Tears, Mistakes & Heartache

Chapter 63- Emily's Birthday

Today my girl leaves her teenage years behind her, today we celebrate her birthday with our friends but the focus will not be on my queen it is going to be on Brandon as she has made plans to tick one of his wishes off of his bucket list so instead of her currently being sat in bed getting spoilt by me like I had been planning for the past few weeks, I am sat here on the edge of the bed in our spare room looking at everything I have been secretly storing away, her gifts the balloons and cake I had ordered everything is here, except her.

I had woken to my early alarm this morning in the hope of sneaking out of bed to set everything up for her just like she did for me last year, wanting this birthday to be perfect with the chances of me not being around for either of our twenty first birthdays if I do sign off on this contract or us having to make the decision between celebrating with everyone else or just on our own if I am away on tour or working. I rolled over to take the first look at my girl on her birthday to find her side of the bed completely empty and freezing cold, disappointment flooding over me.

I moved myself around the flat looking for her wanting to hold her in my arms but instead I turn up a blank she is nowhere to be found, my heart sunk and I instantly felt my mood shift, what a fucking great start to the day, I lifted my phone off the bedside table dialing her number I waited for her to pick up to tell me she has just gone for a quick run and that she will be back soon.

When she finally answers I realize that today is going to be far from what I had planned "Hero I can't talk I will be home soon" the phone disconnects again before I can even say hi.

Accepting defeat that today is just another day that I am not her priority, I push myself from the bed setting the scene that I wanted her to wake up too in our lounge I place her cake on the coffee table along with her gifts and with the balloons sitting in clusters around the room I take a deep breath and shove my phone into my pocket before I make a mistake and send her a text venting out my feelings and the secret I have been trying to keep from her the secret I have been trying to protect her from, I can feel my temper rising and the spitefulness in me wanting to escape wanting to tell her just to hurt her like I am hurting right now.

I pull on my trainers and opt for a long walk with the dogs in the hope the crisp winter morning air will clear the tornado of emotions I am feeling. My feet hit the pavement my walk beginning with some heavy footed running the need to push myself by running beyond my usual means in the hopes that the anger falls from my body before I let it consume me before it pushes me back into the dark path of self-destruction.

How could she just get up and fucking leave without even saying goodbye, surely, she knew I would want to say happy birthday to her at least? I spit out a laugh, of course she didn't think about it because these days we only ever think about Brandon! I make it into the wide open space of the countryside in record time and without even registering how we made it here, I drop my pace and decide to stroll through the field wanting to enjoy my time outside in the fresh air while I can.

Guilt is the next emotion to take over me, how can I be so pissed off with her? Fuck I'm even hating on Brandon, what the hell am I doing he is one of my boys and I'm actually jealous of the attention he is getting from my girl because he is dying! I need to get my head straight before she finds out and this all goes so wrong that I cannot fix it.

We are going to LA in just a couple more days, I will have her to myself and I will shower her in the birthday love then, problem solved. So, with that settled in my head how the fuck am I going to approach the subject of us needing to be married before I sign this poxy contract? I want to be honest with her, no I need to be honest with her I have no choice but to be, I have told her so many lies and I promised her no more lies no more secrets, I can't expect a marriage to survive if I'm not honest with her from the start but what if moving the wedding isn't the real answer to this issue, what was I thinking trying to rush it through? she won't have the time now anyway with Brandon needing her.