If I Fell│John Lennon/Beatles FanFiction

Chapter 34 - 13.April.1962

Chapter 34

April 13, 1962

It was bloody late when I walked out of the loo. I hesitated as the door slammed behind me, yawning and giving my head a shake in an attempt to wake up. The boys had been done playing for what seemed like hours.

It had been an interesting opening night at the Star-Club. The Club was an old converted picture house and had an enormous stage and fantastic lighting. Compared to where the lads had played their first time in Hamburg, it was beyond impressive.

Astrid had stayed away from the boys' debut. She told me earlier that she didn't think she'd be able to handle it. Besides, she needed to keep Stu's mother company, and they were set to fly out the following afternoon with Stu's coffin. And because Astrid was a wonderful friend, she'd taken time away from her grief and busy day to help me get an appointment with a bleeding doctor because I knew John wouldn't be pleased if I put it off. But I really didn't want to think about what the doc had told me, not tonight anyway.

At one point during their performance, John had appeared on stage dressed as a cleaning woman, carrying a long wooden plank. He knocked over the microphones and some of the drum kit before cleaning under Paul's armpit and then George's. The audience proper loved it, and they laughed hysterically. Listening to all of the laughter had been beyond difficult for me, but no one in the audience knew Stu had just died, or really who Stu was at all. And the laughter fueled John...he brought humor into the tragedy.

I hadn't been able to laugh no matter how ridiculous John looked, because I knew his antics were hiding his pain. I'd held him the night before, as he lay awake...not once closing his eyes. He hadn't said a single word to me, but at least he hadn't forced me out of the bunk. Tears fell from my eyes as I'd turned away from him, trying desperately to tell myself that John was all right...but I knew he wasn't. Not even bloody close.

The Beatles had gone all out on stage, hammering out their vocals. Klaus had made a brief appearance, and I sat with him for as long as I could. He'd watched the boys with a slack expression, and his movements lacked energy. The last time he'd seen the boys perform, they were a five-piece band, and now they were down to four. I was used to seeing them as a group of four, but suddenly it felt as if there was a massive black hole on stage where Stu used to stand. I just kept waiting for him to appear....

I wasn't able to watch much of the show since Brian liked to keep me busy during performances. This started back home and continued in Hamburg. Gone were the days when I could stand under the first arch on the left at the Cavern Club and watch, sometimes with Paul's bird, Dot. No, Brian wanted us hidden.

It seemed John's "chat" with Brian about not keeping our relationship a secret hadn't really hit home with Eppy. But it didn't really matter, I supposed. I knew I was with John, and he knew he was with me, so who cared if anyone else knew it, right?

All I had to do was keep my bloody jealousy in check, which was easier said than done. There was a growing number of adoring girls who wanted nothing more than for John to call them his bird...and they all thought they had a decent shot since he appeared to be quite single. And it wasn't as if John kept his flirting at bay for my sake.

The narrow hallway outside the loo had a bit of a musty smell to it. I shook my head one more time, trying desperately to find the energy I needed to make it through the night. With half-closed eyes, I turned and stepped forward, smacking into someone.

"Fuck...sorry, I mean, bloody pardon," I muttered as tried to sidestep the person. But none of that would do, would it? I was in ruddy Germany. I wracked my brain for the way to apologize in German but came up blank. Bollocks, I was out of practice.