PLEASE MY MIND | Daniel seavey

THERE FOR YOU

5 weeks in. 

It was storming, it reminded me of that night. That night she suffered on the side of the road. The night everything was bound to change. I knew it was pointless, driving 3 hours to this hospital, that she has said to have left. I needed to know more. answers were there. I had to ride another 10 minutes, it was scary how close I was to the place, I saw her last. Where I saw her worn out, thin body. I remember her telling me...she was okay. But I knew she was lying. She was never good at lying. She was only good in keeping up the pretend. 

Ash 

The doctor knocked soflty. "Ash, we need to talk." A nurse pushed my bed to another room, where I waited. It took 5 minutes, before he came in. "Your lasted scan has shown that...it reduced. We don't understand. We can't promise that it will not spread to your heart. But this reducement is truly remarkable. We're praying for you. God is looking over you and gifted you time. Let hope that means you can recover." A : "...I'm not going to die?" "I can't answer that Ash, it's to soon to say so. I can't believe these results myself yet."  His expression was kept neutral. It was amazing how he could remove himself from the emotions he felt. "We have to scan again, alright? If it's reduced, there might be a change. It's small, but it's there." I felt so worn out, that I didn't even gave a place to the feelings I had with this news. The only thing I knew was that if-it were to be- I was fucked, ruined friendships with one message. 

I was rolled back into my room, it took little over an hour until an nurse came to my room with the scans in her hand. She smiled, "You're going to be okay" She said as she handed me the scans. Not that I knew how to understand what the prints were showing. Out of shock, the tears rolled over my cheeks. I hadn't cried in a week, It felt like feelings finally came back. As if it finally had a purpose to feel them again. A minute after the doctor rushed in and he showed emotion, finally. He was smiling, he kept assuring that it was a miracle. And I couldn't help but cry. 

"There's someone here for you?" Before I could question the nurse. He walked in and ran and wrapped his arms around me. Zach...you came? He cried loudly, not ashamed, not scared to let everything out. I did the same. His warmth, it felt so good. 

A: "I'm so so so sorry." I said, my voice shaking, my body shivering. My sight blurry by the many tears. Z: "Don't ever lie like that again." A: "I was scared, zach. I-i couldn't handle the thought of you, of everyone...getting hurt. I didn't want--" Z: "Ash. Please. You don't need to explain anything. If I knew you had to deal with this. If I knew you had to suffer from knowing you were going to die soon. I'd have held you till the last second. My love for you was never gone.".  A: "How did you know zach, how did you know I was still here." Z: "I didn't, I wanted to drive to the hospital, to ask if they knew anything of were you had gone too." A: "You really would chase me?" Z: "I would never leave you Ash. Not like that." A: "How did you...ask If I?.." Z: "I asked for your name and they told me they were sorry. I was confused, so I asked. Then they explained I didn't have to worry anymore as much. They said that you make it. I made the connections quick. " A: "I didn't wanna die zach. Not in presence of any of you guys at least." Z: "You're not. you're not anymore." It was a weird feeling, knowing that this month I was sucked into accepting death and now I was going to live. As if this last month was a dream, a nightmare...I rested my head on Zach's shoulder. I wasn't ready to even process the fact that I was going to be okay, I haven't even processed my mom being in coma alone on the other side of the world. Let alone dealing with my friends, that I tried deleting out of my life, as if it were that easy. I should've known that shit doesn't work like that. I was being stupid, but in my defense...I was panicking...overthinking..a wreck. 

A: "What do I do, Zach? I feel so bad." Z: "Ash. Listen. You just send a stupid fucking message. Everyone is confused about it, they think that you went to something traumatic, and they feel like if they were to not respect your wishes, it would hurt you. But on the other side, nobody actually was going to listen to your message. I mean are you crazy. We would never let you leave like that. It's obvious that something was going on. We all knew, that we weren't problem this time." A: "But...how do I tell them, I lied. I lied big time. I only told Daniel and you about my mother. I haven't even told Bry, Tate, kian...and the list goes on. I felt like it was my own to deal with. I didn't want to worry them more. And after I heard..you know..that I wasn't going to make it. I figured it was best to cut myself out of the picture...for everyone's sake." Z: "Stop Ash. Are you hearing yourself right now? We are your friends! We are supposed to be there for you. The only thing your worrying about is others and not yourself! It's ridiculous Ash. Listen...this past month must have been horrible, I don't think I can-, anyone can... understand the pain you went through. How you have stared at the walls for weeks on end, bored out of your mind, but not able to move. Then your mom, I remember when you told me about your dad years ago. It's crazy timing Ash, and it must have been a lot. The fact that even when you knew these were the last moments of your life, you chose to care about others. The message was impulsive and stupid. But nobody will blame you for reacting the way you did. Okay?" I nodded. He made me understand my own situation more that I could understand it. A: "Thanks Zach." He stayed with me another hour, telling me about tour and the latest news. He told me about everyone worrying and wishing they could be with me. It made me feel loved, so loved. I wish I hadn't taken that for granted. The next step I had to take, was to call my friends. How could I explain? But Zach had another idea.