home, kim jungwoo

14

Your feelings are valid.

TOO MANY FEELINGS TO HANDLE

The funeral was bleak. People came up to her uttering their condolences. The sad fact was she didn't know any of them, but somehow they knew her. With Jungwoo stuck to her side, he took in the difference of the funeral from what he was used to.

People came in like a revolving door and truthfully she didn't want to see any of them, instead, she wanted to wallow in bed. Nonetheless, she had to do this. Finally a familiar face she knew made her dry eyes light up for a second. "Mr. Hopkins," she said as he stood in front of her with sad eyes. "Akina, how're you holding up?" He asked, taking in one of her hands and encasing it in his older ones.

"Not the greatest, but I'll be okay," she responded through her sniffles as he nodded, squeezing her hands. His eyes trailed off of her to the awkward standings boy who glanced in every other area so he wouldn't disturb the two. "Who's this?" He asked.

Jungwoo's head snapped to the older man with a short build acknowledging him. "Oh, surprise I met my soulmate," She said, trying to brighten her voice. The biggest gummy smile invades his mouth as he lets go of Akina's hand. "Hello, I'm Mr.Hopkins, I've known her grandmother for a long time."

Akina's eyes searched him quickly, seeing the confusion from his eyes. She was about to speak for him until he beat her to it. "Hello, I'm Jungwoo." His voice was confident like he had fluency even though his accent cut through. An exhale of breath left her mouth, relieved he didn't get nervous. "You must be from South Korea then... your grandmother would tell me about your job there and how proud she was of you. I bet she is so happy that you found him." He let out, sincerity lacing his words that hit her like a ton of bricks. Smiling a tear fell out of her eyes as Mr. Hopkins said his goodbye.

"Sorry, I thought there would be no more tears," she said laughing dryly through her response. Turning his body to make himself facing her he looked at her new spilled tears and the brokenness that her fake smile was showing. "It's okay, you can cry as much as you need to."

As the service went on it became very tiring for Akina. From the heels that were gaining her blisters and the bleakness of it all was wearing away at all of her physical and even mental strength. Even with her circumstances, she pushed through the service and once the last of the people rolled out she shuffled slowly -practically dragging her feet- to the open casket.

Jungwoo didn't follow her for once, instead, he went to another room and began to tidy up to give her some privacy. With shaky hands, she traced the engravings of floral on the shiny mahogany wood of the casket. Her eyes were stuck on the wood engravings, terrified to look at the face of someone she loves. It was difficult, no, it was so painful to the point where her feelings were now numbed out strikes instead of the sharp pains like before.

Daring, well knowing she needed to say some things, peered her eyes to her grandmother. She looked so different, her appearance was not how she remembered. The warmth that carried inside of her -like the sun was built into her- was no longer there. It was a foreign feeling to see someone so full of life just not anymore.

A tear welled up in her eyes as she remembered all the memories, "Remember when we went thrift shopping when I was younger, you practically forced me there..." she inhaled a breath before continuing. "I did not want to go because I thought the place smelled weird," a short dry laugh escaped her mouth before continuing, "you thought it was so funny, and somehow, you convinced me to step foot in there."

"It was so much fun, we tried on those absurd cowboy hats and found all those little knit knacks. You let me get one of the three bunnies because I loved it so much." Shakily she continued with her hot tears falling down her face, "It's still in the cabinet in the dining room on display... god how could you leave me?"

"I have so much to tell you now, I was planning to tell you about my soulmate, you would've been ecstatic on the phone," she breathed in deeply, trying to contain her feelings. "You would've forced me to facetime just so you could see him, I can hear you saying, "He's so handsome" or "He's definitely a keeper." you would like him."

Resting her hands on the casket for some support she saw the pendant that she got her when she left for South Korea, "Grandma I miss you." She cried out, now sobbing in the room. "I love you, I just wished you had more time, I just wanna see your bright smile while holding those muffins you always made for me when I visited home."

Crying out, like there were shards of glass piercing her heart, she fell to the ground. Tucking her legs in her chest, she wrapped her arms around her legs. Feelings of guilt, regret, and just the begging for some more time made her body shake as she sobbed.

As the tears subsided slowly, but the pain still evident, Jungwoo and her got into a cab and went on their way home. The sun was setting, swirls of pink in orange battled, as the dark blue hue began to come up. Staring outside the window she tried to take her mind to a place that wouldn't make her cry more. It wasn't working, but she continued to look at the sky while fiddling with her fingers that were quite cold.

Rubbing them together hoping they would gain some type of warmth but it provided no heat as her hands were too cold to generate enough to make a difference. In a swift motion, she felt something warmth cover both of her hands. Looking down she saw the large hand covering hers automatically warming them up as its owner was looking straight ahead as if nothing had happened.

Deciding not to say something, she laid her head against the headrest, closing her eyes as the driver took them to their destination. Making it inside, she somehow managed to get ready to sleep as her body shuts down right when it hit the mattress and into dreamland, she went.