chemical

44.

When i woke up i felt absolutely terrible. It was as if all my engery was sucked out of me. The dozend of pills i had to take kept me from feeling pain or sick. But they couldn't give me my engery back.

"Merry Christmas!" My mom yelled when she barged into my room. Calum followed behind her.

I was too tired to return any of her excitement. All i could manage to do was give her a small smile.

"I bought you a small present."

She handed me a small red box with a green ribbon around it.

I carefully sat up and removed the ribbon. In the box was a coin. Calum looked at it with a confused look but i knew exactly what it was.

It was the first time i ever possessed money. When i was little i had found this excast coin at a playground. I had kept it ever since but i lost it after i was removed from my house.

"I've never trown it away. It has survived a lot of things." She said proudly.

I opend my arms to hug her. "Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me."

"I'm sorry, i don't have a present." Calum mumbled.

"That's perfectly fine. Christmas isn't about present. I'm already happy with you just being her. I was afraid that i had made the both if you so upset last night that you wouldn't want to see me again." I confessed to them.

"Of course we want to see you again. But yes we were a bit upset yesterday because you were suffering and didn't even tell us."

"I'm sorry. "

My mom layed her hand on mine. "You only did what you thought was right. So don't be sorry."

Calum nodded in agreement.

We all talked for quite a while but eventually Calum had to leave. I hugged him as long as was possible. I had a strange feeling that this was going to be the final goodbye to him.

"Bye Kate, I'll see you soon." He said with a smile as he left the room.

My mom refused to leave my side. She was absolutely terrified that i was going to leave and she wouldn't be able to say goodbye. Which was exactly what i was planning to do.

"You look tired. Go home and take a shower. I'll be fine for a few hours." I said in a soft tone to her.

She shook her head. "I won't leave you. None of those things you said are important. I just want to stay with you."

"Please mom. You won't make me feel any better if i know that you're not taking care of yourself."

She thought about for second.

"You'll make me very happy." I said to push her even further.

"Fine, if you insist on it. I'll go home to shower and change my clothes but I'll be home in an hour max."

"Thank you." I said with a smile.

Her hand slipped out of mine and she walked away.

"Goodbye Kate I'll be back before you know it." She said with a smile.

I smiled back, i was too weak to talk back in a proper sentence.

When i heard the door close i took a deep breath. My body was shutting down. I needed to give my mom an last message before i would leave her. I reached for the notebook that was laying on the nightstand and started writing.

Dear mom,

I left this letter for you and none one else. I'm afraid you're the only one who will understand my mumbling right now. So I'm warning you before you continue to read. These are not thought out sentences, these are the last words my brain will be able to produce before it dies.
For the last few weeks I've ingored my body. I was trying to win a race against death. But now that the finish line is near i am afraid that I'm not going to win. Which is fine. I'm ready to lot go. It may be selfish of me to want to spent my last moments alone. I truly hope that you can forgive me for making this decision. I believe it's the best for the both of us.
Tell Calum, Michael, Ashton and Luke that i love them dearly. I am happy yo have had them in my life. They have changed my view on life but also on death.
Also tell Alice and River this. Tell them to stay strong, i want them to live a long and happy life.
Please burn this letter when I'm burried. It's the last request i  have before i will be forgotten. You will, won't you? If not i ask you to forget me. I don't believe in heaven or in hell, after I'm dead I'll simply be gone. Don't bother to talk to a stone. Replay the memories of me until they slowy fade away. There was i time i didn't believe in love. Mainly because i had never felt it like i have now. You made me believe in love again and i will forever be grateful for that. You're a wonderful mother, please don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Oh and i here by give you permission to further explore your friendship with Calum if you wish to do so.

I love you mom

Goodbye

I let the pen fall on the ground after i wrote down the last word. I had put all my energy in that letter.

I layed back down in my bed and trew the covers over me. The most painful thing wasn't dying but it was the thought of my mom finding out about my death. I knew that it would've been too painful for the both of to let her watch me die. This was the best option.

Calum

It was like time had stopped. Mabel was crying in my arms as the nurse put a sheet over her. She was gone, really gone. The worst of it all was that she had to spent her last few moments alone. I felt guilty for letting her down. I had promised her that she would get better but she didn't.

"I can't believe it." Mabel cried out.

"She was here this morning, she can't be gone."

I genlty rocked her back and forth. There was no words to say right now. We all were in complete shock and had to process this terrible moment.

If it wasn't for Mabel i would've broken down myself. But i kept myself together for her sake right now.

After she had calmed down a bit we both went to sit in my office.

"I shouldn't have listened to her when she wanted me to leave. I had such a bad feeling about it and i still didn't listen."

"She wanted to be alone when she experienced her last mintues on earth. You can't feel guilty for a decision she had made." I answered calmly.

She walked towards me and sat on my lap. "I know that you're trying to be strong for me right now but you don't have to be. Morn with me Calum."

This was enough for me to completely break down. Tears fell down my face as i embraced Mabel. She was also crying and whispered something in my ear. "Neither of us were guilty. Death is something no one can stop. Kate would be proud of us.".