sat by the ocean

the sadness

a sadness runs through me
and it is bigger than me
I carry more than you see
and I hide more than I know.

a sadness runs through me
even as the dawn breaks and I feel alive
it runs deep through my chords as I strum
and flows through every note of my song
as though it's always been there.

no pill could take it away,
because I know it needs to be healed,
not trumped.

a sadness runs through me
and you could not even begin to comprehend it
and I do not even know where to begin.

a sadness runs through me
and it is bigger than me
I carry more than you see
and every breath is a lie.

I sculpt these beautiful words
and weave them together for you
to show you that I feel this way
and only to show you
for there is nothing else I can do right now.

there is much to say,
and I do not have the English words.
the feelings are lost to translation inside my mind
and you'll never know because I am afraid to tell you their true names
because they are of a language
that only I know.

it is a language of pure emotion;
of sounds that, when fitted together, are the exact words I need

fräk-ru
the pull inside my chest
hele lo lene kinolas
the tide of the moon's power as she draws away all that is worldly

there is much you may not understand about me
and I am afraid of showing that.
I am ancient beyond worlds,
and my soul knows much more about this world
about me
than I am confident to tell you.

you say I can say anything
how do you feel about my boldness?
I say you can say anything
do you truly understand what that means?

there is a fire that burns eternal in my chest
and with every step, it making itself more known
I am the phoenix,
and I will rise beyond you unless you follow

a sadness runs through me
and it is bigger than me
I carry more than you see
please help me heal it and burn away the scraps.
I don't know how.

I don't think you get what it means
when I say I love you.
there are moments throughout the day when I think of you
and wonder how you are
and wonder what your skin feels like
and I breathe for you and only you in those moments

I may have a broken soul,
considering some things,
but there's one thing I know for sure regarding my love.

it is intense,
and it runs deep into my soul.

when I love you,
you are forever a part of me
and to undo that would mean there was a great wound that needed healing.
it has happened with others before,
but I will never let it again.
I owe that to myself.

when I say I love you,
I really mean I love you
and I will give you all of myself
if you ask for it
and you have to ask
because I am a careful creature

when I say I love you,
I really mean I love you
and I would fight anyone who dared to hurt you
with tooth and nail until one triumphed
and it would be me
because I always win
but you
could still my clawed hand
and softly whisper no
and I would never look their way again.

when I say I love you,
I really mean I love you
I will do anything you ask of me
and when I say that,
I say it in the confidence that I know you would never ask me to do something that you know I couldn't handle doing
that is real trust

are you understanding what I'm saying,
bright soul?

the meaning of I love you
must be clear
because I don't like being misunderstood

to some people,
they are shallow words
but to me
they carry the weight and depth of all that is me
every time I speak them in truth to you

I love with intensity,
and once I go all in,
you will notice
and will never be rid of me.

I love with all that is in me,
and once it is done,
it is forever
because I burn eternal.

I love with every last scrap of myself that I can,
and once you know that,
I worry that you will be afraid
and know that I am also afraid.

I am afraid because I know how strong I am
I am afraid because I know how attached I am
I am afraid because I know I control it until I don't
I am afraid because I know the wound would leave a scar forever
I am afraid because I know I am intense and then I am not and then I am again
I am afraid because I have reason to be.

I am afraid,
most certainly,
because in the past
I have given myself to two people
who have turned it back on me
and the wound still gives me phantom pains to this day
and I don't want to go through that again.

but I want to give myself to you
because you are the first person I have trusted like this in a long time
and I am glad it turned out this way,
dear one.

please,
show me the way
for I have forgotten it in my isolation.

please,
my love,
tell me I can show you what it's like inside of me, inside of my soul and my bones and my mind.

and please,
dear gods, please,
tell me you won't look away
and mean it.

a sadness runs through me
and it is growing smaller by the minute.

do you need to feel it?