chemical

25.

My parents walked into the room causing Calum to stand up.

He greeted the both of them before leaving the room with Ashton.

I would've preferred that he'd stayed but i knew that my parents didn't.

"How are you feeling?" My mom asked as she grabbed my hand.

"Fine."

She shook her head. "We all know that you're not fine. Why didn't you tell us that you felt this way?"

"Because i didn't know that i was capable of doing this.'

"That's not true." My dad said as he sat down next to my mom.

"You've hurted yourself once before."

I looked down. He was right but that was such a long time ago. I was only 10 when i did that and it was only a few cuts.

"That was different." I whispered to him.

"It's not important anymore. What's important is that you're not going to do it again."

"What did Ashton say to you?" I asked the both of them

"He wants to have weekly therapy sessions with you." My mom said ti me.

"That sounds reasonable."

"We also talked about mabye transferring you." My dad said.

"What do you mean?"

"If we don't see any improvement after your second chemo we'll have to move you or atleast get you another doctor."

"When's that?" I asked a bit panicked.

"I believe that you have another chemo treatment in a few days." My mom answered.

"I don't think an another doctor is going to help me."

"We don't know that. We only know that you're not doing so great here. Mabye change in envermaint is going to help you."

"Why can't i stay home with you guys?" I asked knowing that it was possible to do.

My dad shook his head. "You know that we don't have the time for that. We're to busy with work to take proper care of you at home."

"I understand." I said as i looked down.

He gently lifted my face up. "But we still want what's best for you and love you very much."

I smiled at him when he said that. I had missed hearing those words from him.

"I don't think that i want another doctor." I said mainly to my mom.

"We know sweetie but we just want what's best for you so that you can heal as fast as possible. If that means getting another doctor we will do that." My mom said.

"It's not about the doctor it's about the treatment." I whispered, i was scared to talk back to them.

"Let's forget about this whole thing for now. We'll continue this conversation after you've had your second treatment." My dad said calmly.

For the first time i actually wanted to get better even though it was still for the wrong reason.

"Are you guys going to stay?"

They both shook their head. "We're sorry but we have to work. You can call us if you need to talk "

"I will. Thanks for coming to see me." I said even though it was a lie.

My mom kissed my cheek and my dad kissed my forehead. "We love you Kate. Please take good care of yourself and don't be afraid to talk to your doctors. Remember that we love you very much." My dad said as walked to the door.

I waved at them until they closed the door behind them.

I sighed and trew the blankets over me. I felt alone again.

I carefully took the IV out and stepped out of bed to grab the photo album.

I wanted to see if i could find an adress or an old phone number in it.

After flipping through multiple pages an old picture fell out. On the picture was my mom standing infront of the trailer. She looked so happy and healthy.

I flipped the picture around and was surprised by what i saw. An adress was writing on the back along with an phone number.

I laughed as i quickly stood up. Finally i found something that was going to help me.

"Fuck." I whispered as i stood up. I forgot that my legs still hurted.

I took a deep breath before i slowly walked out the room. 

The hallway was completely empty so i was able to use the phone without being seen. No one ever used this phone except a few doctors and of course me who didn't have a cell phone.

I dailed the number and waited for someone to answer.

After 5 minutes of hearing nothing i figured that the number probably didn't exist anymore.

Deeply disappointed i hung up the phone. When i about to walk back to my room i made eye contact with Luke.

I quickly looked down and continued to limp back to my room. But it was already too late. As soon as i sat back down in my bed Luke entered my room.

"I thought that you were supposed to be in bed." He said as he grabbed my chart.

"Mabye."

He glanced at my arm and gave me an confused look when he saw that i had no IV anymore.

"Did you take it out?" He said concerned.

I nodded as he inspected my arm.

"Is that a bad thing?" I asked knowing damm well that it was.

"Kinda, you're lucky that you got it out smoothly. It would've been pretty messy if you did it the wrong way." He said as he let my arm go.

"Does it need to be put back?"

"I don't think so especially not now that i know that you can take it out yourself."

I gave him a smile. I was kinda proud of that.

He smiled back and sat down next to me on the bed.

"Who were you calling?"

"No one, it was an old number that i just called to see if it still worked which it didn't."

He nodded.

"Did Calum tell you what happend?" I aksed him as i looked down.

"Yeah, he did. He was pretty upset by it, i had to calm him down last night."

Hearing this made me feel even more guilty.

"You don't need to feel guilty for your feelings." Luke said as if he understood what i was thinking.

I smiled at him with tears in my eyes. "It's hard to not feel guilty when you know how many people you've hurt."

He put his arm around me and pulled me closer to his chest. "One day you'll realise that you bring more joy to people than misery."

"I hope that day will come soon." I whispered to him.

I felt incredibly tired and just wanted to sleep.

"What time is it?" I asked him as i layed down.

"Around 5 but you can sleep if you're tired."

I nodded. "Goodnight." I mumbled to him before i closed my eyes.