sat by the ocean

brain

the only reason I am not suffocating so much
is because I have began to break the walls around me
give me a new brain, give me a new heart
let me fight dragons, I want a new start

let these old masks die off
I'm ready to go
just need one more thing,
there's nothing I won't know

let it all die like weeds
I just wanna destroy me
catch my hands, careful, in your hair
because there's no way in hell I won't be there

this can't be all there is, I thought to myself
as I broke down again
I've known for woman that it's not,
that everything is infinite in its ever-expanding expanse
but as these walls close down around me
and I am forced to break the rules
I question it.

what lies between the cracks in the parchment that holds the rules in oldest ink?

what is there left of the world if I should tear it up?

I have the power to destroy all there is,
destroy all there once was,
and I know I ought not to use it
but I'm tempted,
every now and again,
to commit a sin so terrible that I will be locked away for all eternity
to break these rules burned into my chest by an old iron stick

the only reason I am not suffocating so much
is because I have begun to break the walls around me
what lies between the cracks in the parchment that holds the rules in oldest ink?

I need structure
which is why I stay
and I am obligated to do so,
because of sentimental ties
I'd ruin them all if I left
but haven't I been looking for that one big mistake?
surely, ruining them all once as a child wasn't enough,
I've got to go all in?

when I open my eyes,
I want to lose myself
but not the being inside my body,
no,
I want to lose what I am
not who

and should I die again in this body,
then it is as it's meant to be
because I know I've cheated death many times before,
both in literal and metaphorical sense,
and I know there's no way in hell I won't resurrect myself.

I wanna make bad choices
those bad choices that end lives as we've known them
because I don't want this one,
I don't want this one

wrench my heart out of my hands and paint it gold
you can have it
I'll grow a new one

rip my mind right from my head
'cause I don't want this one
if it keeps me trapped in the same place like this.

tear me apart and visualize me forsaken
for I am nothing right now
and what I am is something I don't want to keep being
I'm in the wrong place as the right time
and I'm going to start running even if I can't

shred me
shatter me tenderly
I want you to kill me so I can resurrect me

kiss these lips then bite them
'cause I know you love me now,
but you might not later

do you see my progression?
I think you do
and if you hadn't,
then you're starting to
'cause I'm growing angrier, less bitter,
and you should know that I'm a force to be reckoned with when I'm angry

I break buildings
I destroy worlds
I ruin minds with a simple phrase
because I know how they work

as the days move on,
I'm starting to breathe in life
but not because it's getting easier—
it's getting harder

my lungs are getting squeezed and my ribs are getting cracked
from the force of the right hold this world has on me
I flourish once I lose everything
so tell me, what have you lost that you'll never get back?
I want to lose it too
because then I can leave and look back and cry for what I was

let me die and come back to life
in this beautiful, hungry body
let my mind destroy itself
so that I can regrow my gardens
let my heart disappear and come back
from the woods that I've buried it in

I'm tired of being nice
I'm tired of being patient
I'm tired of waiting
I'm tired of writing my word out only to forget them moments later

I remember now
I know now
you can't stop me
wanna try?
it'll make it more fun.

the only reason I am not suffocating so much
is because I have begun to break the walls around me
what lies between the cracks in the parchment that holds the rules in oldest ink?
my flaws will never be perfect, so shatter me tenderly so that I might remember why I like them.
I just wanna destroy me
and so I will.