1.2 The Chronicles of Us - Rewound & Retold

Chapter thirty-nine

I'm nervous as fuck.

I should've blurted it out during one of those tender moments in the dark. It would've been perfect. My dumb face would've been hidden. Or perhaps last night while we were brushing our teeth together. A mumbled admission would've fitted my awkward character. But no, I convinced myself I needed to make some grand gesture like she did that day at the airport.

The whole thing is stupid. Me saying those three words won't change a goddamn thing. Our endgame is not the same, but maybe she'll stay with me a little longer. Maybe—just fucking maybe—this is enough for her.

After chain-locking our helmets to my parked bike, I turn to Ellie. She's wearing jeans so tight, they could stop a man's heart. Fortunately, mine only skips a beat. I'm nowhere near done with her and I'm pretty sure I never will.

I slip my arms around her waist and hold her against me, a form of body language I learned to speak quickly. "You're in a good mood."

"I'm just excited." She smiles widely and tucks a loose strain behind her ear. It's the sweetest fucking thing. "What are we going to do?"

Fuck.

I don't wanna get her hopes up. It's probably best to play it somewhat cool. "Nothing special. I made a lunch reservation at the Hard Rock Cafe. I thought we could walk along The Walk of Fame before that. You mentioned once that you've never been there so ... yeah." Jesus. Saying It out loud makes me cringe real bad. "If you think it's dumb we can do something el—"

She cuts me off by grabbing my face and slamming her lips on mine. Her entire face is lit up as if I offered her a trip to Hawaii instead of some uninspired date. "It's perfect."

Perfect?

Perhaps, I did do something right.

Smirking proudly, I take her hand and lead her toward Hollywood Boulevard. I don't really see the appeal of the abundance of tourists and tacky shops but my girl is all smiles, so I don't mind it too much. 

She points at the long line of reddish stars. "I never knew there were so many of them."

I shrug once. "Makes you wonder what the big deal is."

Her eyes roll a little before she beams again. "Tell me about them."

I look down at the star under my feet. "My father was a big Jimi Hendrix fan. The first time I heard his music, I knew I wanted to play the guitar."

Her big forest eyes urge me to continue. "Tell me more. I love to hear you talk about music."

Fuck.

I don't have anything interesting to mention. Although, I do know a lot about music. I try not to weigh my thoughts and just tell her every piece of information that comes up. It seems to work. Ellie soaks up my words like a sponge.

" ... And that's why they call it 'the day the music died'. Anyway, all this talking is making me hungry. Are you ready to eat?"

She blinks three times and then chuckles. "Sorry, I didn't catch that last part."

Weirdo.

I chuckle too. "I asked if you're ready for lunch. I'm kinda starving. Or were you thinking of an afternoon delight?"

"I could eat." Her quick kiss and teasing smile tell she wouldn't mind a fuck, but we'll save that for later. Instead, we start walking again and she asks, "So, when will your name be added? I can't wait to brag about it."

"Never."

"What?" She sounds genuinely surprised. "Wouldn't you want that?"

"No, it's pretentious. I'm not making music to become famous. In fact, I don't wanna be famous at all. But at the same time, I wanna reach out with my music and I want people to like it. It's a weird paradox thing."

She thinks my words over and then concludes, "Maybe you're just afraid to actually get what you wish for."

Is it that simple? Am I just a cowered who's frightened by the idea of actually having it all? I stare into her eyes, trying to find the answer in the depth of them. "Yeah, maybe."

She clears her throat, cheeks flushed pink. "Well, I might be just a teensy bit biased, but I think you deserve to be up here. Your voice is simply amazing."

Don't do that awkward nape-scratch.

Ah, fuck.

"You really think so?"

"Absolutely! You're a legend in the making. I'd bet all my money on that."

She seems so confident about me, so sure I won't fuck shit up. She looks straight through my prominent scowl and dark tattoos and sees something worth loving. Though I can't see it myself, I feel loved and maybe even worthy. She deserves to feel the same way. I just need to man up and say the damn words.

"I—uhm ... "

Fucking say it, already!

Her face cocks curiously. "What?"

Only a sigh escapes my mouth. "Nothing. I'll tell you later."

I'll tell her today.

Right when I find my fucking balls.

We're nearing the Hardrock Cafe. The plan is to tell her over lunch while giving her the necklace. Maybe not a good idea. She might cry and then people will think I'm proposing. Jesus! What a disaster that would be.

No, I better do it right now.

Before we reach the door, I take her in my arms and press my forehead against hers for a moment. I really shouldn't be this nervous. It's just a spoken confirmation of what I feel. She must already know that I love her. How could she not? I've been a clingy fucker from the moment I promised to give us a try.

"I've been meaning to tell you this for a while now, but I didn't know how." C'mon balls ... provide me with some moxie. "It's not easy for me to be vocal about my ... feelings."

Here it goes.

I glance over her head when I kiss her hairline, a futile attempt at calming the pounding in my chest. It doesn't work. In fact, my heart kicks and beats rampantly. The color drains from my face as I stare at the reminder of my nightmares. One of them, at least.

Why?

Why now?

I was so close to making that last step. This is an omen, a clear warning sign that I can't have it all.

"Tex?"

My girl calls for me but my gaze is fixed upon the blast from my hellish past. She recognized me at same time I recognized her. The disgust in her eyes and the loathing in her facial features is hard to forget. She wore that same look on that fateful day.

"Tex, what's going on? Talk me to me."

The hint of tears in Ellie's voice compels me to meet her eyes. She's scared. Rightfully so. I already caused one death, that I know of. If anything happened to her, if I were to be the root of darkness in her otherwise bright life, I could never forgive myself. Loving her is the most selfish thing I've ever done. I'm not good for her.

Doom clouds my mind, erasing every shred of positivity. I step away from her, avoiding her reached out hand. "I'm sorry. I can't do this. It was a mistake."

Pure agony twists her pretty face into an uncharacteristic grimace. It's the last thing I see before I haste away and disappear in the crowd of tourists.

♬♬♬♬

A/N

The last update will probably be the last one 😭😭😭 buuuttt that wil only mean we can finally move onto the sequel 🙌🏻

X Dionne