest smile. She might even cry or something. It will definitely award me a night of fantastic fucking.

It won't happen, though, because I'm not gonna tell her. Not yet. I have to find way to get a grip on my torturous mind. I'm still not ready for any big future-steps. I won't burden her with my love before I'm convinced I'm good enough for her. Not before I can actually offer her what she deserves.