chemical

27.

I woke up sweating, i was another nightmare again. But this one was different than all the others.

I calmed my breathing down as i thought back about the images that flashed before my eyes. I had dreamt that my parents took me away from here and burried me alive. It felt so real like i wasn't able to breath anymore.

I stepped out of bed, i needed a fucking shower. Showering was also a good excuse to not see the nurse that drops by every moring. I hated the small talk i would have with them.

I stepped under the running water. I used to take showers every day but now i can only find the energy to do it three times a week.

I turned the water off and stepped out if the shower.

As i was brushing my hair I suddenly realised how thin my hair was. I was slowly losing hair but it wasn't yet falling out in big chunks.

"Kate are you in there?" Calum said as he knocked on the bathroom door.

"Yeah I'm coming in a sec." I yelled to him.

He came sooner than i had expected. I quickly trew some clean clothes on and stepped out of the bathroom.

"You're early." I said to him.

He looked at his watch. "Not really. Mabye you're just late."

I smiled at him and sat down on my bed.

"Are you ready for chemo?" He asked as he sat down next to me.

I shook my head. "There's something i have to do first."

He looked confused at me. "What do you need to do?"

"I have to talk to River."

"Are you sure that's a good idea after what he did?" He asked.

I shrugged. "Mabye not but i still want to do it."

"Do you want me to take you there?"

"No you can just pick me up when it's time for my treatment."

"Alright, I'll see you then." With that said Calum left the room.

I took a deep breath and walked to River's room. His mother was sitting next to his bed when i arrived.

"I'll give you two some privacy." She said with a smile as she stood up.

"How are you doing?" I aksed once his mom was gone.

He ignored me and looked down with a sad face.

I walked towards him and sat down next to his bed. "I'm sorry for everything i said the other day."

He looked up with tears in his eyes. "You aren't the one who should apologise. I'm so fucking sorry for all the shit i said to you. I was upset with a lot of things and i took it out on you."

I genlty grabbed his hand."I know that you didn't mean it but it still hurt. Thank you for apologising."

A tear rolled down his face. "You deserve tge whole world Kate. You deserve to get better."

"Just as much as you do." I said as i whiped his tear away.

We both were quiet for a minute until River broke the silence.

"I have sugery today." He said with a sad face.

I stood up and grabbed a pen from his nightstand. "Shall i mark it to make sure that they amputate the right one?"

He smiled. "I don't know if that's allowed but go ahead."

He lifted his pant leg up so that i could write on it.

I made a smiley face on his knee with underneath that on arrow. I wrote 'this one needs to leave' on it.

He laughed when i was finished. "Hopefully they can read your handwriting."

"What time do you have the surgery?" I asked as i sat down next to him.

"Two hours or something."

"I have chemo soon so i don't think I'll will be able to see you anymore today."

"Are you nervous?" He asked.

"I'm more nervous for what comes after the chemo."

"What do you mean?" He aksed a bit confused.

"My parents want to  change doctor or hospital if the treatment is not working after today."

"They're bloody idiots aren't they? Do they really expect that chemo can cure you after 2 fucking times."

"That's what Calum and i have been saying too. An another doctor isn't going to cure me nor is another hospital."

"I don't want you to leave." He said to me.

I grabbed his hand and looked him in the eyes. "I'm not planning on leaving. I don't care if I'm not getting better, I'm not leaving you and Alice."

He smiled back at me, for a moment we both forget how scared we where for what was to come.

Calum was the one who broke the peaceful silence by knocking on the door.

"I'm sorry to disturb your romantic moment but it's time for your treatment Kate."

I sighed and stood up. "Good luck with your sugery River. I'll think of you."

"And I'll think of you with your chemo treatment."

With that said i followed Calum to the hallway.

"It wasn't an romantic moment." I said to him once River couldn't hear us.

He smirked. "If you say so."

"In here." Calum said as we stopped infront of a small room. I recognized it from last time but something about it made it look scarier this time.

I sat down in the same chair as the first time, all the way in back furthest away from the door.

"Do i need to explain anything before we start?" Calum aksed me.

"There are not going to be any improvements after today, right?"

He sighed and kneeled down infront of me. "Most likely not. We'll start the see improvement after a few more sessions but not after this one. Mabye we see a very small improvement and that will be all that we'll need right now."

"I don't want my parents to take me away from here."

He placed his hand on my knee. "They won't, I'll make sure of it."

I lifted my sleeve up. "I think I'm ready."

"Before i start i want you to think of something happy."

I closed and tried to remember the last time i was truly happy. I couldn't really think of anything until j realised that i hapoy a few minutes ago when i was taking to River.

"One, two, three.."

I tensed up when Calum put the needle in. It was hard to keep thinking about happy memories when most of them are unhappy.

"That was it." Calum said as he took his gloves off.

I hesitantly opened my eyes to look at the needle that was in my arm. It still made me  feel very uncomfortable.

Calum gently put his hand over it and sat down next to me. "Don't think about it too much. It's only there to help you, not to do anything else.

"Will you stay here?" I whispered to him. It felt like such a stupid thing to ask from a doctor.

"Of course i will."