Found (BxB)

CHAPTER 5

TRIGGER WARNING: Use of homophobic slur
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The next day I woke up feeling slightly better. The emotions were still there. But they were like in the normal days: buried in the end of my mind and soul, giving the space I needed to pretend to be happy and fine.

I didn't know how I was going to deal with Jonathan today. I let myself break down in front of him yesterday, and he would not give up on finding out why. I wanted to slap myself for my moment of weakness. He would see me happy again today and he would be suspicious. But there was no way he could find out the truth. She was buried with my sadness, anger, guilt and desperation.

I showered in the morning because I could walk and remain standing again. When I went downstairs, I greeted my parents and my sisters with my usual fake grin and the fake life in my words. But Jonathan observed every step of mine with analytical and cautious eyes that made me want to slap myself even harder. At least he didn't comment on anything in front of our parents and sisters.

As soon as we entered the car, I held my breath, waiting for the avalanche of questions and demanding on knowing what was going on with me.

Jonathan drove silent for a few minutes, but I could tell he was just thinking and formulating sentences in his head over and over again before saying it out loud.

"Ethan–"

"I don't want to talk about it" I cut him off "Now or ever"

He pursed his lips in annoyance, but nodded slowly anyways.

"I need to know if someone hurt you" He began again and I threw my head back in annoyance and let out a groan.

"No one hurt me in any way. Drop it"

"Okay..." His fingertips patted the wheel frenetically "Is it something that is going on in your mind, then?"

"I said drop it" I said by gritted teeth.

"Do you need therapy or something?"

I rubbed my hands over my face. He wasn't going to stop it and it was all my fault for letting myself break down in front of him.

"No. I'm fine"

"You're not fine!" He replied like I just said the craziest thing on Earth "C'mon, Ethan, just–" He sighed like he was tired "Just talk to me. You know you can tell me anything"

I wished I could. It was not just the fear of losing him that was holding me back. Once I said out loud 'I'm gay', it was like it was becoming true. I already knew it was true, but then it would be out there to the world. I wouldn't have control over my secret anymore. Another person would be carrying it in his hands, being able to control it however she wanted. It's not like I didn't trust my brother, but I had no idea how he would react. I was scared he would pull out a disgusted face, would suddenly forget we were brothers and would out me to everyone, and my life would just fall apart. Besides, saying it was admitting my biggest sin. I couldn't. I could never.

"There's nothing to tell you" I lied "I'm fine"

His shoulders sagged and I knew he was feeling guilty. Yesterday he confessed he thought he was a shitty brother – which it's not true – and now he probably thinks he's not able to make me open up and make me feel better. It's not his fault, though, I was the problem.

"Please, stop worrying" I said "I'm really fine, it already passed"

He hummed and we stayed silent during the rest of the ride to school, Jonathan not filling the car with the so hated small talk.