sat by the ocean

I don't love you.

I love you
but my soul is wrenched out of me every time I talk to you
and that is not how it should be.

your fingertips should gently graze over where I am hurting
and your hands should flex as they go over the best parts of me
because you're so desperate to feel it all at once.

I love you
but my heart whimpers and cries when I see your face
is it fear? is it sadness?
maybe it is both,
for it knows what comes along with you

I feel the need to bathe myself
just to get away from your energy
because you drown me
and drench my chest with your sorrows.

I love you
but my brain knows very well the poison you feed it,
all this toxicity in my head
don't you dare think you can break me and ruin me.

only I am capable of that now.
and only I am capable of healing myself.
so let me.

I love you
but even saying that hurts sometimes,
because it isn't really love, is it?
it's attachment.

I just can't bring myself to cut you off
because I am so attached to all the good in you
yes, I recognize the dark and the light in you as they mingle and fall apart
but your skin falls apart in daylight and thanks to her I am forced to consider leaving

oh, why can't I just save my own skin for once?
I've only ever saved myself from a person once
and everything was okay when I allowed them back in
but you?
you, I never want again.

you, I never want again.
I don't think I'd ever miss your breath if I let you go,
because it's searing hot when I'm already overheating
because it's freezing cold when I've already got burns from the ice.

you, I never want again.
you fill my heart with hate and dread and fear and sadness
and that is something a person in my life should never do.
you say you're sorry,
but the memory lingers.
the memory always lingers.

it never stops
it never leaves
but I know it would fade with time
if I could just grasp the silver strings of courage

I don't just need to take my power back.

I want to take my power back.

but,
my mind says,
I don't want to hurt you.

and fool that I maybe am,
I know that my departure would hurt you.

I cannot ease away,
for I cannot help but to lurk.
I cannot cut the thread,
even though my blade is so sharp.
I cannot release the toxins
you've put into my brain
when you're standing right there
shivering and sniffling in the cold rain.

and maybe it's paradise for a little while
but the thought of paradise always scared me anyway
because I love to hurt sometimes
it's like exercising old muscles when they've grown too stiff
I'm so prone to extremes
that I'm almost addicted to you and your unintentional pain-bringing ways
and you're very, very bad for me,
and I don't think you understand that.

some days I love you
and other days I never want to speak to you again.

it hurts me, too,
because I love loving unconditionally
and I just can't do that with you around.

where do you go when the lights are off?
do you really cry when you say?
is it an illusion to keep me rooted in place?
or are we two tortured souls slowly killing each other?

I don't want this.

no.

no, no, no.

I don't want you again,
or anymore,
or ever.

get out.

leave me be with the breeze.

let me hurt,
and then let me heal,
and then let me experience the euphoria of finally being able to curse your good name
with no guilt attached.

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

I don't hate you

I don't think I could unless my suspicions are true.

I love you
but I can't like you anymore
so please leave
before I make you.

I don't want you anymore
and I don't need you
and I want to leave
bur I don't want to hurt you by doing so
because you're a fine person
and you deserve better than what I can give you.

I'm not insecure,
I know I treat people good,
and I know I'm good enough,
and I know I'm valid and worthy of good treatment.

I'm not insecure.
I just can't give you what you deserve.

you deserve more good than I can give you in this state.
do you understand me?

so,
please, darling,
tell me goodbye for a good year or so
and don't break.

stay strong for yourself
don't rely on me
tell yourself you're good enough
don't rely on me
you are enough for you
you can't rely on me.

maybe you'll come back to me after a long time
it's happened to me before
but I need you to heal more before I can talk to you again.

you are too much for me personally to handle right now
simply because of how instability loves me right now.

it's nothing you did.

I am trying my best to be a person right now.

I can't do that if I'm trying to be your therapist.

I just want you to know how trapped I feel
under your soft gaze.
I don't fully want to go,
there is still a small part of me holding on like everything depends on it,
but I know I must.

please accept this as an apology.

the circle is forever, but this may not be
and that's okay.

goodbye for now,
darling.
I want to see you again in a year.
show me your growth.

maybe I'll finally show you mine.