PLEASE MY MIND | Daniel seavey

BIG SECRETS

The next day. 

As usual I woke up, blinded by the hospital lights and awakened by the noisy hallways. Today I had to confront everyone about my lie, the lie that I've been livin' the last weeks. It was all so strange, that it would've been almost hilarious if it wasn't my own story. I stared for a bit...thinking about how to tell them the story. It was heard enough to lie...but telling people you lied? Gosh...that's another level of embarrassment. But I believed Zach. As he told me yesterday, that in a situation like mine, it's acceptable for a person to react strange and impulsive. I mean truly: how can you process dying? I couldn't, I truly couldn't. Although I acted like I could, pushing away my loved ones instead of telling them the truth was a pretty clear sign that I was not capable of thinking rationally whatsoever. 

Zach 

I slept awful, the dark circles under my eyes were tinted slightly more than usual and my eye lids were puffy from all the crying. I don't like crying. I makes me feel so vulnerable. Although I wanted to be strong for her...It felt like yesterday wasn't the day to do so. After I left, I was so emotional, that I ran up te stairs as quick as I could. Nobody could know, what I knew yet. I felt so sorry for Ash. She was the person I looked up to the most, how could she only think of others when her own life was at stake? I felt so bad, not being there for her, not being there to hold her in my arms. To feel her head and warm body laying against mine. Rubbing her back, telling her that life up there, is going to be so much better than earth will ever be. Letting her know I loved her, I would visit her soon. All those thoughts kept circling my mind. Even though she survived. She did it. She was a gift...she never ment to leave us to early. She still had to impact so many more. I know she will. My slur of ongoing thoughts were interrupted by my phone. It was Jack. 

J: "Hi. Can you come over at Daniel's house? I'm with Jonah and Crawford. We need to talk. The girls have tried contacting her mom." My heart skipped a beat...I forgot. I completely forgot for a second. Daniel hadn't told the rest about Ash's mom either. I told Ash yesterday that everyone respected her fake message in one way. But that was a lie. Everybody was mad, confused, worried sick. Nobody in their right mind would ever just let her go like that. Without a word, without a goodbye. Daniel was furious, he couldn't understand. Bryana was heart-broken. And so were we all. Losing a best friend out of nowhere? Thinking we are the problem? It was honestly wreckless of her, but nobody would blame her...and that is what I still stand by. If they only knew. J: "Zach?? Hello, bro wtf? You were gone all day yesterday? This is about Ash remember? we need to find her? I don't know what the fuck she is doing...but were worried for her safety?" My throat felt like stone, my mouth kept shut. I froze. I didn't know what to do, what to react. J: "Okay fuck you then." He hung up. His reaction was expected, I mean everybody was heated up. 

I needed to call him back. Tell them, what I found out by accident. I was not an elite that had any deeper connection with Ash, that allowed me to know this first. It was not right. I called Jack back, but he didn't answer. Alright, I guess I'll have to be quick then.