My other half

11. The hardest parts

"Find out: even if you're not here, I'll sleep with you. Because I love you, irrefutably and irreversibly."

I entered a little relieved the warm and comfortable house from the January cold when I got home. It was pretty much the only pleasant part of coming home back then, so I tried to be very happy about this. I hadn't seen my girlfriend anywhere yet, so I took off my shoes in slow movements, put down my coat, and walked inside to the living room where I sat down on the sofa and just stared the starry night through a window for a few minutes. My hands were ice cold, my legs were cooled by my jeans what took over the temperature outside, but where I was really cold, it wasn't the weather outside that was to blame. I felt a cold emptiness inside, where the most beautiful feeling in the world was uselessly trying to save the situation with some warmth after today's memories. I was clueless and a little angry with the world about why everything is so difficult and complicated, or at least forcing us to make it so. It could be that so simple, though. A couple of divorce papers, a couple of painful quarrels, for which I had absolutely no mood, but at the moment I felt I would do anything in the world for Dec to receive me at home now. However, the steps down the stairs unfortunately did not belong to the other half of my freezing soul, but to Anne Marie, at whose sight I smiled professionally even only out of habit. I tried as enthusiastically and credibly as possible to tell her as many credible things as possible about today, I told, that Dec greeting her and even Ali too. How come I didn't sink in my shame? I don't know, but I hoped the time would come when I didn't even have to worry about that anymore.

After about a quarter of an hour of telling, my girlfriend told me she was go and take a long hot bath and if I wanted to, then I would join. I promised with a smile that I was about to go right away, but I actually tried to prolong the minutes as long as I could while I can sit still on the sofa, so I took out my phone in hopes of any kind of notification. To my surprise, a message from Dec lit on the screen, which I immediately opened from a reflex.

"Can I call you?" I read the short question to myself.

It arrived 3 minutes before I read it, so hoping the question was still relevant, I quickly called my secret love. Probably Dec was waiting for the answer with the phone in his hand because he picked it up immediately after the second ring tone.

"Hi" Dec said in an endlessly lost voice.

"Hi, is something wrong?" I asked worried.

"Everything is okay, I just wanted to hear your voice one more time today" Dec answered in the cutest voice in the world, thanks to which one manly tear appeared in my eyes.

"Aaaawwww! You already scared me."

"Actually, I'm not very well, but it's a little better now. Ali is still cooking and Isla is already asleep, so I thought I would call you. Until then, I don't think about the chaos in my head."

"I feel you" I replied simply but honestly.

"I am the happiest person in the world at the same time, while I don't even know I can look in the mirror. Sometimes I decide to end everything and on the next day then I feel incapable of it. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm hurting almost everyone right now with all this, and yet I can't move in either direction. It hurts you now and hurts Ali later. Why is it so awfully hard? Sometimes I feel like I don't really deserve any of you" He closed the line of thought sadly.

"Don't even continue that, Little Smoothie! Of course, it's hard. Yes, it's hard to leave someone if you know she wanted to love you and you're the the reason, that this doesn't work anymore. Especially when you fall in love with someone else without her knowledge, I go through the same thing every day. However, instead of suddenly leaving your life for no reason, you are waiting and preparing for the opportunity, when you can do this in with as little pain as possible. And that's why you're staying in my eyes as fantastic person as you've always been. There's nothing wrong with you, you are a decent person in a rare difficult situation from which unfortunately there is no easy way out, just two hard ones" I quoted David's thoughts somewhat.