If I can't have you

eight

Opening my eyes, I stretch my arms and look at the empty space next to me in the bed. I start to think maybe last night was indeed a dream, but when I touch the sheets next to me, they're still warm and as I bury my face on the pillow I can smell his scent. It's subtle, but it's here. Just enough proof that Shawn did enter my room last night and kissed me before falling asleep with his arms wrapped around me. A smile makes its way to my lips as I replay it in my head, making me both eager and nervous to see him this morning. When I walk to the bathroom, I notice Coco is no longer sleeping on the carpet next to my bed, so Shawn probably let her out of my room when he left. I try to hide my smile as I walk downstairs, finding my dad, Ella and Layla already in the kitchen having breakfast. It's saturday, so I didn't expect to find everyone up already.

" Oh, good morning, sweetheart." My dad says with a smile as I sit next to Layla. " We were here wondering if we should wake you up. We weren't sure if you wanted to go to Shawn's swimming competition with us."

" He left already, but he said he didn't know if you wanted to come or not." Ella says as she places a pancake on my plate.

" I think I'll go with you." I say with a smile, knowing now why he wasn't there next to me when I woke up. I completely forgot his first competition is today. That also explains why he didn't have much to drink the night before, but I'm sure going to sleep at 2 a.m. before a competition was probably not the best idea.

We leave right after breakfast and my dad drives us to school. Layla spends the whole drive telling me how incredible Shawn is when he's swimming and it's the cutest thing to see how obsessed she is with her older brother, almost like he's her hero or something. When we walk into the school's building and head to where the competition is happening, I start seeing a lot of familiar faces. A lot of students that I've seen before but never spoke to, but other than that and a few teachers, the place is actually not as crowded as I thought it would be. We sit down in the second row on the bleachers and a few minutes later, a couple that Ella informs me are Brian's parents, sit next to us and start chatting with my dad and her. Before the competition starts, I stand and make my way out of the swimming pool area, walking to the nearest restroom. Before I get there though, I hear two familiar voices coming out of an empty classroom that has its door open.

" They're not related, Alessia. It's not wrong for him to like her." Julia's voice catches me off guard and I can't help stopping next to the door to listen to their conversation. " And even if that was the case, he never said she was the reason for him turning you down."

" He didn't say it with all the letters, but it's pretty obvious he likes her." Alessia sounds almost bitter and I can't blame her for feeling like that. " I've been here all along, crushing on him for years, and then she just shows up and he's suddenly head over heels for her. That's not fair."

I feel like I'm overstepping by hearing their conversation, so I make my way to the girl's restroom by the end of the halway and lock myself in the last stall. I feel bad for Alessia for a moment, but then I remember her kissing Shawn the night before and that feeling goes away. I can tell from what I heard just now that she knew he liked me, but she still made a move anyway. I'm not mad at her, but I start wondering if maybe she did it on purpose because she knew I was watching. She's been avoiding me the whole week and she seemed mad at me since she caught Shawn winking at me the night we went to the movies. But I can't force myself to be angry at her for feeling like that.

The swimmers are already out there next to the pool with their coaches when I walk back and sit down next to Layla. Julia smiles at me from the other side of the bleachers, but Alessia doesn't even look at my direction. I can see Shawn and Brian with the rest of their team before they position themselves in line. Shawn is the last one, which I asume is because he's the fatest one, and before jumping into the water, he looks up at me and smiles. I feel my cheeks burning from how much I'm blushing as I remember our kiss again. Is he going to kiss me again when we're alone? I want him to, but I'm also nervous about it. Last night felt like the most surreal dream and I'm scared I might be making a big deal out of nothing. When I blink again, he's already out of the water and I stand and cheer like everyone else because they just won. After talking to his coach and teammates, Shawn finally walks to where we are, catching Layla in his arms as she jumps on him with a big smile.

" You did it again!" She says excitedly as he places her back on the ground, trying not to get her wet. "You were so fast."

" Thank you, Lay." He says with a laugh before looking at his mom, my dad and then finally locking his eyes with mine.

" That was incredible. Congratulations." I say, not being able to hold back a smile. Not looking at his bare chest and stomach also proves to be a difficult task as he stands there only in his swim trunks, so I force my self to look back at his face.

" Is that okay? Can you wait for me?" His voice breaks me out of my thoughts and I realize I'm staring at his lips.

" Sure." I have no idea what he used as an excuse for me to wait for him because I was too focused on staring at him, but it was definitely convincing enough because twenty minutes later our parents and Layla are gone and I'm sitting there waiting for him to change into some clothes.

I watch as a few guys walk out of the locker room and the tallest of them all is the one I'm waiting for. He makes his way to where I am as the other three leave and I smile because he seems kind of nervous. We walk back into the hallway in silence and there's so much tension that I'm not sure we'll be able to get to his car without kissing again. We're about to reach the restroom I was in earlier when I feel him taking my hand and pulling me with him into an empty classroom. He closes the door and pulls me to the corner in case anyone passes by, making me sit down on a table before cupping my cheeks.

" I've been dying to kiss you again since I left your bedroom this morning." He whispers before running his thumb across my bottom lip.

" Please, do it." My voice is barely there, but I'm sure he heard me. He leans in and closes the space between us, kissing me slowly and softly as one of his hands holds my face and the other one rests on the table next to me. My hands are on his shirt and slowly go up to his neck as he starts deepening the kiss. It feels like I've been doing this my whole life, which it's the weirdest feeling ever. He rests his forehead against mine once we pull away for air and we both laugh.

" Are we crazy for doing this?" He asks with his cheeks flushed.

" Maybe." I say quietly. " But I don't think I care about that."

" Me neither." He smiles before kissing me again, but we're quickly interrupted by voices coming from the hallway.

We walk back to the parking lot and instead of driving home, he drives us to the mall and we have milkshakes even though the weather is cold outside. He kisses me so many times inside the car before we get home that I already feel addicted to it. I don't think I've ever felt like this before and all I wanted right now was to be able to tell my mom about it. I wish I could tell her about Shawn and how amazing he is, but deep down I know I wouldn't be able to tell her this if she was alive. Brian and the girls obviously already know, but I don't think we can risk anyone else finding this out. I can't even imagine what my dad and Ella would do if they knew we were kissing inside the car just seconds before entering the house.