When Everything Fails (De Chavez #2)

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER ONE

DUSK SETTLED in the sky. The ember fire adorned perfectly near the horizon as I watched the shadows started to stretch as darkness tried to consume the whole vicinity into total blindness. As the amber light gleamed in the darkness, the city lighted up— buildings' windows flicked, street lights resurrected, lights of the vehicles brightened. Iyon ang huli kong nakita noong nakarating na kami sa studio.

It was eight in the evening when the shoot was done, and I was still stuck in the middle of EDSA. The shoot was for teenage magazine. Hindi naman ako 'yong front cover, ayos lang. Baby steps, ika nga nila. Huminga ako nang malalim habang pipanuod ang malaking led sa isang building na ang alam ko ay isang recording company. Kinagat ko ang aking labi habang nakatingin doon. Sana ay may panahon na magawa ko rin ang gusto kong gawin.

When that poisonous thought started to coil around my neck like a tendril of remorse and awe obstructing air to pass through, I closed my eyes tightly. By shaking my head, I tried to will away that thought and embraced myself and played the bracelet that coiled around my wrist. May mga bagay talagang hindi para sa 'tin. No matter how me wish to have it; to experience the blissful notion of our own will, there were times we can't and shouldn't.

I gritted my teeth as the fang of what-ifs sank into my skin, sending venom of what could have been if I were strong enough to fight for what I want in life.

Dahil sa iniisip ko ay parang gusto ko nalang saktan ang sarili ko. Sobrang gusto kong mawala nalang itong iniisip ko pero hindi naman mawala wala. It was like a plaque slowly ripping my sense of comfort and confidence, leaving only regret and qualm. How ironic it may seem to know that I, myself, was imploring myself to stop this nonsense and focus on the craft chosen for me. I will definitely learn to love acting. Siguro pagkumuha na ako ng BSFA (Acting) sa kolehiyo ay mamahalin ko na rin ito.

Life was like music. Your decisions were the lyrics while the melody, rhythm, tempo, and dynamics were the tools to determine how your life was doing. Pag ang desisyon mo sa buhay ay nadidiktahan lang at labag ito sa kagustuhan mo, the rhythm would be dull, the tempo would be slow and the dynamic would be pianissimo. Pero nasa sa 'yo naman kung paano mo malalagyan ng appropriate tempo at ilalapat ang masayang ritmo para maging maganda ang mood ang kanta ng buhay mo.

It was a quarter to nine when the car came to a halt in front of our house. The mansion itself emitted a definite air of dullness and conjured with spiced sadness. Ganito na itong bahay simula noong iniwan niya kami. I closed my eyes as I hopped out of the car. Naglakad ako papasok at may isang katulong na kumuha ng aking bag. My eyes wandered around the house void with emotions— lack of harmony and rhythm. Lack of life.

"Si Papa, manang?" Tanong ko noong mapansin kong walang tao sa sala kung saan usual siyang umuupo pag-umuuwi ako.

"Ah, tumawag po 'yong kaibigan niya at pumunta ata sa casino."

Casino. Again.

Wala naman akong problema roon dahil hindi naman magastos si Papa. Ang kinababahala ko ang ay ang p'wedeng mangyari sa kaniya. I was sure as hell that he will be arrive here drunk dead. Laking pasasalamat ko at may mga katulong pa kaming kaya siyang pagtiisan. Though, some of the maids understood him, especially the ones who were here when I was still a kid. Hindi naman ganito si Papa noon, he just because uncontrollable when she left. I gritted my teeth when her image flashed on my mind. I tried to forget her, to wipe her out of my mind since she was just nothing to me. Sakit lang ang dinudulot niya sa 'kin.

"Kumain na po kayo, Miss." Sabi noong bagong katulong namin, "Nakahanda na po 'yong kakainin niyo sa hapagkainan."

I smiled to acknowledge her thoughtfulness. Hindi naman na ako gutom. Kanina siguro ay gutom ako pero ngayon, parang gusto ko nalang matulog. The gnawing sadness infused with disappointment ripped my appetite. Imbes na pumunta sa dining area ay dumiretso nalang ako sa 'king kwarto. As the darkness of my room reflected the hollow of heart, I fumbled for the switch to flick the lights on. As the fluorescent light brightened up the room, I threw myself to the bed. The permeating wave of exhaustion was taking me to the stupor but I fought the urge.