My Dear Laurens (Lams)

J. Laurens

"What's wrong, Laurens? What happened?"

Laurens leaned his head against Mulligan's shoulder, so his tears soaked into Mulligan's shirt. He wrapped his arms around Mulligan. His comfort. His solace, and his true savior.

When Laurens gained a small scrap of control over his sobs, he pulled away to look into Mulligan's eyes. To confess. Because what he thought he wanted, what we thought would be good, twisted into his worst nightmare.

"Hercules, I-" Laurens couldn't look Mulligan in the eyes. His voice went raw as he cried out, "I can feel again."

Here, Laurens lost all control. And Mulligan, doing the best he could, held even tighter.

Laurens' body shook under Mulligan's embrace. A tidal wave had assassinated his being, and he was lost in the middle of an ocean. Mulligan parted the sea as he put one arm under Laurens and lifted him to his feet. Voices approached, unwelcome and untimely, so Mulligan found a room belonging to Angelica Schuyler and made it their own.

Laurens' cries did not rest as Mulligan laid him on the orange and white bedsheets soon to cover Laurens. Mulligan pulled the tucked sheets out from under the bed and used them to cloak Laurens' crumpled body. Mulligan lied on the bed next to Laurens, and put his arms around him, hoping his efforts had healing power.

Laurens shut his eyes and began to take one, slow breath in, hold it, then let it out. Inhale, hold, then exhale. He did this several times until the tears stopped flowing, and his mind began to clear. A sob rose to the surface, but Laurens forced it away with a rumble from his chest.

He had gone so many days, weeks, months, and even years longing for Alexander. A needle pierced his heart every time he had felt his touch, been comforted by his words, or soft expressions. Like a smile. Or a wink. And every time euphoria erupted through his bones, he was reminded what reality is. When Eliza came into Alexander's life, into both of their lives, he didn't want to admit what he knew was coming. It was an undeniable fate.

His fate, leading down a tunnel and separating him from the stupid man he loved. He could not, and can never have Alexander as his own. And Eliza proved that. But, so did Alexander.

Laurens decided to open his thoughts to Mulligan.

"Hercules?" He opened his eyes.

"Mmhmm?" Mulligan replied.

Laurens left the warmth of the comforter and Mulligan, and sat up. He turned to face Mulligan, and Mulligan arose so they were face to face.

"Why-" He paused. A stone in his throat appeared, but he swallowed, and it was gone. "Why did I ever think I could have Alexander?"

Mulligan sighed.

"Because we always want what we can't have."

Laurens sucked in a breath. He assumed new tears would fall, but the waters must have run dry because he just felt a hand around his heart. He felt it tighten, loosen, and then leave him.

That must have been truth, then.

At first, he wanted to continue tormenting himself. He had so many empty questions. Empty because the answer had already been fulfilled. He knew every reason and every block in his path. He had to let them go, didn't he?

"Thank you for being here for me, Herc."

Mulligan smiled and put a hand on Laurens' shoulder.

"Laurens, I would never want to be anywhere else." His smile faltered. "But I have to ask."

Laurens raised his head and stared into Mulligan's eyes with a query laced in his brows. "Ask what?"