chemical

43.

Kate

"I want to go back home." I said more clearly.

Calum squatted down to my level. "I don't think you're healty enough to go home right now. You're body is rejecting the donated cells. This has caused your cancer to spread even further. Mutiple of your organs are shutting down."

I carefully said up, i needed to process everything that he had just said. "But i feel perfectly fine." I mumbled still half asleep.

Calum sighed and shook his head. "No you don't, you need to stop lying to yourself."

I refused to give in. I turned my head and ignored him.

It was now my mom's turn to reason with me. "Sweetie it won't matter if you're here or at my place. I will stay with you no matter what and we will still celebrate Christmas."

I wanted to answer but i had to cough.

Doing this had scared the both of them which annoyed me even more. I needed someone to tell me that i wasn't that sick and that i could carry on like usual.

Then it suddenly hit me why i was thinking this way. It was because of Mandy and how she had raised me. She always told me that i was being weak or was faking it. Many times she sent me to school or a photoshoot while i had fever.

"Mandy." I whispered still half in thoughts.

Me saying that must've hurt my mom because she stood up and left the room.

"What's wrong?" I whispered a bit confused. The medicine had made my mind even more foggy than it already was.

"She just finds it difficult to process all of it." Calum said to me.

Somehow i could tell that he was holding somthing back. He wanted to say something to me but he didn't. I was too tired to push him so i just ignored it.

He stood back up. "I think It's best if you go back to sleep like you were suppose to do earlier."

I wouldn't call it sleeping. It was the medince that made me feel weird and caused me to shut my brain off. At this point i felt like everytime i went to bed i wouldn't wake up.

"Don't give me that look. Sleep is very important for you right now." Calum said to me.

I couldn't care less about that. Everything was ruined. It was all over, no more Christmas with my mom and other fun things. My time was up.

"Goodnight Calum." I whispered to him. I just wanted him to leave.

"Goodnight Kate, I'll see you again in the moring." With that said he finally left the room and shut the door behind him.

Before i knew it i was crying my eyes out. It had finally hit me how little fight i had left in me.

There was a knock at the door.

I quickly whiped my tears my away before Michael entered my room.

"Still not sleepin?" He whispered as he sat down next to my bed.

My back was turned to him so he couldn't see that i had cried. Why couldn't i just be left alone right now?

"I never imagined that i would spent Christmas in a hospital room. It just feels wrong." I whispered back.

He didn't say anything back until I had turned myself around.

"What makes it feel so wrong?"

"A lot of things but mainly the lack of decoration." I mumbled to him.

"I have an idea, I'll be back in a sec." He said before leaving the room.

Not even a minute later he returned with a small Christmas tree in his hands.

A smill appeared on my face, it was my mother's.

"She brought it with her when she visited her home earlier. But she fell alseep in the hallway before she could give it to you."

"She must be exhausted." I said to him.

He nodded as his smile faded just like mine. "Nobody saw it coming. We thought you were doing fine."

I looked down. I felt kinda guilty for not being honest with everyone.

"Do you think Calum is mad at me? I have the feeling that he definitely is."

Michael went quiet for a second. He had to put his words together to make sure that he gave the most truthful answer.

"I think he's mad at himself for not seeing this sooner. You were clearly not feeling well but we you faked it so well that we believed you. "

"It was never my intention to hurt anyone. I thought that it would be better this way. I just wanted my life to be normal again."

"I know you did and no one holds that against you. Just know that there are no more lies for now on."

"I can't fake it any longer anyway. I barely have the energy to talk to you. I feels like my time has run out  and i can't hit the snooze button anymore."

He genlty grabbed my hand. "You don't need to fake it anymore. Listen to your body-"

As he was saying that he started to cry. I squeezed his hand to let him know that i was still here. "I'm sorry it's just hard to believe that you soon won't be here." He said.

"Please don't cry for me." I said barely audible. I hated myself for this sudden downfall. I wanted to keep everyone happy but i was just so fucking exhausted.

He whiped his tears away and looked at me. "Fuck cancer."

I smiled at him. "Such wise and true words."

"Of course, i am full of wise words."

He had made me feel a little bit in my head. But physically i still felt absolutely horrible, unfortunately nothing could be done about this.

"Can you please stay with me? I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep." I said to him.

The truth is that I'm too scared that i won't be able to wake up if i go to bed right now. I wanted to hang on for just a little longer. My mom and Calum deserved a proper goodbye.

"Of course i will."

He put the chair closer to my bed and grabbed a blanket. It always fascinated me how easy doctors were able to sleep no matter the circumstances.

"Goodnight Kate, sweet dreams."

"Goodnight Michael." I whispered back.