My other half

5. Two hard way

„The heart does things for reasons, which we can't justified with mind."

It's been weeks since despair first reigned over me. I hoped, it would go away, or at least fade, and I could handle it easier, but I was wrong. Slowly slowly, overnight, it grew bigger and bigger, and the worst part was that, I couldn't tell anyone about it. If anything bad happened in my life, Dec was always the first person I told and who helped solve it, or at least endure. The second is, of course, is Anne Marie. But now exactly they were the ones, who I couldn't talk to about this because of obvious reasons, and they were the ones with whom I spent my days alternately. Not even I could decide, for which of them I have a greater remorse for, and which of them would handle it better, if they found out, what thoughts had been swirling in my head for weeks. I went to bed every night with this question, I woke up with this question every morning, and when I just had a few free minutes to thinking, constantly this question swirling in me. Almost hour after hour I thought differently, unable to decide what I should do, or how long I would have to wait for the miracle that this doubt would subside in me and everything return to where it was before. When I was home, it was easier for me to persuade myself, that this life that we had lived so far, would be good for me, it would only be a period and then it would pass again and everything would go on. But when I was with Dec, I was unable to suppress within myself the feeling of how much I could love him and the pain of how much he didn't want that. I decided a lot of times to move away from him a bit, organize programs for myself without he, or less often replying to he. But then none of them worked, because if he wrote to me or called me, I couldn't immediately not respond or go anywhere with him, since I longed for his company more than I had ever in the last more than 30 years. And I didn't want he to feel neglected, because he didn't do anything, and on the other hand, I didn't want to explain, what is the reason of this, so I should have lied to him.

One late summer evening, when my girlfriend was just not home and I listened my repetitive thoughts sitting at the kitchen table, something came to mind. Or someone. Someone who was already in a similar situation, someone who had a happy ending, even with compromises, and who also had a friend who listened him, when he couldn't tell anyone else, what was pushing his soul. Suddenly, I reached for my phone and called our old mutual friend. If he can't help for me, then no one else...

"Hi Ant!" David's usual cheerful voice said into the phone.

"Hi David! I do not disturb?"

"No, I'm alone, you can tell."

"Sit down, I think it will be long" I smiled sadly.

"Jesus, what happened?" He became a little scared.

"Nothing but... history seems to really repeat itself. Two years ago you needed Amanda's help, now I need yours."

"I don't fully understand that now. Is there something wrong with Dec?" He came to the point, immediately understanding who is it about.

"The wrong is not with Dec, but with me. He didn't do anything, but I broke, what we agreed many, many years ago. I think I'm starting to fall in love with he. Again" I admitted sadly.

„Again? Have you been together once?" David was surprised, who thought he knew everything about us.

„We weren't together because we decided not to take risks. But that was really a long time ago, back in our teens. We both felt that the relationship between us was very special, but Dec said, we couldn't risk everything that was in front of us and I realized, he was right."

"And now you feel, you regretted this?" David asked seriously.

„Yes. I never thought this feeling would break up after all this time, but yes. Ali is a great companion to Dec and I have been happy with Anne Marie so far, but something is missing. Something that is only with Dec, that I only feel with him, and I would like to believe that he thinks so too."